


Forgotten God

by akgerhardt



Category: Homestuck
Genre: (Skippable tagged chapters include: macro/micro vore, (more tba with updates; some of the wilder ones above aren't up yet), 1920s to Modern Day, Actual Things Happen Besides Weird Sex, An Unethical Amount of Fluff (as usual), Big Danger Scaley is exceedingly gentle + caring bottom, Bioluminescence, Brief PIV, Coiling is apparently a common tag, Dirk Fucked Plato, Dirk is an intersex dude but it's not explicitly stated, Giant/Tiny, God this is a clusterfuck, I wish I could reorder these lmao, In all seriousness the kink and sex parts will be delineated from beginning to end, Is there a soda kink?, Island adventures, Kink Grab Bag, M/M, Magic, Masturbation and Consensual Voyeurism, Mild Powerplay/Power Imbalance and Fearplay, Multiple Orgasms, Oral, Regular Human Boinking, Sacreligious Mythology, Semi-Public Sex, Shapeshifting, Size Difference, Snake Dad Issues, There are three (3) Explicit chapters so far, They're living their best lives, Transformation, World Traveling, Xeno, and whatever it's called when the dude grows to the size of a small house while you're makin out), insertion, omega-esque heat and ovipositioning, stomach rubs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2020-10-19 15:56:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 47,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20659844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akgerhardt/pseuds/akgerhardt
Summary: >be Jake>get shipwrecked>forcibly befriend a snakeman>profit





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4kdlu0fmk6ti8oYnXbvjVb?si=SWKM0C71QAiL-YWHJsVIYw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (This is all still unedited!)

_10.12.1925_

_ Subsisting on coconuts these days. I really should have brought her book on edible plants and learned how to filter salt water but at least theres some potable rations left. _

_ Today i stumbled upon a cove on the western slope with more of those confounded inscriptions. I still cant piece together a proper translation key but this spot has pictures too. Depictions of everyday life along with ceremonies and whatnot. The most noteworthy to me was that creature i keep seeing in nigh all artisan work. They seemed to be the islands deity but interacted directly with their worshippers. Maybe im losing the last of my marbles but the notion that they _ <strike>_ were _</strike>_are a real inhabitant lends a sliver of hope to this conundrum. _

_ Im going to search for them. _

He shut the tome, stretching and getting up. He broke off another plank and tossed it into the firepit, watching as it crackled and sparked embers. Smoke wisped upwards into the brilliant, starry scape, undisturbed by light pollution. He got as comfortable as possible, body submerged in the sand under thick sail canvas. The nights were surprisingly cold there, but at least he didn't have to worry about mosquitoes. Horny nocturnal beasts called to each other as he tried to sleep, fantasizing about taking a hot shower.

Come dawn, he was predictably stiff and coated in more salt residue, but he'd learned to tolerate it. He cracked into another coconut, sipping the milk and then cutting off slivers of the meat with his pocket knife. The sea was peaceful today, albeit bright with no clouds to block the sun from reflecting off it. The morning critters were at it now- mostly birds. He wrapped up the rest of the coconut, grabbed his rugsack and gear, and began his trek inland. He was no survivalist, prone to getting lost and much less adventurous than he'd once claimed to be. At this point, he was just barely getting by. He had to be mindful of things he typically ignored, including his surroundings. The foliage was tall and thick, but he'd managed to find game trails that were a bit easier to navigate. Every couple of meters, he stuck one of the salvaged floorboard nails in the dirt, a log, or somewhere else easy to spot but not to step on. He got that idea from _ Hansel and Gretel,_ though he wished he had their breadcrumbs to waste. If he made it through this, he'd likely never want to see another coconut.

He circumnavigated net-like spiderwebs, scrambled away from just about every insect, gave wide girth to the snakes, and got incredibly sidetracked due to that. It was hard to keep going straight with so many obstacles in the way… He'd lost track of how many times he changed routes. Not that he had one to begin with, but it would have been much simpler and more efficient to make a beeline for the center of the island. He was worn out before the sun had even risen fully, daring to rest for a moment on an uninhabited rock. He took a long swig from his canteen, having decided that he'd rather be hydrated than attempt to make it last.

It was no walk in the park, to put it lightly, but after a half-hour or so he started finding more remnants of civilization. They concentrated as he progressed, an indication that he was headed in the right direction. The temple was supposed to be smack-dab in the middle of town, at the foot of a mountain. If he was lucky, the deity would be, too. He had no fucking clue what to do if he did manage to encounter them, but if things went sour he still had his trusty flintlocks. Not that he planned to square up with a god- he just wanted an out for himself, should they intend to prolong his suffering.

He came across several fallen, lichen-covered pillars engulfed by moss and an archway curtained by leafy vines. He ducked under the hanging spirals, coming into a clearing. The worn patches and exposed stone patterns indicated that someone was indeed living there. He picked up the unmistakable sound of running water and hurried towards it, plunging into a ginormous, crystal-clear fountain. It was so cool against his sunburned, dusty skin, and he soaked and bathed himself in it while quenching his parchedness from the fresh, filtered waterfall above him. He sighed blissfully, sinking down so that only his face was exposed.

He'd nearly forgotten about his quest, so relieved to have his basic needs met again. By the time he started getting pruney, though, he climbed out reluctantly and filled up his canteens. It looked even cleaner than the plumbing system on the mainland...

Turning his attention back to the search, he followed the path, shoes squishing with each soggy step. It led to a large cave, and his instincts told him to leave. He called into it hesitantly.

There was a swift rustle, but then it went silent. He had enough sense to not enter, just offering a "Er, I suppose I'll take my leave. Same time tomorrow?"

It wasn't the wisest idea, but a man bored out of his skull with only one potential humanoid to steal water from and share a whole island with is wont to at least _ try _to be friendly, if for nothing more than his own sanity. He'd come by several times a week to bathe and refill his containers, then just sit outside of the cave, rambling about all sorts of topics (including himself) in the hopes that it would put the stranger at ease. He knew there was a chance that he was talking to no one, but he preferred that to the prospect of some cryptid deciding to come out and silence him. He might as well be disturbing a snake den each visit.

Eventually, said cryptid did start replying to him, albeit obscured by the darkness.

"Archimedes."

Jake practically fell off the derelict wall he was perched atop.

"... Sorry, did- did you say something?"

"Archimedes is the arithmetic dude. It’s in his name, for fuck's sake... Hippocrates covered physiology- you know the Hippocratic Oath, right? ... Thought everyone was at least familiar with it, but hey, times have changed."

His voice was deep, but there was a humored lilt to it.

"... You speak English?"

"Silver-tongued perks. I have all languages down pat; don't even have to think about it."

…

"I was enjoying your monologues; just felt obligated to factcheck. Please, continue."

"D- Do you have a name?"

"The last civilization called me Timaeus. No fuckin' clue why, but it's yours to use…"

He became terse after that, and Jake more self-conscious now that he knew he was being listened to and understood. The responses were matter-of-fact at first and only came when prompted. Still, Jake persisted. He wanted to think that this Timaeus fellow was human and safe enough to interact with, as he was desperate for some semblance of connection. He brought trinkets from the ship as gifts, which were initially rejected. The stranger didn't like accepting generosity- it had to be an even exchange, he argued, and he wasn't inclined to be in anyone's debt. Jake insisted that he didn't owe him anything- they were just silly doohickeys that he thought he'd enjoy! Timaeus remained unwavering- he stated that he was done taking offerings and wouldn't entertain the concept any further. Jake neglected to bring them back. When reminded the next visit, he claimed that they were too cumbersome to haul a second time, asking for temporary storage- he wasn't slick. Timaeus decided to keep them, having been absolved of obligation, had enough of Jake’s malarkey, and found everything worth treasuring (except for the trashy romance novels, which he incinerated for their mutual wellbeing).

After three whole months of doggedness, the nocturnal cavedweller was finally convinced to come outside.

"Trust me; you'll regret this."

"Regret is my middle name of choice!"

He emerged gradually, face and shoulders visible first. He was bioluminescent, illuminating the shadows with glowing eyes, intricate, tattoo-like markings, and splatters of iridescent scales against tan skin. He also sported a modest amount of bling, which shimmered as it reflected his light. Jake was unprepared for his sheer majesty, almost tearing up. Then he… slithered further out, and Jake felt very small. "Standing," he had to be at least seven-and-a-half feet tall. His tail was as wide as his hips and roughly thirty feet long. Jake trembled, sitting against the boulder he'd backed up to and trying to focus on those lovely peepers. 

"You’re not going to faint after all that effort, right? Relax."

He nodded bleakly, and Timaeus blinked, looking concerned. He flicked out his aforementioned silver tongue for a moment, studying him. Good god, was he sparkly in the daylight.

"I can fix your vision, if you'll let me."

...

"Oh! Ah-"

"Just close your eyes and stay put for a sec."

This seemed to be a pretty big act of trust, but Jake was determined to muscle through it. He complied, trying not to flinch when the backs of two smooth claws ghosted his eyelids.

They hovered briefly, emitting warm energy, and then Jake found himself able to see everything in vivid detail, no longer needing to squint. He looked around excitedly, forgetting to be afraid.

"Better?"

"Yes!!!" he cheered. "You're a regular miracle-worker!"

Timaeus smirked, bemused.

"It’s the least I can do after all the nice shit you brought me."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (mspaint shitart)


	3. Chapter 3

By the end of the next visit, they were significantly more relaxed.

"Want to come inside? I was hoping you'd join me for dinner."

Jake paused to consider whether the dinner might be him, but shook it off. "That would be aces," he smiled, springing up to follow the serpentman. 

...

"You know, you really shouldn't be so trusting. It can get you into trouble." 

Jake’s blood ran cold, but Timaeus simply wound back to the cave. He hurried along for reasons beyond him.

"I'm... lonely. To the extent that I'm willing to risk fatality for humanoid contact, eheh."

"Figured as much. Just, there are some sick people out there. Try to use discretion."

"Will do!"

"... I mean, I'm honored that you even _want _to be around me. Was bracing for you to flee at first sight."

Jake laughed awkwardly, not sure how to respond.

Timaeus seemed to adjust easily to the darkness, but he paused to ignite previously unnoticed lanterns hanging from the walls with a flash of energy. The place was somewhat organized in areas, while others were just hoard piles.  _ Like a dragon,  _ Jake mused. 

"Been a while since I've had company, so, uh. Make yourself at home? Can't say I'm much of an entertainer." 

Jake straightened from the heap of pretty rocks he was investigating. 

"A lot of those were offerings. Take whatever you like." 

He slinked around the corner to prepare dinner, and Jake realized that the cave was way, way bigger than he imagined. He decided to explore and found it more like a rabbit hole, a system of tunnels and rooms. He wondered if Timaeus crafted it himself. 

There was a ballroom-sized den filled with fine satin, fleece, and silk-like fabrics, along with an assortment of plush pillows. _Hoo boy, he must've gotten a lot of action back in the day._ Jake didn’t want to be accused of lingering there despite how comfy it looked, so he scampered off to the next opening, which was filled with a mountain of cool weapons and armor, origins spanning the globe and centuries. Some were neatly stacked and sorted, but it was clear that he gave up once they started accumulating. Another room had aisles of carved out shelves stacked with scrolls and slabs. There were writings in many languages that he couldn't identify, but he guessed that the Arabic books were from that Golden Age. He roamed the passageways in amazement, then picked up the piece of parchment he spotted lying on the ground. It looked like a flyer of sorts.

"Rehomed the Library of Alexandria," he quipped, startling Jake. For someone of his stature, he sure was stealthy. 

"... Tell it to Sweeney."

"Yeah, I fuckin' wish," he laughed. "There's some interesting reads, though, if you ever want me to translate."

"My good fellow, you are every historian's dream."

"Hmm."

He wasn't sure what to make of that, so he just followed him when he continued past the entrance. 

"Was  _ everything  _ here a gift?"

"Did most of the gathering myself, actually. I used to be able to shift, but some fucker stole my charm one day while I was asleep."

"... Apologies for my thick skull, but by "shift," do you mean transform into a human?"

"No, a horse."

"Oh."

"Sarcasm. As you probably figured out, the height of my social life was in the days of Latin and Greek. People came from all over just to catch a glimpse of me."

"Whoah…"

"Also, my mother put her dick in a giant celestial snake, in case you were wondering."

…

"I wasn't, but that makes sense. So, you're… a demigod, then?"

"Maybe? I don't have physical needs, and I have yet to die... That's not to say I haven't had close calls. Some thought they could get my powers if they killed me, some just wanted my scales, some decided I had to be slayed, and the most recent tried to take me for a "freak show." I tried to reason with them, scare them straight if all else failed, but the ones I couldn't all met the same fate."

…

"What I'm saying is I ate them."

"Yeah, I pieced that together. It’s just not the most pleasant image." 

"Oh, I resize for it. That's another thing I can do." 

"Thank you for that equally essential knowledge." 

"Anytime."

…

"So, I thought I had food, but the only ingredients left are past decay. Sorry. I have sustenance potions, though- they’re fun." 

Timaeus handed him a small vial, demonstrating with his own. He pulled out the glass stopper, wrapping his forked tongue around it.

"Baythically, lick it once and you're good. It restores your health and has more nutrients than most people get in a day. It's the same effect no matter the dosage, since it's not actually consumed." 

He let a drip hit the tip of his tongue and was pretty sure his pupils dilated. After months of nothing but coconut, he wasn't prepared for how delectable and satisfying it was. Timaeus took his expression as a positive response, passing him a pouch full of them.

"You can keep 'em- you look like a goddamn skeleton with scurvy, and I don't need shit. Seriously, I was an ass for not meeting you sooner. Do you even have shelter?" 

…

"Of sorts."

"All of the buildings are rundown or nonexistent now. This mountain is the most habitable spot on the entire island, and it's too big for just me... Don’t laugh; I'm serious. I'll give you space and privacy; it’s just fucked up that you're suffering while I'm living it up."

...

"I mean, no pressure. It’s fine if you want to think it over or-"

Jake threw himself at his torso, sobbing silently in relief as he clung to him. Timaeus made an undignified noise, caught off-guard. He reached down after a moment in an attempt to reciprocate the embrace, since the dude barely came up to his chest. 

"Thank you," he managed, voice cracking. 

"Don’t sweat it, man," he murmured, rubbing his back soothingly. "You’re safe here."


	4. Chapter 4

He indeed was safe there- probably safer than he'd ever been _anywhere. _He mused over having a snakeman bodyguard back when he was getting his keister handed to him in school or mugged in the streets, almost wishing Timaeus had been there to scare them off. The overglorified giant anthill was made entirely of carved stone and charmed to keep pests and mildew out, but Timaeus did a bit of gardening just for the hell of it (mostly cultivating moss and ferns, since they thrived in low light and absorbed moisture), which further improved the air quality. There was ventilation, he learned, along with ornate, octogonal windows fitted in rooms set against the outer sides of the mountain. Walking around the highest entrance was the sole way to see all of their surroundings, but the view was breathtaking- hills upon hills with seemingly endless spans of trees and vine canopies, more mossy, fern and lichen-covered rock formations, all sorts of oversized (and often brightly-colored) flora and fauna, streams and falls of various depths and widths, a plethora of stone ruins, and so forth. From the peak itself, Jake could stand above the clouds and watch the sun rise over the lumpy forests and set past the sea, though he wasn't used to the frigid wind that often plagued it. It took him a while to realize that the island had transitioned to something akin to winter, chill only absent midday in shadeless spots at lower altitudes. Inside, the temperature remained comfortable and unfluctuating- probably more magic. The second time Timaeus caught him looking remotely cold without an excuse, he assailed him with a heap of soft blankets. Jake fashioned one into a crude cloak with some metal wire he found in a junk pile, which remedied his conundrum and allowed him to keep adventuring without fear of the warm-season creatures. 

Thankfully, there was a series of waterfall-esque channels (filtered like the fountain) that flowed through various chambers, the largest of which Timaeus jokingly referred to as the guest bathroom. He didn't have his own, since he didn't need one in theory, but he enjoyed just lounging under the running water, which was heated to an unnatural degree. Jake cried again when he was presented with soaprock and other hygienic products mere minutes after "moving in," proceeding to spend hours scrubbing his soul clean. He dried off, applied aromatic oil to his pits, and proceeded to collapse in pure bliss on his designated pillow pile, swaddled in silky cloths. Once Timaeus was sure he was censored, he came back.

"I was gonna make a joke about you going commando, but it'd be hypocritical." 

"S'not like I've had a chance to do laundry proper," he mumbled, tired but still euphoric.

"We'll swing that rope when you're not half dead. I mean, I'd do it for you, but shit's delicate and I tend to snag threads with these bad boys." 

"Thank you," he repeated for the gazillionth time, but no less sincere than the first. He probably wasn't awake enough to communicate properly at this point, but Timaeus was a magnanimous soul and therefore let him succumb to the void in silence. Jake slept for days, interrupted only by the occasional water or dose of sustenance. Slowly, he regained his strength prior to being stranded and proceeded to go on the aforementioned explorations. He truly couldn't imagine a better paradise.

Timaeus was beginning to feel like he'd adopted this human, but not like a pet or kid. He just doted a bit too much over his organic fraility and tended to go nuts exceeding his needs. It became his fun new hobby, or something- keeping the human happy, healthy, and safe. Jake couldn't complain, though he was far too concerned over his wellbeing and could be a bit overbearing. He didn't want to make Timaeus sad or anything, but they eventually decided to talk it out after a lot of awkward tenseness from both parties. It... went better than either had anticipated, and they had clearer understandings of the other's perspective by the end of the first feelings jam. It was clear that many more were in order and that it would probably end up becoming routine, but it was pretty cathartic, just being able to unload about histories, personal issues, and current problems in an open but respectful manner. Timaeus had to refrain from getting livid over Jake’s past and his inability to change it, and Jake didn't particularly want to learn about Timaeus's disastrous breakup with a philosopher dude who used him for a story before fucking off, but they sucked it up and just listened. They did draw the line at some topics- for example, Timaeus really didn't want to hear about how humanity was becoming increasingly cancerous, and Jake really didn't want to know the details of those voracious acts or wild sexcapades. 

As time progressed, they realized that they were about the same level of assbackwards, just in different ways. It came as a huge relief, along with their perpetually in-progress interpersonal skills.


	5. Chapter 5

Jake almost wished he was still sickly, or that the winter permeated the mountain, just so that he'd have a justfiable excuse for being touchy-feely. Timaeus made it known from the start that he was comfortable with physical affection but unaccustomed to initiating it. Regardless, Jake figured that he had no dignity left to lose, cuddling like it was nobody's business. They were objectively touch-starved, so it was a mutually beneficial arrangement. For some reason, Timaeus preferred being the little spoon, and Jake alternated between the equivalent of hugging a smooth tree trunk with his limbs to being coiled around, often all the way up to his shoulders. God help him if he had to get up to take a piss- Timaeus wasn't a heavy sleeper, but he _was _heavy and didn't like to let go. When he was awake, though, Jake could snuggle up atop his chest and enjoy his very human body heat. 

Timaeus led a rather mundane life, in stark contrast to his glory days. He spent most of his time (unoccupied by Jake or bathing) just reading, painting and engraving parts of his home at random, carving stones, combining magic with engineering, doing his own version of yoga, tending to his plants, and rearranging junk. From his stories, he seemed to have been more active and curious about the island centuries prior, and he saw no real reason to go on excursions anymore now that he'd mapped every inch of it. Jake wondered if his changed perspective was also related to the influx of unpleasant intruders after the days of worshippers on pilgrimages had passed. He did openly admit that he wished he still had his shifting charm to blend in with humanity, though he stated that he'd grown tired of their bullshit as a whole. 

This made Jake feel even more fortunate to have been endeared to him. Timaeus had offered to teleport Jake to the mainland, but he declined on the premise of leaving alone and not having a way back. If he ever managed to repair his ship or find alternative means of transportation, he secretly vowed to search for the amulet. Jake had no desire to go "home," but he couldn't imagine anyone being stuck on an island for hundreds of years without going mad from boredom and isolation! Besides, civilization had come a long way since Timaeus was cut off from the outside world. There were... moving pictures now, more knowledge and books, and all sorts of neat doohickeys being invented, for starters. It was a turning point for the human race, for better or worse, he decided, and surely Timaeus would at least want to catch a glimpse of it. 

For the foreseeable future, though, both were beyond content with their circumstances.


	6. Chapter 6

(Just wanted to share this adorable doodle of the [one whole naga Dirk](http://ask-the-disaster-gays.tumblr.com) I found on Google)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just boinking.

Between the two of them, it was only a matter of time before they got horny. It started with more intimate snuggles- soft kisses and caresses, snake tongue boops, and too many instances of morning wood on Jake's side. Awkward apologies were followed by gentle teasing and the occasional grinding back against him, which was almost funny considering Timaeus's lack of ass. Of course, they both jerked it alone on the regular- it wasn't a secret, but they didn't acknowledge it, either.

Finally, during a lazy dry humping and makeout session, Timaeus casually whispered, "Want some tail~?"

"Hm?"

"... Wanna fuck?"

…

"Absotively posilutely."

There was a pause, and then they cracked up.

"Gotta admit, I didn't anticipate it going like this- if at all."

"Ditto," he chortled, nuzzling the crook of his neck.

The deity snaked his tail through the gap to wind around him, pinning his limbs together and pulling him back as he gazed intently with those captivating, citrus-hued eyes. Jake tensed at the change in atmosphere. After all this time, he had no reason to be afraid, but the fact that he was staring at him hungrily and keeping him locked in place was pretty hot (in a fear-inducing way). He was a colossal, all-powerful being who could do whatever he wanted, yet he cared so fucking much about Jake's wellbeing. He would never choose to hurt him, physically or mentally. Even as he loomed over him, Jake felt secure. Was it odd that he was into this? Timaeus didn't think so, and that was all that really mattered to him. Besides, he had a plethora of other kinks notwithstanding.

Timaeus leaned closer, breath hot against his skin. He dragged his tongue along his neck to collarbone, making a pleased noise as he withdrew to savor it.

"Damn, you're just a walking saltlick."

"Bug off; it’s wont to happen when you go for a splash in the sea."

"Not complaining."

He hesitated before carefully dragging his sharp canines across his shoulder. Jake shivered at the sensation.

"Mmm… so tasty~" he murmured in a husky tone, nibbling lightly on the shell of his ear. Jake would have laughed if he wasn't turned on by it.

"... Are you- Are you hankering for _vore? _Eheh... I'll cast no shade, but-"

"I mean, if you wanted-"

"M- Maybe next time, thanks. I've got to contemplate that one..."

"Fair enough," he purred, flicking his tongue against a nip and enjoying Jake’s flustered expression. "There are a _ lot _of options spread out for you here, and I'm down for any or all."

"... Like what?" he managed, smirking despite himself.

"Pretty much anything you can think of? I prefer being the "innie," if you catch my drift, but I can whip up most junk and make an aphrodisiac akin to venom, uh, for starters."

...

"Sorry, I suppose I'm a bit blown away, heh… Surprise me? You pick!"

"... If that's what you want. Just let me know if you're uncomfortable at any point, ok?"

He nodded, tilting his head up in an attempt to meet his lips. Timaeus smiled softly, leaning down to close the gap. It was sweeter than steamy, and they parted after a bit.

"Honestly? Like I said, I kind of… really want you inside me. Normal sex is chill, but you might enjoy a… compromise between that and off-the-charts fetish."

"... So, something that's sort of like intercourse but enough to satisfy your… deeper desires."

"Precisely. My proposition is this: I suck your schlong and then use you like a dildo, but in a tender, loving way."

Jake fell silent, then cracked up again.

"S- Sorry. The phrasing," he laughed embarrassedly. "That... sounds aces, if I'm being frank."

Timaeus looked relieved, as if he was bracing for rejection.

"Hell fucking yes."

He uncoiled belatedly, increasing his size a bit before laying Jake back on the bed and resuming his affection. He worked his way down to his trousers, trying to undo the buttons with his teeth in a sexy manner but failing. He then attempted to use his claws in vain. Jake took pity, doing it for him.

"... The latches were so much easier," he lamented. "I could do that shit with my eyes closed."

"I believe you."

"Thanks."

He went back to using his mouth, tonguing the full outline of his erection before biting the hem of his boxers and dragging them down. His fangs accidentally punctured the soft fabric, getting caught until he plucked it off with his hands.

"Sorry. This went a lot smoother in my head," he grumbled.

"You're- downright fantomenal," he assured as Timaeus got right to slicking his cock with his forked tongue before wrapping around it. He practically jerked him off like that from balls to head, minding his teeth to pull him into his mouth and sucking between the motions.

"Ah- Fff- God, yes!" he whined, arching into him. 

Eventually, he switched to a typical blowjob but retracted his tongue far enough to play with the tip. Jake squirmed, tightening his grip in that insanely soft, fluffy hair. Timaeus somehow took him even deeper in, lips pressed against his pelvis as he intensified his ministrations. He placed his claws on his hipbones and moved them back and forth, encouraging him to start thrusting.

The vocal vibrations and repetitive swallows were what pushed him over the edge. He managed a warning, but Timaeus just sped up until he spilled down his throat, continuing to move through the last spasms. He pulled off with a lewd slurp once he was spent.

"... Finally, some good fucking food," he quipped, wiping his mouth.

"I was thoroughly unprepared for your… talent," he managed, breathless.

"I've had a lot of practice. Would you say it was… god tier?"

He snorted, hugging him like a sap in the afterglow. Once he recovered, he met his gaze with a coy eyebrow waggle.

"Your turn. Up and at 'em!"

Timaeus chuckled, switching spots.

"Goddamn, you have such a way with words~"

"I'm trying," he huffed, diving in and attempting to mirror his affections. Timaeus's breath hitched when he ghosted his lips against the juncture of his neck and shoulder.

"Bite me," he begged quietly. Jake complied, and he keened, tail swishing. Jake drew out a would-be hickey, finishing with an apologetic kiss.

"... Should I keep that up?"

"Please…"

He littered his jaw to shoulders with pecks, nibbles, bites, and sucks, unraveling him beautifully. Timaeus clawed his back lightly as he mouthed the edges of his pointy earfins and became vocal in his pleasure by the time Jake was trailing kisses down his abdomen, tracing his contours.

Jake paused below his blue diamond of a navel, looking up. Timaeus forced himself back to coherency in order to see why he stopped.

"Sorry, er, what should I-"

"... Oh, yeah. Forgot."

He took Jake's hand, bringing it to a previously nonexistent slit in his tail where his crotch would be. It was large in proportion to his increased size.

"Can I still… use you? Is that ok?"

"Of course," he replied, a bit too quick and nervous. Timaeus glanced him over hesitantly as he stroked his hair, looking for any signs of uncertainty.

"There's a joke to be made about getting your feet wet, but know that you can change your mind at any point. Just say the word, and I'll turn this ride around."

"I know. Please, don't worry," he murmured, smooching his cheek. Somewhat reassured, he nodded, tugging him onto his lap.

"I'll ease you in when you're ready."

"I'm ready," he blurted out. Timaeus lined his toes up with the slick entrance, pressing him in and sighing as he adjusted to the stretching sensation.

"Ohhhhh, fuck…" 

He was surprisingly soft and warm inside, pulsating around him. He pushed him in deeper when Jake seemed unphased, muscles squeezing and trembling as he gradually worked his way up to his ribs. Wrapping his tail under his arms, he started sliding him in and out. Jake couldn't help but squirm a bit.

"Oh fuck, oh god, keep doing that… You feel so _ good _in there~"

Jake obliged him, rubbing haphazardly against his walls as he feigned struggling. After several minutes, he came with a cry, clenching around him as his pulse raced. He slowed to a stop, just leaving Jake in there until he regained composure. Gingerly, he pulled him out. He was speckled with an iridescent shimmer the consistency of water.

"... That was pretty hot."

"Glad you agree," he mumbled with a tired smirk.


	8. Chapter 8

_ 6.7.1926 _

_ Its been awhile since i kept with the daily logging. I havent had much to write about and hes offered plenty a distraction heheh. _

_ I like it here really. After this whole ordeal i dont fancy returning to the mainland should the opportunity present itself. To visit sure! Maybe a vacation from paradise every now and again just to appreciate our circumstances all the more. Of course not without him though. Im still working that one out. _

_ Ive been contemplating his offer and i cant deny its appeal… Ive no intent on fatherhood and i dont even think hes capable of such things so thats all good. Children are alright but id much rather be the fun uncle figure at most! He doesnt seem like the type either so i havent bothered broaching the subject. The commitment schtick is also a lot easier with him might i add. I feel as if im the luckiest chap ever to walk the earth._

_Anyhoo no longer having to worry about physical needs or becoming wrinkly and old is the dream but at what cost? Would i lose a part of me? To be frank im not sure i could even handle immortality. I dont know how hes kept sane for so long… _

_I think if_

"You writin' an erotic narrative? Just how spicy are we talkin'?"

He jumped, shutting it before Timaeus could read. He slithered atop him playfully, pinning him against the pillows.

"You're a nosy one."

Timaeus wiggled his hips a bit, either getting comfortable or trying to give him a boner.

"Mm... Can you blame me? S'not like I have much excitement in my life, sans you."

…

"I've… been meaning to speak with you about that, actually. If you wouldn't mind allowing me some air."

He slipped off in silence, suddenly serious. Jake sat up, catching his breath.

"... Is it something I'm doing? Not doing? Did? Or are you getting bored of-"

"No, no! Please. Rest assured, I'd tell you… It’s in regards to the deification schtick."

He relaxed, carrying on as if he hadn't been on the verge of panicking.

"That sounded way too similar to defecation."

"Well, what would you call it? Immortalization?"

"Doesn't matter. What about it, though?"

"I've given it more thought, and… I guess my first concern is that it might somehow warp me as a person. Have you witnessed that with...?"

"Oh, I'd say it keeps you more level-headed than anything, since you don't have to deal with as many neurochemical imbalances. Honestly, I don't… _ feel _ old. Time seems to become less relevant the longer I live, but if I keep myself occupied it doesn't bother me much. Usually. You know how I get the occasional breakdown and crave death, but they pass, and then I'm fine… Pretty sure that's just a "me" problem, anyway… There was one chick who went sicko mode, but she intended to from the start. She conned me into it, thinking she'd be invulnerable and go on to raise hell with no consequences."

"... What became of her?"

He patted his stomach, quirking a smile. Jake's eyes widened, but then he looked aside, muttering "I don't know what I expected."

"It's in my nature- enacting justice, completely obliterating bastards from existence. I'm the puppetmaster of the strings of fate... or something."

"Are you implying that you can control reality itself?"

"To an extent," he shrugged, unaffected.

…

"So… I suppose that answers my other question. I'll still be able to die, right?"

"Yeah. And if it comes down to it, if we get to the point where we're just completely over being alive… I bite you, you swing one of those shitty swords my way?"

"Sounds good," he chortled, continuing to pet his tail absentmindedly. It was thick and heavy, with solid, smooth scales that felt soft when stroked in the right direction. Every so often, Timaeus would squirm a bit like a cat getting back scritches, tail muscles shifting and reminding Jake just how real he was. It was mildly warm, unlike a genuine reptile, with a slightly flared tip and leafy, featherlike "frills" better suited for fish. All in all, it was quite pleasant to be wrapped up in or have a lap overflowing with when he didn't need to get up... God, but if he couldn't claim physical maintenance as an excuse for space anymore, he'd have no choice but to come clean and risk hurting his scaley's feelings. This was a predicament indeed, possibly more severe than any he'd faced to date. Granted, Timaeus was already made aware of his entire cornucopia of issues way back when, and he was afforded all the breathing room he wanted, without a hitch! He just... had to fess up about swindling him with subjectively less embarrassing excuses for abrupt departures, and the poor, long man was almost sure to blame himself, which would be a hurdle and a half to overcome...

"Man, it's been a longass while since I went into heat… Can you imagine if I did? Just for funsies? Woke up with a bellyful of universe eggs and informed you that you're the father? You'd likely drop dead before I could add that they won't "hatch," so I'd be left to brood over my brood and the consequences of my impulsivity all alone... Fucking tragic, the effects words have on people. Shit creates single dads, for cryin' out loud."

…

"That was a big whammo... Uh. Exactly how many more secrets of the sexual variety do you have up your sleeve?"

"None; don't wear em. My junk's just hanging out there like no one's business. Ask me anything- I'll give you a straight answer."

"... Anything?"

"Lay it on me."

He rested his head on his chest, tracing the designs along his abdomen. Timaeus closed his eyes, making a content noise.

"Right, ah… so the canoodling is activating your reproductive system of dubious authenticity. Correct?"

"I wouldn't call it reproduction, but just being around a hot dude sets it off, period… It’s not a bad thing, though, and I can override through sheer willpower- crises averted."

"That must take a lot of self-control," he managed. Of course he could perform such feats; the dude is literally full of surprises.

"It's easier than I'm describing. I just tell my bod not to do it, even if it's already underway, and it reverses thanks to the magic of magic... I don't actually need a partner to make it happen- it's just more fun that way."

"... Downright baffling."

"Biologists hate me... Anyway, should I go ahead and trigger your ascension to conditional godhood?"

"It’s not like I've got anything better to do."

They exchanged goofy grins for an inexplicable reason, and then Jake keeled over, getting a faceful of tiddy. Everything happened at once in that moment- he blacked out, and his functions skidded to a screeching halt. Timaeus waited a few minutes before gingerly flopping him onto his back and poking his shoulder. His wake was rockier than anticipated, consciousness and sensation returning in degrees over an extended period. Timaeus was beginning to think he fucked up past the point of no return when Jake finally moved, cracking open an eye with a tired groan. He exhaled in relief, carding his fingers through Jake's hair.

"Welcome back."

...

"What- What'd you... How did… Warn a fellow next time, for fuck's sake," he mumbled, shutting his eyes again.

"Sorry… It’s supposed to be short and sweet. Either I'm rusty, or you were a special case- Maybe both. You alright?"

"... I'll live, heh." 

"Pun unintended?"

...

"Oh, right... Did it work? I don't think anything's different, except… Wait, when did I stop breathing?!"

"That's normal- well, as normal as expected. Congrats; no more basic needs. You can restart it for nostalgia's sake."

"Roger that... Man, and not having a pulse anymore is strange, heh... Are you certain I can still-'"

"Yeah. Try to avoid getting hung up on the logistics, because it makes fuckall sense. Just more reality manipulation courtesy of yours truly."

He laughed weakly, closing his eyes again.

"... In all seriousness, thank you."

"My pleasure. I mean, it was no problem. I didn't enjoy you temporarily dying... Are you sure you're ok?"

"Apologies, I'm friggin siked about the whole shebang, I just feel like… Like I got trampled under a parade of cognitive carriages..."

"Shit. Uh, here, I'll-"

He tilted Jake’s head up gently with his tail, holding it steady as he cupped his chin and placed a smooch on his lips, then his head, cheeks, and the tip of his nose. He giggled as Timaeus continued, struggling to stay still.

"... Better?"

...

"A thousand percent, actually. Holy fucking frying pans flipping flapjacks! You... You really just did that."

"Mhm~ It's a quick fix; just recalibrated your awareness."

He nodded as if that made sense.

"... So, that's it? No trials or tribulations to earn this fountain of youth?"

"Nope."

"Wowza… Ah, so what next?"

"Hm?"

"I don't know what to do with myself... It’s like there's nothing holding me back now.

...

Oh god, I have too much POTENTIAL! I- Please, stop me!!!"

"Dude, just chill for a sec. I promise it'll pass; you'll get used to being like this."

Jake furrowed his brow, still frowning concernedly but allowing Timaeus to bring him back to his tiddy pillow.

"Think a heavenly handjob would help take your mind off things?"

"... It’s plausible."


	9. Chapter 9

When they went on adventures together (which Jake was getting better at convincing him to do), Timaeus's quirks made it possible for them to accomplish much more than humanly possible. He was insanely strong and didn't tire as easily as Jake; he made climbing look effortless, and his average slither was about the pace of a jog. In the water, though- hoo boy. For some reason, the man was built to swim. It wasn't unlike the transition between land and swamp for a gator. He was fucking  _ fast,  _ and just as skilled at quick, mindboggling maneuvers. 

Now that Jake didn't need to breathe anymore, they could even explore the damn ocean floor. He'd cling onto his sea serpent as they used his glow to scope out wrecks and things that were once above water, nerding out whenever he found trinkets and old fixtures and the likes. One day, they stumbled upon a cracked, algae-covered statue of Timaeus, to his mortification. The artist had... taken liberties, but Timaeus let it stay up because they had meant well and put too much effort into it. For once, he was glad that the island had lost that much land.

They resurfaced to rest, hauling themselves onto a flat, sunny rock and flopping down atop it. The waves were peaceful today, a soothing rhythm encompassing them with the sounds of far off gulls and other birds. Timaeus laid on his stomach to watch the critters in the adjacent tide pool, carefully extracting a hermit crab to show Jake before letting it scuttle back in. His tail made a tiny whirlpool as he swirled it around behind him absentmindedly.

"A lot has changed since I last came here. Those grains of sand are new," he deadpanned, pointing to a random patch on the shore beside them.

"In all seriousness, though, it's nice being active again."

"I'm downright delighted that you're enjoying yourself, love."

"Mhmm~" 

He yawned, stretching and rolling onto his back. 

"Say, would you care to shoot the breeze on this fine afternoon?" 

"Yeah, fuck it. Get out your guns, and we'll assassinate the air."

"Sweet! Why not start by spilling some juicy tidbits about your past?"

Timaeus gestured in the direction of the statue, raising a brow.

"Juicier than those bits?" 

Jake snort-laughed, covering his face.

"What do you even want to know? I told you all about my disastrous breakups, my approximate history, the fact that I engaged in freaky shit and also played God- is there something I missed?" 

"Er, how about your childhood? What was your nonhuman parental figure like?"

"Hah, ok… Would you believe me if I said I was "born" as a grownass adult? Also, never saw him again after Day 1 back in fuckin' Babylon. Once I hatched, he just stared me down with his lack of eyes- I guess I'm lucky I can't go blind, because it was the equivalent of looking into the goddamn sun. After an extended period of ogling, he thoughtspoke in this booming voice, with a nonexistent language I somehow understood:

"YOU ARE OF ME AND THIS WORLD. TAKE CARE TO MAINTAIN ITS BALANCE, AS I HAVE CRAFTED YOUR ENTIRE UNIVERSE IN MY IMAGE OF COSMIC PERFECTION. I BESTOW UPON YOU THE ABILITY AND WISDOM TO DO SO, SO DON'T FUCK IT UP. IF YOU LOSE THIS ADORNMENT, YOU WILL NO LONGER BE CAPABLE OF PASSING AS A HUMAN, AND I WON'T COME BACK TO HELP YOUR SORRY ASS. THAT'S ON YOU. NOW, I WILL GO FUCK ANOTHER ONE OF MY CREATIONS' CREATIONS. HAVE FUN FIGURING OUT EVERYTHING ON YOUR OWN."

And then he materialized that pendant before flying off into space like a giant piece of shit. I think he went full-on astral…"

"Sounds like quite the fella… Good gravy." 

"I improvised a lil, but yeah." 

...

"Wait, so you basically  _ are _ God?"

"No, he is, but he's just a bigass celestial snake artisan. He doesn’t settle down anywhere; I might have half-siblings reigning over alien planets..."

"Then, you're... the equivalent of Christianity's Jesus?"

"Holy shit. I guess?" he laughed. "I'm partial to the older myths, but it's all a heap of horseshit, so."

"... If you don’t mind me asking, how did he "meet" your mother?" 

"Oh, he took on a fuckable form to be all seductive succubus and shit. I try not to imagine the details, but she said it was the best decision she ever made." 

Jake nodded, clearly relating. 

"She was only my mother in the genetic sense- she didn't raise me."

"If it's any consolation, I don't remember my parents… I did have a guardian, though."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. She was a regular polymath! I'm not sure if we were biologically related, but I'd always called her Grandma. Which is silly since she had no Ma to grand, but it fit our dynamic well enough. She was very old, you see, yet more adventurous, brave, and creative than all the folks I've ever met combined. She taught me to appreciate the natural world- the flora and fauna and all the stars above… We'd do things like garden and hike and draw and play music and she adopted _a gazillion pups..._ Gosh, we had so much fun together," he sighed nostalgically. 

"She passed when I was still a beansprout. I tried to follow in her footsteps and did a bangup job of it, which... ultimately led me here."

Timaeus frowned, placing a tentative hand on his shoulder. Jake acknowledged it with a glance, still deep in thought.

"The silver lining is there's no one awaiting my return! I'm bungs at being social, heheh."

"I was shit at it, even when I was off my pedestal and blending in with the populace... I mean, I obviously still am, but now I have an excuse to avoid getting back out there."

He hummed contemplatively as Timaeus played with his hair. 

...

"Anything else you're dyin' to know?"

"Oh, for sure! Despite your candidness, you remain more enigmatic than the cosmos! I just- gah, sorry. I've got to piece my thoughts together in a manner that's at least somewhat coherent and answerable…"

"If Daddy Demiurge hadn't beamed his knowledge into me, I'd be in the same boat. Provided I actually reconvened with the deadbeat."

…

"Heh. *Snrk.* Sorry, I shouldn't laugh, I just- I never thought there was a bonafide deity out there, let alone one best described as a deadbeat."

"It is absurd, but it explains a lot, doesn't it? He only ever showed up to fuck with people, destroy things, lay down contradicting religions just to incite chaos and wars… Smashing was his most benign hobby, but, from what I've gathered, he seemed to have stopped caring about this planet's life altogether by the time the Golden Age rolled around. There are a lot of theories, the most reasonable of which being that they evolved too much for him to directly manipulate, or he straight up lost interest and decided to bother another one of his creations..." 

"... You were likely better off without his influence," he offered.

"Yeah... I still worry about becoming worse than him with the sheer power I hold, but… I don't know. At least I give a shit about not causing harm? Which is more than I can say for him... Still, it's a pretty fucking low bar. Shit's buried under all universal standards of decency."

After a moment, Timaeus turned to face him, expression dark.

"I've done some downright heinous things. I'm sorry for not telling you earlier."

"But you did. You painted enough of a picture from the get-go- you meant well, and you did what you had to."

"No, it- I was much worse than that. It got to the point where I'd hole up in the mountain and ignore their needs unless I felt like they earned some attention or I wanted to enact punishments. I had a skewed set of morals… and I was way too much like him- a heartless perfectionist... The shittiest part? I actually thought I was helping them to become the most advanced, ideal society. I thought I could eliminate their capacity for wrongdoings altogether- obviously, it backfired."

Jake fell silent, unsure how to respond.

"Sometimes, I wonder if my worshippers were just afraid of getting on my bad side because I'm a fucking monster deep down. I don't like to think that they were trying to appease me or whatever; I'd rather they wanted to offer appreciation for shit I didn't cause, like bountiful harvests, or even visit for ulterior motives. It feels bad to picture them afraid of me to the extent that they thought they were obligated to bribe me on a regular basis."

It was getting progressively harder for Jake to relate, but he could sort of sympathize. He had a history of people only giving positive attention out of lust for his appearance and/or enamourment with his persona. He patted his arm, at a loss for words.

"... Sorry. I shouldn't have dumped that on you. I mean, I should've told you from the start... Either way, I made too many wrong decisions and I didn’t even realize just how twisted I was until I ended up alone."

...

"You learned from it, right? That's all that matters. My gran would say to move on and do better."

He didn't respond, just staring off into the distance. Jake grasped for a new topic.

"What did they call this place, anyway?" 

"We both went through name changes during different eras, but the last one was what stuck on records- my ex embellished its downfall. Take a wild guess."

"... Is it Atlantis?" he squeaked.

"It is Atlantis. Or, it was... Heh."

"Hoppin' hotcakes!!! I was certain that that was nothing more than the stuff of myths…"

"You should have seen it back in its peak," he half-smiled.

"... What happened? If you're comfortable talking about it."

Timaeus paused and then went off as if he had rehearsed for that moment.

"Contrary to what was written, they died out because I was a cruel bastard. I got impatient with humanity's flaws over the centuries and gave up on them, which was hypocritical as hell. People who didn't do a single damn thing wrong suffered just as much as the corrupt ones because I neglected them all. I held them collectively responsible for fixing their own problems, and they didn't or couldn't. By the time I started giving a shit again, it was too late. They were incapable of sustaining themselves, and even the stragglers I immortalized ended up dying from the clusterfuck of Armageddon- infighting, scarcity of resources, an oppressive cult that formed when I wasn't looking, overpopulation inverting to just a handful of seniors incapable of reproducing… That was how the city really fell. I could have reestablished them at that point if I tried enough, but I... didn't. I don't know why."

…

"Maybe you didn't want a recurrence?" 

"Jake, please. Stop excusing me. It can't be justified in any light. I'm only telling you because you have the right to know- it's not too late to run for the hills."

"Listen, I'm just being frank! How else am I supposed to respond? I get it! You did bad things! Very bad things with grave consequences, because that's what happens when you have supernatural abilities I guess. But I don't think it's fair to shoulder  _ all  _ that blame- they were responsible for their own screw ups. Maybe the punishment thing was a bit much, yeah, but you thought it warranted because you were trying to emulate your father, right? I assume now that you know better, you wouldn't pull that malarkey, so I think that's all that really needs to be said about the matter." 

"... Do you have a death wish, or just no sense of self-preservation?  _ Why  _ aren't you afraid?"

"To be honest, I don't care. I know for a fact that you'd never choose to harm me, because that's not who you want to be. You've come a long way, I'd wager. And if you somehow did do me in one day, say on accident... Well, that'd be alright. I'm sure it'd be worth it," he smirked. 

… 

Timaeus laid back down with a sigh, limp and defeated. 

"Now, back to our fun inquiries!"

"Great."

"Would you kindly tell me how you spent the rest of your time amongst humans?" 

"I… did a lot of healing- it was too easy and rewarding not to. I fucked a lot, too. Obviously. I spewed my bullshit like I was some enlightened teacher, which was a joke. I did plenty more meddling with societies in assbackwards attempts to fix them, I made horses sacred because, uh, I like them, but it didn't stick past my reign. Reins."

He chortled. 

"In the beginning, way back when it was all getting started, I played Prometheus to help establish and further them. I regret that, like most of my decisions."

"My dear, haven't you ragged on yourself enough yet? For chrissake, your heart was in the right place-"

"Was it really? Only I know the extent of the evil that lies within me." 

…

…

...

"I'll admit, it's kind of sexy imagining you with a dark side."

Timaeus blinked a couple times, processing his words.

"So, that was your plan all along- enabling me to get off." 

Jake made to protest but was playfully slapped by his tail tip. He feigned indignance, tackling it and wrapping his limbs around its girth to try to wrestle it into submission. He could never fairly beat the limb, but Timaeus let him pin it every now and then like a cat with a string toy. 

It was still slippery, speeding up the losing battle. Jake lost his grip and plummeted down towards the rock, but Timaeus swiftly maneuvered to let him slide into the water instead. Jake was rather glum about having to warm up and dry off again, so he fished him back out and brought him to his torso for an apologetic smooch. Jake applied a fake cheek slap to level the field, then snuggled up atop him. He sighed contently, nuzzling the crook of his neck as Timaeus gently drew patterns on his back with his claws.

"You good, though? I'm sorry for belittling earlier, but if these things are genuinely upsetting you-" 

"It's not that. I'm… good enough. Just felt like dredging up old sins and subjecting you to them… Yeah, I'm fine otherwise. I've encountered more nice bastards since Atlantis fell and have yet to try to micromanage another civilization, so maybe that's progress? Not gonna lie, I wish I didn't have the potential to cause destruction, period, and I'll second-guess myself for the rest of my days, but that's just how it is on this bitch of a planet. Shit just got clogged up and I couldn't hold it in anymore; had to unload on you so that you'd see the full picture." 

Jake was relieved that he'd reverted to his crude imagery, a telltale sign that he was ok.

"Thank you for… opening up about those things. I really appreciate your honesty, but I'm not phased or even all that surprised. I probably should be, yes! But that's my problem... For what it's worth, I fear just about everything else under the moon and sun." 

"It seems like you're embracing me, the scariest motherfucker ever to crawl the Earth, in a last-ditch effort to seek asylum from lesser threats."

"Nnnnnno; I trust you. It’s as simple as that!

… Ok, yeah, maybe there's a smidge of ulterior motives wedged in underneath but my sentiment remains!" 

"A century from now, that could be considered a "power move." "Big dick energy," even."

"Ergh, your future slang is so confusing... I'd say that sort of gift is only worth using in an attempt to cultivate foresight." 

"And I'd say it's pointless, because the fuckin' memes jacked up etymological irony until it was too deep to glean a margin of sense from without context... The layer pile doesn't stop from getting taller, dude. It just keeps happening." 

Jake groaned, wishing he could reciprocate the asshattery but unable to comprehend it. 

"... Ah, applesauce. I can’t help but feel like a flat-tired wurp because you clearly know your onions and I don't! I'd be wont to jive with you and think your colloquialisms are just berries if you lent me a friggin dictionary or _something."_

"That can be arranged." 

He didn't even miss a beat. Jake gaped, baffled and indignant.

"It's not fair," he grumbled, smushing his face into his torso habitually. Timaeus chuckled, bringing a hand up to scritch his scalp. Jake decided to stop caring.

He fell asleep to his affections like usual, and Timaeus was stuck there for almost two hours, unwilling to wake him. It was penance enough.


	10. Chapter 10

"... Sorry. Again."

He glanced up from his journal, perplexed.

"What for?"

"For… I don't know, everything? Some part of me thinks I should push you away altogether for your wellbeing, but I've been too damn selfish to."

"That's a lot of stuff and nonsense. You've only ever helped me, for fuck's sake- you can't get rid of me _ that _ easily! No siree, I'm not going anywhere because I _ want _to be here.

…

Er, but if you wish I'd leave for your own sake I'd-"

"No, fuck, 'course not. I want you too much. Here, I mean."

"Then that's that! Please, give that poor noggin of yours a rest. There's nothing to fret over."

...

"Ok," he sighed. "... Thank you."

"This isn't a charity act, either; I hope you know that. I genuinely enjoy being with you."

"Likewise," he managed, sounding overwhelmed with suppressed emotions as he sometimes did. Jake finished logging and scooted over to him, determined to put a stop to that. Timaeus stiffened when he interrupted his thoughts by climbing into his lap, administering a solid hug. He relaxed gradually as he reciprocated, closing his eyes and burying his face in that messy hair. He focused on breathing in the scent of his sweet plumeria wash and listening to him hum, tension easing away in degrees until his anxiety abated. Jake held him tightly despite his scrawniness, rubbing his back with his fingers but otherwise staying in place.

"... Don't deserve you."

"There’s no such thing as deserving someone. Do I have to write up a lengthy affirmation that I'm staying on my own accord and beyond fortunate to be in your life? Because I will, consarn it! Please, just… Just believe that I love you- the real you. It’s too disheartening to think that you don’t."

…

"I do. I don't understand why or how you could, but I believe you… And I love you, too. So fucking much."

"I know," he smiled against his chest. "Try not to get yourself into a tizzy over this anymore, alright? I'll keep assuring you until I go blue-faced with bruised gums, and-"

"That's not necessary, but thanks. I think I'm finally getting it," he murmured, smooching the top of his head.

"Capital," he grinned, snuggling closer. Timaeus's heart fluttered, core filling with warmth. Jake could make him believe that everything would be fine if he just tried hard enough. He was capable of working through this, so he set his mind to it.

"... May I glean one more answer from you for the day?"

"Uh, sure."

"Did all of the folks you immortalized come to pass?"

"No, thank fuck. I can sense the ones that are still kickin'."

…

"Ask away."

"How did you-"

"You're makin' the face that you always do when you're dyin' of curiosity but trying not to pry. There's no question limit, dude."

"Sorry," he huffed embarrassedly.

"Nah, it’s fuckin' adorable. Just say what's on your mind."

"Can… you tell me about them? As much as you're comfortable sharing."

"You're in luck, because it's a topic I have fuckall reservations for. To start, though, I… haven't seen most of them in a long time. It’s my fault for fucking off to brood here after I lost the amulet, but just knowing that they're well is enough… I mean, if they were in trouble I'd manifest wherever they ended up. You and the rest of them are tethered to my soul, so to speak, since I can't exactly duplicate my source of immortality. I feel it when there's something imminently life-threatening on any of their ends, but the ones I'm closest to aren't inclined to get in deep shit, which is helpful since having a naga manifest through the fabric of space to bail you out isn't the easiest thing to live down."

"Naga?"

"Did I never use that term with you? It’s, uh, the most fitting I can think of from any language. It originated in Hinduism for a type of mythological snakelike people. Sneeple."

Jake gigglesnorted.

"... Sorry, please continue."

"Right, so, immortals. There's a handful who've made it through centuries, but the oldest two date back to the hell that was the dark ages. One was an unwilling knight sent to kill me when I started liberating chicks from arranged marriages in my full form like one of those dragon fairytales… Shit, wait, I definitely didn't tell you that I can shift into an actual giant monster. Like, all scales and spikes and shit?"

He shook his head, eyes wide.

"Ok, well I can, and now you know. It's not like you already have a metric fuckton of reasons to leave… and I just got finished promising to chill about that. Anyway, uh, the other was a flirty roadside rogue after my amulet in human form. They were both easy to reason with, because they're abnormally smart and decent people. Even easier to talk with. It was… nice making memories over our millennia together. Before you debate asking what happened, that was when the amulet was stolen. We were traveling with some of their friends, and I woke up because I was suddenly filling up my entire inn room. I panicked and zapped back here. I figured they were better off without my assfuckery anyway and wanted to avoid anyone else finding me like this. Like, I was trying to make good first impressions and shit. Revealing yourself as a deadly nonhuman tends to go south fast."

"And... you can't time travel, just teleport?" 

"Sadly, the manipulation of time isn't possible to my knowledge. Be fuckin' sweet if it was; it'd fix ninety percent of my problems.

... I do want to see them again. It’s just awkward, for multiple reasons... God, and those fuckers spread my threads like an STD once they figured out how to extend their tethers. Granted, a lot of the recipients still died before I could intervene, but I have a whole damn network of dependents I've never met thanks to them... And they tend to live in civilization, so if I try to visit the originals I'll inevitably be seen by too many people. I'm not going anywhere unless I can take on a human form or they're in actual danger. The latter's happened a couple of times with the aforementioned strangers, but I fucked right back to the mountain instead of attempting to be social."

Jake pondered this.

"Couldn't they come visit you?"

"... Only I can feel the other ends of the threads, and... I kind of didn't tell them where I live- aside from it being Atlantis," he laughed sheepishly. "It just... never came up? I mean, yeah, I wasn't ready to go back or show them my failures, but I didn't even consider drawing it on a map or anything, and they never asked to see it, probably because we had more important things to do and they knew it was a sore subject... In short, I wasn't planning on having to fuck off, and I didn't _want _to hide from them. Shit was plain rude and idiotic all around."

"... What if they think you died?"

"I did have the accidental foresight to explain that my energy is what keeps you all "alive" before I changed them… It'd be nice if me dying had no effect on anyone, but I tragically have to stay around."

There was no hint of sarcasm, which put Jake a bit on edge. _ Did he really just say that he would have offed himself if not for his tethers? _

Not knowing how to respond was becoming commonplace for him, it seemed. He couldn't tell if that was a genuine issue Timaeus wanted to address. His uncomfortable silence unintentionally dragged on long enough for Timaeus to notice he was frozen up.

"... Wait, shit. Fuck. Sorry; I wasn't implying that I actively want to, uh, die. Just the usual underlying issues that flare up sometimes. You know, existential dread and all that shit."

To someone who hadn't experienced his casual allusions, the exchange would have been disconcerting at best, but Jake understood now and was relieved to put it in a familiar frame of reference. _ Sometimes the fella just bites off more than he can chew, and he gets… mental indigestion? Yeah. Wanting to die by itself isn't a cause for concern, at least not in Timaeus's case. Heaven help this poor god... _

"Ohhh. Gotcha! Heh, thanks for clarifying."

"Anytime."

He laid there, deep in thought and trying to ignore the call of sleep. Timaeus was utterly content and relaxed again, the ideal outcome of a soul-baring session. He was also wont to act post-coital in this state- extra affectionate and clingy to a pleasant degree. Jake’s mind wandered from trying to plot some impossible quest for the amulet to embracing the soft and fuzzy blankness that Timaeus's cuddles instigated. Jake laid his head on his chest as he got cozy in his tail sleeping bag, closing his eyes to the soothing sensations of his heartbeat and other nonessential essential functions.

"Thank you for being with me," he murmured quietly, tugging Jake back to semi-consciousness for a moment.

...

"Thank you for letting me... M' the luckiest man in the whole world."

Timaeus just held him closer, gently massaging his back until they were both out cold.


	11. Chapter 11

Come morning, Jake was refreshed and raring to go on another adventure. As he waited for his nocturnal serpent to fully awaken, he resumed his contemplation of the conundrum.

"... Wait, wait. So you don't need the amulet to shift to a bonafide Nada?" 

"Naga, and nope… The way I see it, I have to earn and maintain my humanity. Being a monster is something inherent to me."

"I'm ignoring that last bit since it's folly."

"Jake, it's literally in my nature to-"

"Shhhhh. Shush. Only positive thoughts."

"Sorry, but I'm a realist. Have to keep myself grounded."

"... You do know yourself best," he sighed. "Just take caution not to slip down those slopes of negativity and self-deprecation."

"Deal."

He smiled softly, pecking Timaeus on the cheek and taking the opportunity to pet his hair before he'd get up and tidy it for the day. He admired his dedication to his appearance, especially considering that he was hardly seen by the outside world.

Timaeus retaliated by reaching towards him in a sleepy stretch and pulling him back into the pillow pile, dragging out a lazy kiss. Jake was quite literally swept off his feet, suspended with his tail. He traced the forked outline of Timaeus's tongue with his own and made a flustered noise when Timaeus suckled on it, rubbing it from both sides. When they parted, Jake covered his mouth and looked away embarrassedly.

"Why do you have to be so doggone _ good _ at this?" he groaned.

"Because I don't feel like facin' the day yet… C'mon, just a little longer~"

"... You're lucky you can't get morning breath," he huffed, diving back in.

It was near impossible not to nut when Timaeus took the wheel. By the time he had Jake pinned and breathless, Jake was very much enthusiastic about their change in plans. He arched his hips, desperate for friction against those lovely lips dampening the outline of his clothed erection.

"H- How big can you get?" he managed timidly. Timaeus glanced up, amused at the interruption.

"About the size of Australia."

"Holy_ shit." _

"Why? You wanna experiment~?"

"God yes, just- maybe not _ that _big, ha-ah!"

He whined at the sudden nip to his hipbone, tightening his grip.

** _ [Beginning of the Vore Part] _ **

"I... I'm ready to go all the way if you are," he panted.

"Oh, fuck... Are we on the same page this time?"

He nodded hesitantly, worrying his lower lip. Timaeus leaned closer and recaptured it before murmuring, "Because I want to fucking _devour_ you in the most literal sense of the word. Wanna swallow you whole and feel you move deep inside of me-"

"Yes. God, please…"

"... You sure it won't be too intense? Didn't seem real thrilled about my quirks when we first met."

"That… That was different. I know you now, and you'll never do anything to harm me."

"And you'll let me know if shit goes pear-shaped or you want out. Sock me, whatever."

"Scout's Honor."

"Works for me. Alright, then, let's get this show on the fucking road."

Fuck, if Jake felt small around him at normal size, now he felt downright miniscule. It wasn't a mystery why the room was so big… Timaeus's eyes alone became half his height, yet, as usual, he just looked even lovelier and more inviting. He'd been in his mouth before on numerous occasions, at first out of curiosity. Timaeus never tested his boundaries, only doing what he was comfortable with. They worked their way up to things like Timaeus sucking him off halfway past his lips, letting him slide back and grip his molars to grind against the beginning of his throat without swallowing, gentle roughhousing, pinning him carefully between his teeth, and even just casual hanging out for extended periods of time, running his tongue over Jake every now and again, who often ended up falling asleep on it or in his cheek after being massaged and played with like a piece of candy. Needless to say, the paradox of trust and safety in a technically dangerous environment didn't phase him. Once Timaeus stopped growing, he lowered his head to place a smooch atop his body, then stroked him with a fingertip.

"Still good?"

"Y- Yeah."

"Positive?"

_ "Yes. _Please don’t make me beg…"

Reassured, he grinned, flashing a fang before curling his tongue around him effortlessly like he would his tail and lifting him into his mouth. It was wet and warm, obviously, but lacked any odor or guck- a familiar, bioluminescent cave with sparkles scattered across the roof of his mouth like a starry night sky and intricate, flowy patterns throughout. His tongue illuminated the space, transitioning from silver-white to cyan the further back it went. Jake decided that it led to a mystical paradise deep inside of his paramour, and found himself rather enthralled with the idea. Timaeus rolled him around playfully with pleased hums and sucks to slick him up before sending him down.

It grew even brighter and bluer the lower he was taken, massaged along by the plush, pulsating muscles. He was both relaxed and invigorated by the sensations and lovely hues. Timaeus sighed blissfully when he slid through the opening, dropping into the pool of warm water with a splash.

"... I've wanted this for so long~

Heh, welcome? Hope it doesn't disappoint."

In appearance, it resembled an ice cave, but the designs from above were also present there. The light shining through the water reflected in pretty patterns that danced across the ceiling. With each breath, gentle waves ebbed and flowed as tides.

"You went down so nicely, and I can't _wait _'til you fill me with those cute little butterfly wiggles~"

He rubbed at Jake with two fingers, failing to stifle an erotic noise. Yeah, he was definitely getting off to this. Jake wasn't faring any better, though, especially now that he was entrenched in beautiful cerulean. It felt so… intimate. Timaeus had become his world, and he was safe there, protected in the controlled environment of his core. They'd both made themselves vulnerable in different ways by getting so close, both literally and metaphorically speaking. Maybe it was just the logical next step in their relationship? Hah.

He cursed between encouraging praises and begs for more as Jake stimulated his walls, muscles clenching and twisting haphazardly. Jake couldn't not whip out his dick as his voice reverberated around him and his heart raced, gel-like filaments contracting rhythmically. He was glad that Timaeus opted to use some organic functions, because it just magnified his attractiveness. He kept up with the internal rubs while he thrusted into the squeezing softness, surrounded by growing rumbles that jostled him and water sounds from other organs. Timaeus's sensory output was overwhelming, but by god was Jake losing it in this perfect little oasis. Being engulfed by the blue glow made it even better... He had to remember to ask if Timaeus could spread that color elsewhere.

"Mmmmm, god… Are you…? Fuck, I can actually _ feel _ your microdick," he half-laughed, half-moaned.

Jake peaked shortly after him. It had to be one of his best nuts ever… He flopped against the nearest curved side, spent and content. Several minutes later, Timaeus affectionately poked the tiny lump, squishing the walls around him as he felt him out before resting his hand above him.

"... You're amazing," he murmured. Jake snuggled into him more, closing his eyes.

"Heh... Kinkiness aside, it feels so good just to have you here and indulge my urge to be a clingy control freak... Keeping you safe gives me a sense of purpose- importance, I guess. Like this is something I can do _right_ without trying, and it feels so satisfying... so... fulfilling... grounding, even. Sayonara, emptiness of despair. I've been got."

Jake stroked the filaments, which glowed brighter in response. They fell asleep like that for a while, and then Timaeus stirred, accidentally waking him with an absentminded stretch that sent him tumbling.

"Hmnnn~ Ah, sorry!"

The sudden tension in his muscles relaxed at the reassuring rubs that followed, and he exhaled in relief, settling down again.

"... If it's any reassurance, I made my insides incapable of hurting you, but that was still pretty fuckin' dumb... Anyway. I know you were itchin' to go somewhere new today, so I have another assbackwards proposal: explore me. If you get bored or whatever, just raise hell and I'll retrieve you. Otherwise, you can leave from the tip of my tail. I'll keep it open in case I fall back asleep... And no, it has no functional purpose; it isn't capable of parting without physics-defying molecule manipulation. I'm not shitting you."

That addition was admittedly a relief.

He was cozy there and unwilling to get up just yet, so he snoozed a little longer and then scooted through the fold that had formed below him, proceeding to cross a variety of weird materials, crystalline structures, swirling streams, and connecting channels. He was far past his stomach when he came across a prismlike, multicolored light, whose source was a ball of… eggs? He couldn't think of anything else they could be, but they didn't resemble real eggs in the least. They were an assortment of multifaceted geometric shapes similar to mirror glass beads. Each was unique, the smaller ones clustered together like berries that were still growing.

_ What the fuck. _

The transparent sphere that held them was iridescent like a bubble. He poked it cautiously and discovered that it was semitangible. After a moment of contemplation, he reached though to find them rock hard, larger ones floating in place with no liquid to suspend them. They drifted a bit at the disturbance, several clacking together and bouncing off the encasement before settling again. He placed his hand on the center group and then withdrew at the unexpected heat. He must have set off some sort of nerve, because Timaeus gasped and the whole place went unstable. By the time he got his footing, Timaeus had stilled, but his heart and breath were amplified even there.

"Should've… warned you- that shit's sensitive. Fuck with 'em some more if you really want to, but understand you're at risk of impregnating and/or corrupting a new universe. You know, just guy things."

_ What the _ ** _fuck._ **

He decided to leave them be, spelunking deeper until he reached a tunnel with seemingly endless turns, hills, and valleys. Like the roof of his mouth, it resembled an astral cave, glittering with stardust and hues of purple, green, and blue. The ground was still wet and easy to sink into there, so he kept his steps light and steady. It became more solid further along, but that was when he stumbled on something sharp. He slipped and fell, grateful for the remaining pliancy.

"... Y'kay?" he mumbled.

Jake patted the side as he got up, then looked for his assailant. It was… a ring. He picked it up, examining it in the dim light before continuing on for what seemed like miles. The more he advanced, the more oddities he spotted. Buckles, bracelets... He collected them all just for the hell of it. 

_ Did dragons ever eat their treasures in the stories? Maybe he wants these back... _

Some were worthy of museums, while others were modest, made of cheap metals with minimal detail. He carried everything to the end regardless of its face value, just in case Timaeus was sentimental about his gut decorations and wished to see them again for some unholy reason.

He had his arms full by the time he reached the star-shaped light of his open tail, so he carefully slid down and just sat there for a moment, readjusting to being in a hard, unmoving environment. 

** _ [End of the Vore Part] _ **

The bastard was out cold, as predicted, breathing softly. Jake couldn't help but smile with fondness at the peaceful sight, abandoning the junk and drawing closer. He climbed his cheek to place a tiny kiss on the tip of his nose and pat it, counting on Timaeus not to fling him off like a bug. Timaeus made a half-hearted grumble of protest but roused soon after, blinking slowly. He attempted crossing his eyes to focus on Jake with a sleepy smile.

"... Hey."

"Hey."

He plucked him off carefully between two claws, set him on the floor, and handed him a towel, then reverted to normal size to interact with him properly.

"Have fun~?"

"It was… stellar. You’re quite the looker, inside _and_ out."

"You're so sweet... Almost too cute to eat," he smirked.

"...Speaking of which, is snacking on adornments a pasttime of yours?"

"Nnnno. Why?"

"Uh, I collected a variety of what I assumed were lost treasures in your tail, though it's beyond me how they got there or why you weren't aware of their presence... Didn't you feel any irritation?"

"Nah. But thanks; can I see?"

He nodded, leading him over and scooting a blanket aside so that he could spread the already-dry pile out on the rock floor. Sunlight reflected off the metals and jewels, which somehow weren't corroded in the least. In fact, he wagered that they looked the same as they did before they went into "storage."

Timaeus untangled the chains, inspecting each piece thoughtfully. He picked up an azure spider brooch, grimacing.

"This one belonged to Aranea, the wannabe god."

"That lady you-"

"Yeah."

"... Ah."

He opened the window and chucked it out without any fanfare, returning to the pile.

"I don't recognize most of these, but it's not like I have a reason to- I didn't bother removing accessories that weren't weapons or armor, so I guess jewelry is one of the few things my body can't absorb... The guys who went willingly tended to leave their valuables and clothes outside, since it was a... temporary arrangement."

"I'm glad I'm not the only fellow who enjoys these sorts of activities," he laughed nervously.

"Far from it... You’re special, though."

Timaeus stopped at a firey orange necklace, eyes widening in bewilderment.

"... You found it."

"Hm?"

"Jupiter fucking Cicero, Jake, you found my goddamn amulet!"

"I did?!"

"No, I just said that for shits and giggles. How the hell did it…"

They fell silent, bafflement hanging thick in the air.

"You… do get a bit peckish in your sleep sometimes, love. No offense."

"I can't fucking believe... Jake. Jake, I literally never would have found it. I haven't seen it in _ centuries. _ The whole time, it was just… there?! Holy shit."

He cracked up, tears beginning to stream down his face.

"The thief was me all along. Jesus..."

He put it on, careful not to mess up his hair. Just like that, he became a boring human, all supernatural features, markings, and bling gone (sans the one hanging from his neck). His clothes were mundane, mimicking Jake’s style; he figured they adapted so that Timaeus could blend in anywhere. His eyes stayed the same intensity as his amulet, though.

"What do you think?"

"Er… You look pretty much the same, just… human and not naked. In a good way!"

He pulled Jake into an uncharacteristically enthusiastic hug, lifting him off the ground. He was still taller than him, just a lot less now.

"Thank you. Thank you so fucking much... Now I have no excuse to avoid interpersonal obligations."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've written similar things already so I didn't want to sound repetitive ahah
> 
> If you're looking for more vorny fics:
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/16242623
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/18054620


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The whole work remains unedited by yours truly, but Chapter 12 is a straight up draft that I was impatient to post. I'll remove this note once I've revised it!

"You ever been to New York?"

"Can't say so, no."

"Ditto. She lives in a city called... Yonkers. Not like that information is helpful, but, uh."

"Looks awfully chilly."

"Seasonal thing."

"Gotcha… Is there anything else I need to know, or shall we get right to moseying on down there?"

"We're good to go," he smiled, taking his hand and leading him through the portal. Jake shivered immediately upon stepping out into the alley, pulling his blanket cloak tighter with his free hand. Timaeus seemed unphased.

"Hell's bells and all its whistles, this place is colder than a yeti's gonads," he lamented. They observed the passersby for a moment, and then Timaeus was sporting a scarf, gloves, cap, grey jacket, and ridiculous trousers tucked into boots. Jake gaped, and he just shrugged in response, handing him the cap to meticulously fix his hair.

"I get what the majority are wearing, for better or worse."

"Ah. That was my theory," he grinned, teeth chattering.

Timaeus proceeded to unbutton his jacket and assail him with the winter clothes, then spawned similar ones. He didn't attempt to give him his pants, as Jake was several sizes smaller and they weren't exactly in a private area. Jake was content to frolic around in shorts, though.

They finally exited the wind barrier and were subjected to even harsher conditions. The sky was soot grey, air stinging and streets framed with half-melted, dirty snow heaps.

"It's not too far ahead- just didn't want to draw attention."

He nodded and shoved his hands into his pockets. Timaeus dawdled as they made their way down the sidewalk, taking in every detail of the surrounding architecture, infrastructure, vehicles, various machines operating, distant churchbells, window displays, lamppost light bulbs, restaurant fumes, and so forth like an awestruck child… Jake didn't have the heart to ask him to hurry it along, but he noticed and sped up once they left the heart of the city, heading through the more mundane industrial and low-income areas.

They stopped at a dilapidated building. The window of the door was boarded up, but the handle was unlocked. Bracing themselves for what was to come, they entered.

Sick and emaciated people crowded the space, huddled together under tattered cloths for warmth. Rusty stoves with ceiling pipes burned trash on opposite walls, and various cracks and crevices were sealed creatively to keep the elements out. A couple folks looked up when they entered, and the guilt was so strong that Jake immediately flung his gifted attire at them. Timaeus followed suit, handing them over in a calmer manner.

An old woman wearing a headwrap and apron approached them, gesturing to the tub of soup in the center of the room with a kind smile.

"We're alright, thanks! Do you happen to know a lady by the name of Roxy?"

She blinked.

"Можем ли да говорим с Роксана?"

"Да, ще й кажа, че сте тук."

"Благодаря ти."

She hobbled around the corner, and then Jake turned to him.

"... That was a mindboggling stunt," he whispered.

"Not really."

"Horsefeathers."

"Told you, it doesn't take any effort... What does, though, is Jesus Time- If you'll excuse me, I wanna get this over with beforehand. Puttin' their miracles on delay to avoid turning heads."

He began making his way through the throngs, touching every ill person in one manner or another from a brief interaction to a subtle brush against their clothing. Jake watched awkwardly, eyes wide.

_ He really just decided to heal them all, huh? Holy jalapeños… _

He was finishing up when Roxy bounded down the rickety stairs. Her hair was styled in a bob, and she wore a long-sleeved sweater dress with thick leggings. Remnants of dark lipstick framed her smile, and she looked lively despite the large bags under her eyes.

"Hiya, pal! What can I do ya for?"

"Howdy! I'm, ah- My name is Jake, and my partner here-"

Timaeus was nowhere to be seen.

"- was… an old friend of yours. We just wanted to stop in and pay you a visit!"

"Ay yi yi, who is it? Tank? Bill? Joany? Listen, if they're callin' for business, the bank's closed. Do you _ see _ how much shit I got on my hands?"

Jake would have been sweating if it wasn't so cold. She continued ranting in exasperated exhaustion, walking away as she turned her attention to various tasks. He gave up trying to follow her nimble maneuvers, just standing in place at a loss until Timaeus placed a hand on his shoulder. He jumped slightly, then exhaled in relief.

"Roxy, hey… Been a while."

She froze, dropping the stack of tin bowls she was cleaning in the sink before slowly turning around.

"... You sonnava sunworm, no fuckin' way are you standin' here right now."

"I don't think anything will convey my contrition or compensate for disappearing, but I'm so goddamn sorry. It… It wasn't intentional; I swear on my di-"

"DIRK, YOU’RE BACK!!!"

_ Dirk? _

She launched herself over a couple homeless people, tacklehugging him.

"YOU'RE BACK, YOU’RE BACK, YOU’RE BAAACK!!! Thought I'd never ever see you again, you absolute clod! What gives?!"

He held her tightly, suspending her in midair and burying his face in her hair. He shut his eyes, going still except for a slight tremble as tears threatened to spill.

"... Why don't we take this somewhere quiet?" she murmured, rubbing his back. He nodded, swallowing hard and setting her down gently. The world around them seemed to become static as they headed upstairs. Jake decided it would be best if he gave them some privacy. He found an unoccupied spot against the wall and attempted to get comfortable, dozing off over time. Eventually, he was nudged awake enough for Timaeus to sling him over his shoulder.

"Shit, how long were we?"

"Uhhhh… 'Bout four hours."

"I can walk," he mumbled, yawning.

"Yep."

"We'll get the gang back together, and… it'll be gay! God, I just can't fuckin' believe you," she laughed, voice still wavery from crying.

"It was beyond stupid. Apparently even my unconscious self is out to sabotage me."

"Hey, at least you finally got it back… but for cryin' out loud, you coulda left a note or _ somethin." _

"I know; I'm sorry."

"Yeah, yeah, you're a big ol' goober… I'm just so glad you hauled your scaley nonass over here. Now we gotta- We gotta party! You're gonna hate this joint," she grinned. Jake managed to escape his hold, wiggling down to land on the creaky floorboards. All of the occupants were now properly dressed for the weather, and Roxy...

"Please don’t take this the wrong way, but you're a real spiffy lady. A downright dazzling dame! A regular bombshell-femme fatale-knockout gal!"

"Thanks; I know," she winked, blowing him a kiss. Her eyeliner and lipstick had been redone and her outfit changed. She wore a swirly, silver wire headpiece encrusted with crystals, elbow-length velvet gloves, fishnet stockings, bowed flats, and a navy blue, sparkling satin dress that was shorter than her knees.

"It's true, and you should say it. Often."

"Mama can clean up good- that's for sure," she giggled, fastening her long, heavy wool coat. "Now, let's get this BREAD!"

Timaeus draped the most recently spawned jacket over Jake’s shoulders and handed him more winterwear.

"Heh, thanks… Where are we off to this fine evening?"

"A lil joint on the downlow where you can get jiggy with it! I'm runnin' late, so we really gotta shake a leg."

"It's a speakeasy. She sings there most nights."

"Wowza! I've always wanted to scope one out but never gathered the nerve…"

"Well, now ya can! It'll knock your socks clear off, guar-an-teed."

Her enthusiasm was contagious as she headed out the door, linking elbows with them.

"Lookit me with two whole gentleman escorts~ I'm still waitin' on that tongue blep."

"I can't partially shift…"

"I know, I'm just salty cuz he's been gettin' all the lovins," she huffed. "Gimme one good movie kiss an' I'll be alright!"

Timaeus tilted his head to smooch her sweetly. She beamed, feigning swooning onto him as they kept walking.

"K, I'm good for another couple centuries."

"That's unfortunate, because I'll be playing catch-up indefinitely."

She cringed as he leaned in to slobber all over her cheek.

"Aw jeez, I ain't asked for this!"

He smirked, pleased with himself as she wiped it off on his sleeve.

"Bleck..."

Jake was content to be on the sidelines of their hijinks, enjoying the tomfoolery vicariously. It felt surreal to have another person in the mix, let alone one who went so far back with… Dirk. _ Was that her nickname for him? He didn't seem to have a preference before… _

"- and then he straight up swapped my junk and gave me these _ killer _ badonkadonks~"

He listened happily as they carried on. Soon, all three were running against the cold, giddy and breathless once they reached the shelter of the pub. A couple of fullbody shivers later, Roxy and Jake had recovered. Their supernatural companion was still warm for the most part. Jake leaned into him while Roxy was occupied with chatting up her band and setting up the mic.

"... Say, which moniker should I use?"

"Hm?"

"Dirk or Timaeus?"

"Oh, uh. Dirk’s just my Eurosona- she coined it. Either's fine; I've taken a metric fuckton of names from different people and cultures."

...

"Come to think of it, I haven't been in the habit of calling you _ anything. _Ah, sorry."

"Honestly, I don't care."

"I suppose I took being the only other islander for granted…"

"That did make it a lot easier, didn't it? Two bros chillin' in an abandoned paradise don't have to bother with that shit."

"Heh, yeah…"

Jake was already looking forward to going back, having been around far more people than he could jive with since the moment they arrived. Roxy was a real charmer, for sure, but being surrounded by all these strangers scared him stupid. He just wanted to spend time with the two of them alone, maybe their other mutual friends too if he wasn't chicken about it.

He stood flush against Timaeus for comfort as everyone chatted and meandered around them. Timaeus looked as out of his element and desperate to leave as Jake felt, but then Roxy took the mic. They tried to focus on the entertainment, relaxing a bit as the audience piped down to listen.

"C'mon, all you Sheiks and Shebas! Get up and put those dogs to work, 'cause it's time to get a wiggle on!!!"

A couple patrons headed to the open center of the room, starting to dance as the swing music started up. Jake glanced at Timaeus, who side-eyed him back.

"... Do you want to?"

"Do you?"

"I asked first," he grinned nervously.

"... Sorry, I- I've two left feet and hate being watched. I couldn't hoof it proper if my life was on the line, heh."

"Thank fuck," he exhaled, shoulders sagging in exaggerated relief. Jake couldn't help but laugh.

"I take it I'm not the only one."

"Dude, I barely know how to walk."

"Maybe we can learn another time, alone so no one can judge," he offered. Timaeus nodded, mirroring his shy smile. They weaved their way past the tables and chairs to watch the scene from the sidelines, leaning against the bar.

Roxy had a cheery singing voice, and she was a natural in the spotlight, seeming to have rehearsed her performances. She had her own moves as well, a number of which involved flirting with the pianist. He was pretty dorky looking, with a bow tie, handlebar mustache, and glasses. He grinned obliviously as she laid on the charm.

"... Holy fuck, that's John."

"John?"

"One of the few people she immortalized that I actually had a conversation with. I had to cure his peanut allergy- the bastard ate, like, a whole container of them before my near-death snakey senses started tingling."

"... Did he not-"

"Had no fuckin' clue; it was his first time."

"Cripes…"

"Shit's ugly. Found him on his kitchen floor wheezin' and purple."

He grimaced, trying not to imagine.

"I'm allergic, too. It was a less than pleasant discovery, but I broke out in hives just being around the stuff. Thankfully, my gran intervened before it could get worse."

"Glad you, uh, didn't die."

"Me too, heh. I'd no idea my life would someday become this grand."

"Still sucks."

"Yeah... They’re probably overrated anyway, though."

He agreed.

"Hey! Either order somethin' or scram," a dapper gentleman on the other side of the counter informed them. The musicians were taking a brief intermission, which allowed his booming voice to reach everyone there.

"S- Sorry, I-"

"It's fine; they're with me!" Roxy chimed in on the microphone. They looked as if they wanted to shrivel away under the crowd's prying eyes.

"Ah fuck, my mistake. Can I get you bums some lube?"

Just like that, the din resumed and they slipped back into obscurity. Jake briefly wondered if he could still get drunk and if it would help his nerves in any way. He doubted it, trying to think of an acceptable response. Suddenly, he couldn't recall a single beverage name. Timaeus went off his silent panic.

"Two ward eights, thanks."

The bartender nodded curtly, turning to make them. Jake raised a brow at Timaeus.

"How'd you know what that is?"

"Comes with the language osmosis, I guess? I've been dyin' to try this fizzy shit."

"Are you sure you can handle it? I've heard it's rather strong."

"Only one way to find out, right? If I can't get fucked up, I might as well get something that doesn't taste like ass."

"That's sound logic."

The drinks were slammed onto the cupholders before them, splashing a bit and making them flinch. Without any fanfare, the guy left to resume serving paying customers. Jake was a bit intimidated but Timaeus unbothered.

"Funfact: Germanic innkeepers had a tendency to slide them at you with full force even if you had your back to them. No refunds or replacements."

"Absolutely boorish!"

"Cultural difference, I guess."

"Yeesh..."

Timaeus sniffed the liquid and took a thoughtful sip, then chugged it. Jake tried his but didn't fancy the burning bubbles, proceeding to nudge it next to the empty glass.

"You sure? It’s actually pretty sweet."

"I think I'll pass, thanks."

He shrugged, helping himself to the second one but pacing himself this time to enjoy the flavor. Over the din of the crowds, the bartender could be heard yelling at other people, which admittedly was a relief to Jake. _ Maybe that's just how he is with everyone. _

** _ [Beginning of the Part Where He Drinks Too Much and Gets Off to It] _ **

Timaeus slowly finished, then leaned back, making an odd expression.

"Everything alright?"

"Yeah, it just. Feels kinda weird. Good weird, but it… tickles?"

He hiccuped unexpectedly, wincing.

"Fuck, was I poisoned? Is this how it ends?"

The flatness of his voice betrayed his sarcasm.

"If so, I regret nothing. It was delicious," he muttered, placing a hand on his stomach gingerly.

"... You're not accustomed to upchucking air pockets, are you?"

"No... Is that what's going on down there? An excess of carbonation that needs to be released in an animalistic manner?"

"Just burp, you big baby! Sheesh…"

"I… don't know how to. My real body doesn't work that way… This has gone completely fucking pear-shaped."

"Alright, ah, let's… find a secluded spot and figure it out?"

He nodded, allowing Jake to help him upright and wrapping his arms around his middle as he walked. There was a well-worn couch and scuffed table in one of the siderooms, along with a polishing cloth and crates full of empty bottles separated by old newspapers. He tried not to groan as he eased himself back on the threadbare cushions.

"I'm a certified dumbass."

"Shush, it'll be fine…" he murmured, smooching his cheek. He placed a palm on his tummy and became concerned about how taut it was. Tentatively, he began to rub in slow, light circles, trying to alleviate the pressure. Timaeus whined slightly, stomach sloshing as another hiccup jerked his body.

"There's… no other way out of it. You're going to have to decapitate me."

"Please try to relax, ok? Ease up on the tension."

He obliged him, sighing as Jake placed a kiss atop his tummy and proceeded to massage the space with intent.

"You're doing great, love. Just a little more."

Jake pressed upwards in repetitive motions until a bubbly rumble slipped through, escaping his throat as a silent, forceful exhale that lasted a good half-minute and ended with a squeak.

"... Better?"

"God, yeah. Sorry for the melodrama."

"Quite alright... Uh, your breath smells citrusy. It’s nice."

"Thanks."

…

** _[Beginning of the Part Where They Boink to Pass Time]_ **

"We don't have to go back right away if you want to take a breather. From all the hubbub, I mean."

"Wouldn't you rather be partying it up?"

"Not really. There's far too much hustle and bustle out there for my liking, if I'm being frank…"

"I'm not about the scene, either. Roxy makes it look so easy to just be herself and thrive in this kind of environment... I mean, I'm glad she likes it; she deserves to have a good time all the time."

"I second that notion.

…

…

…

Wanna boink?"

"Depends. This door have a lock?"

"It does indeed."

"Do you think anyone will need to get in?"

"Highly doubt so."

"Then hell yes."

He climbed into Timaeus's lap, leaning up to taste the remnants of sweet orange soda on his lips. His eyes fluttered closed, and he gripped Jake’s ass as he reciprocated. They eventually parted, hazy and twitterpated.

"Seems like you do like my beverage choice," he chuckled breathily.

"It suits you, heh... Can I use this opportunity to perform some chivalry below the waist? Considering you've got bonafide bits for once."

"Goddamn… That's… really fucking generous. As a gesture of goodwill, I'll make my junk the same flavor."

...

"I… Sounds swell," he managed. _ Jeepers creepers, this guy… _

Jake English had only one prior experience with cunnilingus, and it hadn't gone well, to put it lightly. The lady became so frustrated that she tried to suffocate him with her thighs. His desire to woo Timaeus and achieve a better outcome was either blind optimism or overconfidence, but he was determined to do right by him.

He was delicate and careful, following Timaeus's lead intuitively as he worked him up and open. Then, he closed his lips around the point and sucked, rubbing his tongue against the underside in wide, rhythmic circles while gently fingerfucking his ridges until he was almost canting his hips, legs trembling around him. He built him up twice, ignoring his own needs for the time being.

...

"Wow, I… Holy shit…" he trailed off, panting.

"I hope I didn't screw the pooch too badly. Constructive criticism is welcome for any future recurrences."

"Dude, are you kidding? I feel like royalty, Jesus... If you hadn't offered, I'd be inclined to make more unwise decisions just to relive this, hah."

"That's a relief to hear… Ah, do you mind if I-"

"Fuck me. Please."

"It- it's alright, really! I can handle myself just fine."

"I'm not overstimulated or anything, if that's what you're worried about... Honestly, I could go for at _ least _another round."

Jake continued to kneel there on the floor in dumbfounded shock for a moment, then rose and fumbled to whip his dick out. Timaeus smirked triumphantly, laying down again and spreading his legs.

"... You're not at risk of getting knocked up, are you?"

"Nope. Magic. And you're not capable of doing the knocking anymore, remember?"

"Oh, right. Words cannot express what a relief that is," he laughed, lining himself up before slowly easing in. Timaeus got impatient and wrapped his legs around his waist, pulling him forward. Jake yelped, catching himself with his hands by Timaeus's sides.

"Fuck, _yes_…"

"You- You’re absolutely divine_," _ he shuddered, breath hitching as Timaeus clenched around him experimentally.

He slid back down to the hilt and started building up a rhythm, sighing blissfully. Timaeus moaned in satisfaction as he became more confident, arching his hips to meet his thrusts.

They didn't last long. As usual, Jake followed shortly after him before collapsing balls deep, chest heaving.

"... Thanks for the nut."

"Likewise, heh," he managed, still catching his breath.

They almost fell asleep like that, but the fear of being discovered was too strong. After twenty minutes or so of just laying there, he pulled out, and they tidied themselves as much as possible before sneaking out to find the bathroom and clean up properly.

** _[End]_ **

When they finally returned, the place was almost empty. Roxy sat on the piano as she chatted with John, swinging her legs. Once she noticed them, she grinned mischievously and beckoned them over.

"You two are fuckin' ridiculous."

"He fell ill!"

"It was a pretty dire situation."

"Yeah, yeah. John, Dirk, Jake," she announced, pointing to each as she named them.

"Hiya!" John grinned, extending a hand to Jake first. Jake went to shake it and was immediately zapped. He jumped in surprise, and John cracked up.

"Get BUZZED!"

Timaeus was equal parts perplexed and ready to revoke this prankster's godhood.

"Are you hurt?!"

"N- No, just… startled, eheh…"

John almost looked remorseful, taking the device off to show him.

"It's a prototype I've been testing for my esteemed Danish colleague… Hehe, sorry, I couldn't resist. Nice to meetcha!"

He offered the same hand to Timaeus, who didn't take it but nodded politely. There was an awkward pause before John gasped, looking past Timaeus's ear.

"What the hell is that?"

Timaeus glanced over his shoulder, brushing himself off vigorously.

"No, you didn't- Just let me get it."

He stayed still, and John reached back to withdraw a coin. They stared at it, wide-eyed.

"Holy SHIT. Can I keep it?"

"H… How…"

"Alright, ya had yer fun. It was a slight-of-hand trick- Egghead ain't got any magic powers."

"Why the hell did you immortalize _ him?_ Could've picked a monk or someone equally inclined towards eternal antagonism- No offense," he added to John.

"It's true," he shrugged, unaffected.

"C'mon, don't be like that. He's alright once you get to know 'im."

"Yeah, I'm mediocre and also hilarious! Ask me a knock knock joke."

"Not tryin' to be rude, but there's only so much of this shit I can take at one time."

"Ugh, fiiine… Anyway, where ya from? You look kinda familiar."

"You really don't remember?"

"Can't say I do! But you have one of those pans that make me feel cruddy for some reason… Not that you're _ ugly." _

…

"Great; now I feel like the asshole here… Peanut incident, 1740."

"... Ohh, shoot! _ You're _that juju jobbie?!"

"Yep; no need to thank me."

"Thanks for saving my life, pal!!! I didn't recognize you without the tail."

"Let’s talk a little louder so the people outside can hear."

"Eh, we already got a rep as the loonies."

"You deserve this coin," he declared solemnly, presenting it. Timaeus folded John's fingers closed around it so that he'd get it out of his face.

"I have way too many as is, but thanks."

"Man… I duped GOD! Hehe, I didn't think I was _ that _convincing. Aren't you supposed to know everything and read minds?"

"I'm not- No. Can this conversation please stop being a thing?"

As if on queue, four old, suited men of different sizes walked in, keeping their hats on as they sat at the bar. The shortest one played with his sinewy cane on his lap, and the second shortest one pounded the counter.

"Liquorice me."

The bartender gave him an incredulous look, still drying glasses.

"I JUST put away all that shit. Why in the hell are you gettin' here so late?"

"Had extra stabbin' to do. Now, I ain't gonna ask twice."

"You know the deal. Gimme the dough first."

"I ain't handin' over shit," he snarled, snapping his fingers. The taller man pulled out a shotgun apathetically.

"For fuck's sake, how old are ya, Slick? You drill me, no Scotties. It’s that simple; now quit throwin' a hissyfit and pay up."

…

He reached into his pocket, muttering expletives as he fished out pennies. The gun was put away, and he was tossed a box of candy canines. The tallest man bought a box of cinnamon hearts, looking a bit too enthusiastic about them.

"They're always like this," Roxy laughed under her breath.

"... Should I-"

"Nah, I can handle 'em- I translate for his girlfriend. S' the only reason Johnny hasn't quit."

"I do not want to get stabbed," he stated plainly.

"Slick" whipped his head around, glaring.

"You talkin' to me, Egbert? The fuck are you all gawkin' at? I'll _ give _ ya somethin' to gawk at if you don't wipe those dumb looks off yer faces."

"She's excited fer Saturday. Already got her dress ironed and all that jazz," Roxy smiled. The fire was extinguished immediately, and he seemed almost embarrassed. Flustered, even.

...

"That's nice," he mumbled, turning back to his crew.

"Fuckin' incredible," Timaeus whispered. Roxy looked pretty smug.

"We can skedaddle if you're done blowin'. Uh, but unless yous are down to sleep turnways there's no room at the inn, sorry."

"Don't worry about it. We'll come back tomorrow, or whenever you're free."

"Tomorrow'd be the cat's jammies! Thanks for stoppin' by to pay lil ol' me a visit."

"Anytime, seriously. It was long overdue."

She leaned up to peck him on the cheek, then hugged Jake. John accompanied her for the walk back, and Timaeus opened a portal to leave from the privacy of the sinful storage room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More of the Normal Human Boinking here (to avoid repetitiveness lol):
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/19367224/
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/15081113


	13. Chapter 13

It was nice to be back in the quiet, spacious warmth of the mountain. Jake stripped to his boxers and collapsed in the nearest heap of plush bedding, heaving a content sigh. Timaeus wasted no time in taking off the necklace, sticking it into a newly-created tail pocket for safekeeping.

"Are… you sure you'll be able to find it this time?"

"Yeah. It’s snug in there like a bug in a rug... Plus, I'm not sealing it shut all the way."

"Gotcha."

He stretched and increased his size just for the hell of it, clearly happy to have his real body back. Like a runner warming up, he readjusted his equilibrium before slithering over to the heated pool. He sank down until the water was up to his shoulders, folding his forearms on the smooth stone edge and using them to rest his chin on.

"... Forgot how cramped and stiff it is to be human. Your existence is dire as all hell."

"Thanks."

"No prob… I mean, at least I still had thumbs, but goddamn. Shit felt bad."

"I'm not much a fan of the social aspects, either. I'd suspect you share that mindset."

"Essentially. I don't like feeling vulnerable, and crowds don't help... Granted, I don't _ want _to be the deadliest bastard in the room, but it's just who I am. At least it's easier to scare people off in my true form."

Jake made a contemplative noise, already half-asleep.

"You sure you don't want to wash off the nasties? You’re probably covered in pathogens, too. Not that you can get sick anymore, but, uh, hygiene's good."

"Nnm."

"... Can I do it for you? In the spirit of sweet intimacy."

Jake paused to consider the allure of the warm, running water, the aromatic products at his disposal, the sheer luxury of it all...

"Ffffine… Yer such a neatnick," he yawned. Timaeus only had to stick his tail out a couple yards to lift him in, yoinking his boxers off and setting them atop the dirty laundry pile, which now included the bedding Jake had flopped onto. He brought him under the waterfall and then laid back with him, holding him against his chest as he began to scrub him gently but meticulously. If he went a bit slower at some parts to savor the moment, Jake made it clear that he didn't mind. Sans the occassions when they were in a hurry to bone afterwards, he enjoyed lingering there- just not as excessively as Timaeus. It was nice.

He shivered when Timaeus started using his claws to scritch his scalp and his fingertips to massage the sudsy skin, relaxed in pure bliss. However, he was fated to stay awake. He couldn't help but giggle when Timaeus dragged the sea sponge across ticklish spots like the soles of his feet.

"That- can't be necessary," he snort-laughed, squirming in his hold as he continued.

"Doesn't hurt to be thorough, man. Gotta exfoliate your ass."

"... I really hope you don't mean that in the literal sense."

Timaeus just resumed his humming, the vibrations soothing Jake a bit less now that he had that imagery to contemplate. Thankfully, Timaeus proved in time that he'd only intended to wash his censored areas to a reasonable extent. He was tempted to offer a handjob, but he didn't want to have that floating around, and Jake wasn't exactly up for it, anyway. So, instead, he settled for the carefullest, least sexual cleaning he could manage.

When he finally rinsed the last suds off, Jake was almost reluctant to get out. _Almost._ Timaeus kindly swaddled him in towels and then dried himself off, proceeding to wrap around Jake's bundle in a playful manner. Timaeus smiled softly, curling closer to boop his nose with his tongue. Jake huffed, failing to hide his amusement.

"Mm, fresh dork. Love that aftershower taste."

"Yeah, yeah…"

"Lookit you, all tangled up in my web~ You were such a good boy for me."

"Oh, can it with the ironic kink schtick. It’s fuck o' clock and I wanna sleeeep…"

"Fine," he chucked. Jake nestled closer, pleased.

"Thanks for not probing my rectum," he mumbled.

"That would only be mandatory if you desired booty snackin'."

"Capital."

"... Love you."

"Love you too."


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rough wip concepts- his colors are affected by the environment/lighting etc but he can consciously control them. His default is a blend of blues and oranges.
> 
> (The chain came with the amulet and is embedded in its core, so he doesn't have to worry about it breaking like a normal one would over time.)


	15. Chapter 15

Dawn seeped through the wide, thick strip of window above them, a rude awakening after the night's festivities. Timaeus was responsible for using his height to close the shade each night, but that routine had escaped their combined memories for once.

They'd had the advantage of hitting the hay relatively early thanks to the timezone difference, but that didn't stop Timaeus from groaning and grumbling about the absence of darkness. Jake got a kick out of his theatrics, leaning in to smooch him silent.

"You know, you could remedy that."

"S' too late… My beauty sleep has been effectively cut short."

"My condolences," he chortled, snuggling atop him. Jake’s presence placated him, and he began stroking his back lazily with his leafy tail tip.

"There's no need to up and at 'em just yet. I highly doubt she's expecting us before the sun's even risen there."

"Yeah, I think I'll take the morning off," he murmured, placing a kiss on the top of his head. "Need time to decompress…"

"It sure was a grand excursion. I'm so happy you got to see her again, love."

"Thanks… Dave's next. I don't deserve his forgiveness, but I at least owe him an explanation."

"Don't work yourself up into a tizzy over that. From what I've garnered, he's a stand-up gent and he'll be over the moon just seeing you again."

Timaeus said nothing, but kept petting him with feather-light motions. Jake nestled closer, patting his left tiddy in reassurance.

"Your reunion will be nothing short of peaches and cream. Mark my words!"

"Markin' em."

"Aces... Just- Just try not to overthink it."

"Can't promise I won't. That's the equivalent of telling a bird to stay grounded. Shit's unnatural; he needs to fly off the handle, daily."

Jake snorted, bemused.

"... I will make an attempt not to, though."

"That's plenty for me."

…

"Would you be down to roleplay?"

"... Pardon?"

"Wait, fuck- not in the sexy way. I meant... as him.

…

To simulate potential conversations and prepare my responses."

"Ohhhh. Sure thing!"

"Thank you, seriously."

"... Er, right now?"

"Nah, later's fine. It'd be weird practicing naked in bed."

"I suppose you have a point there."

They fell into comfortable silence for a half hour or so, then got up to face the day. Jake splashed his face with the waterfall and then rifled through his clean garments, applying one of the fruitier deodorant extracts before dressing. Timaeus showered briefly this time, then helped himself to a jasmine one, replenishing the assortment with a grandiose gesture.

"You're a regular wizard."

"Hard to follow majiks when you're the sole source and perpetrator- there are no superstitions to follow, no spells or offerings. Honestly, the notion that the universe will bend to anyone's whims via-"

"Bippity boppity boohoo, it was a _ joke." _

"I knew that."

Jake tickled him mid-stretch, catching him offguard. He made an undignified noise, barely missing him as he flailed and flopped out of the elegant pose he had been holding.

"The fuck?!"

"Sorry, I couldn't resist," he laughed. Timaeus's disapproving glare softened at his grin. Instead of another lecture on the hazards of surprising him, he retaliated by pinning Jake with the thicker part of his tail and resuming his yoga-esque routine. The dead weight prevented him from even moving his arms- a fair punishment and safety measure.

By the time he was done, Jake had given up trying to escape and was just laying there, sullen.

"Naughty nerds go to tail jail. You brought this on yourself."

"Put a sock in it," he muttered. Timaeus finished with one final stretch, extending all the way back until he was curved into a 'C' shape. He contemplated the helpless Jake upside-down, deciding to tickle him before freeing him.

"You ba-ha-hastard!"

"Poetic justice. You're on parole now."

"Thanks much," he huffed, getting up. Timaeus was already heading towards the mirror wall. He retrieved the amulet, hesitating before donning it. The effect was immediate, as expected, and he studied his reflection with disappointment. Jake joined him, tidying his hair with one of the carved shell combs far quicker than his counterpart.

"I shouldn't complain, but it's a major downgrade."

"Playing human sucks eggs for you; that's no secret.

…

If it's any consolation, you're still mighty handsome. Strapping, I'd say. I'd jump at the chance to take you on a real date."

"Dude."

"Just entertain the notion, if you will: me courting you like a proper gentleman, debonair, even! Dressed to the nines and chomping at the bit to give you a rollicking good time. I'd lay down my coat for you to step over puddles, write poetry and recite it outside your window, present you with bouquets of the most vibrant crimson roses... We'd stroll through a park or go to the theater, maybe stop at a fancy cafe. Best of all, I'm sure I could snag a record player and acquire a swing guide _somewhere_."

He waggled his eyebrows at the end for emphasis. Timaeus was clearly flustered by this proposal, but turned away in an attempt to regain composure.

"... Goddamn," he mumbled.

…

"Is that a good goddamn, or-"

"Yeah. I just… Holy shit, you're speaking pure Hollywood."

"You deserve to be swept off your feet!"

"That's gentlemanly as fuck, but I don't think it's physically possible... Besides, there's no need to impress me. I like you just fine without the bells and whistles."

"Wouldn't it be fun to give it a go, though? Just so you could be wooed like the royalty you are."

"... As long as you don't knock yourself out or try to mimic the douchebags in those books. I'm only down if you won't pressure yourself to fit some bs stereotype."

"Ay ay! So what do you say?"

"Sounds like a fuckin' plan."

"... It's all a bit silly, I know. I think if you were an ordinary person I'd've botched our prospects to high heavens faster than you could say "No way, José." Working backwards just for the sake of it is an entirely different beast than the tropes of romance… A brave new world to explore! No molds to fit or expectations to abide by, just two chaps wholeheartedly enjoying each other's company in civilization."

"I hate to be a wet rag, but doesn’t Western society have a thing against same-sex couples?"

"Indeed it does... However, there's nothing odd about fellas getting affectionate with one another in this day and age! They'll think we're best buddies, that's all."

"Incredible."

"... I'm astonished that you've managed to make suspenders sexy."

Timaeus quirked a grin, relaxed again.

"Just don't expect me to take them off, because I'm pretty sure I won't know how to put them back on."

"You don’t- Nevermind, heh. Shall we?"

"Hell yes. We're doing this, man."

"We're making this happen!" he cheered, linking elbows as Timaeus opened the portal.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Another rough draft- I'll remove this once I've edited it!)

The city was rather quiet when they arrived. A lone paperboy wheeled his wagon down the opposite sidewalk to load it up for the day. The streetlamps were still lit, haloing the slow flurry of flakes around them. A bakery was puffing out sweet scents as it restocked before opening, and a scraggly dog was curled up by the vent under its awning, taking advantage of the heat it emitted. When she noticed them drawing near, her posture tensed, and she straightened upright as if she was preparing to bolt.

Timaeus slowed to a stop, squeezing Jake’s hand before releasing it. He took off a glove and knelt nonthreateningly several feet away, slowly extending his bare palm and avoiding looking at her.

"No sudden movements. She seems skittish."

...

"So do you!" he whispered. "Being standoffish isn't going to help."

Jake joined him before he could come up with a witty retort, mirroring his position. He cooed and made ridiculous cutesy noises but still managed to speak in a soft, calm voice.

"Such a pretty, pretty angel... Who's a little darling? Yes, you are! That's a good girl. C'mere, sweetpea! You can do it, just a liiiiiiittle closer…"

They waited as Jake continued to coax her patiently. Her stance of high alertness relaxed into friendly curiosity as she approached them to sniff their hands, wagging her tail.

"Forgot you were a furry. I'm unironically impressed."

"I was taught by the best… Is she sick?"

Timaeus pet her cautiously.

"... Not anymore. She looks malnourished, though.

…

Her name is the city of Pawnee, Indiana, and I'm taking her home."

"How'd you even come up with that?!"

"You wouldn't understand."

"Right, well… as the co-father, I demand to shorten it to Paw."

"... Fair, but don't expect me to. Shit's disrespectful."

Timaeus lulled her to unconsciousness, then scooped her up before anyone would notice.

"Is she-"

"She's resting."

They left the way they came, and he cleaned her diligently before setting her down in the blanket pile, pulling her tongue out a bit to administer a dose of sustenance before returning. The temperature shock was no less unpleasant for Jake the second time.

"I'll immortalize her once she's back to peak health. No point in relieving her of hunger and then trying to build her strength up."

"A capital decision, which comes as a relief as I have no business taking care of any living being!"

"You know, me neither, but it's a force of habit- it's easier when they lack basic needs and don't take dumps... I adopted horse offerings for centuries and let them just noodle around wherever they pleased. They all fucked off sooner or later to be independent equines, though. It sucked donkey balls."

"... I can't imagine the heartache," he muttered candidly.

"They're the reason I have abandonment issues, but I still yearn for a tender reunion someday. Think they'd remember me?"

"May the stars align in your favor."

"Thanks, but at the risk of being even more insufferable, that's not a thing."

"Shhhh. Sh shh. Just enjoy this frigid morning with me…"

"As you wish~"

Jake bumped into him playfully as he swung their hands, grinning through chattering teeth. The brightening red-orange sun rose as they strolled around in peaceful silence, gradually melting the blue-greys into pale yellow and cotton candy, then lilac and periwinkle. Timaeus huffed out a small cloud just to see it illuminated in the rays of light peeking through the buildings and trees. The city was beginning to come back to life by the time they arrived at Roxy’s shelter.

"... It’s still early. Don’t wanna wake her or interrupt the morning routine- they probably haven't even had breakfast yet."

"Oh, yeah. I forgot that was a thing…"

They opted to continue walking, occasionally blowing more puffs of steam deliberately or by laughing. Jake spotted an ice puddle on the side of the road, frost-etched and tainted with iridescent oil. He separated briefly to study it and then shatter its reflection into an even more brilliant display, taking childish glee in the sight. Timaeus just watched, bemused.

The slums shifted to empty factories and the likes the further they went, and Timaeus paused to snoop as often as possible. He snuck into the first unlocked one they found, uncharacteristically excited. The rusty double doors swung open with a clatter, dragging along the ground.

"Curiosity is a pussy slayer, but I'm takin' every chance I get to satisfy it. This is a straight up _ buffet _of education via experimentation."

"What are we, a pair of rapscallion hoodlums? I don't want any run-ins with the heat! I- It might be occupied!"

He hurried in after him anyways. The room was gihungous, drafty, dark, and thankfully unoccupied sans the plethora of inactive machinery. Floor to ceiling windows let in enough light for them to see. Timaeus glanced back with a wry grin as he shut the doors and bolted the beam behind them.

"It'll be fine... I'll handle any confrontations."

"Don’t eat them! … Please. Please don’t."

Timaeus snorted, rolling his sleeves to his elbows and turning his attention to the apparatuses before them. Jake picked up his discarded coat with a frown.

"And just what's tickled your funny bone about _ that?! _We're the ones in the wrong; I know you have a strong moral compass-slash-guilt complex!

Besides... We couldn't very well carry on with the day's plans after such a turn in events."

"... I was going to say I'd just render them all unconscious."

...

"Oh. You can do that?"

"No, I'm just lurking around this urban facility because I have the munchies. Jesus, dude…"

With a loud metal clang, he hopped onto the side of a contraption to investigate its mechanisms, beginning to open panels and fiddle around with their components.

"I distinctly remember telling you, like, eight months ago that vore is the last resort. You really think that's my go-to solution?"

"Er… s'pose not. Sorry."

"It's chill. My pride took a crotch-kick, but it's nothing time won't heal."

"Christ almighty…"

He swung over a bar that he had climbed and wrapped his legs around it like he would his tail, messing with the top of an adjacent motor upside down.

"Just pullin' your strings... But yeah, I'm still being hypocritical as hell. Yet another thing my dumbass neglected to tell you- I can't make people drop dead or come back to life- only heal their ailments, knock them out like the city of Pawnee, Indiana, or deify them while they're still alive. All it requires is contact."

…

"Then why didn't… With the intruders…"

"Trust me, they deserved it and would have continued to spread their shittiness. I'm not heartless enough to make them experience it consciously, though. Which was pretty goddamn magnanimous of me, because I have an appetite for wiggly meals."

"... Ah. That is quite courteous, and I guess justified."

"Damn straight it is… I'd also feel bad if the other party wasn't into it. Kills the mood; leaves a bad aftertaste."

"You're a big softie deep down."

"Not really; I just can't get off to sadism."

Jake laughed bemusedly, continuing to watch him dick around with the gears and doohickeys on subsequent machines. He didn't trust himself to, fearing that he'd somehow upturn the entire building.

He must have scoured every object there in the name of hands-on learning. Cogs were spun, switches flipped, electricity sparked, engines sputtered to life, and each operation demonstrated and observed in full detail.

"Mm, fossil fuels _ are _useful... Sucks that they'll fuck over the planet, but the public is uninformed. I sure as hell don't have any viable alternatives ready for implementation- no useful advancements courtesy of my caveman lab. That's just how it is when you're both your own energy source and a depressed sack of shit... Though, some variety of mills might help."

"Pardon?"

"Don't worry about it; I'm just despairing over the future. Ain't this place an engineer's candy store?"

"... It is rather fascinating. I can’t fathom how folks got such notions into their noggins, let alone brought them to fruition! As a layman, I haven't the slightest clue what even goes into manufacturing something as simple as a can…"

"I theorize that we'll someday have the world's collective public knowledge at our fingertips, so you can learn about all of that shit."

_ "Pardon?" _

"More spoilers that I haven't quite grasped myself. There's a lot of innovations ahead, and I'm honestly psyched for that much."

He hoisted himself up to shut off the final engine, swiftly and adeptly dodging the lethal moving parts. Jake sighed in relief once he was ready to leave, having been more than a bit on edge during such moments.

"Thanks kindly for not dying."

"Don't sweat it; I had the situation under locks."

...

"- said he saw smoke, but he's been slurpin' his special bathwater… Oy, what's this hogwash?

"Coulda sworn I left it unlocked for the pick up..."

They jolted in alarm, and Timaeus dropped the rag he was using to wipe the oil and grease off his hands. He pulled Jake down behind the nearest contraption, managing to teleport them with a vent-sized portal while the men grumbled and fumbled to get the door open.

They climbed through and landed in a pile of junk that smelt of shoeshine and rubber cement. Jake tried to stand, but his head collided with clothes. Their hangers clattered upon impact, further distressing and disorienting him.

"Roxy’s closet."

"How quaint and fitting for a pair of bumbling oafs."

Timaeus knocked on the door politely as Jake adjusted to the darkness. The gap below it illuminated it faintly- not enough for Jake to see proper, but Timaeus didn't even need it.

There was no response, but then footsteps could be heard coming up the steps. Roxy yawned, dragging her feet the rest of the way. The mattress springs rivaled the floorboards' creaks as she flopped onto it with a deep sigh.

Timaeus hesitated before knocking again. There was silence, then an apathetic "Dirk?"

"Hey."

"For fuck's sake… C'min, I guess."

He twisted the handle, and they promptly tumbled out. She grinned tiredly, propping her head up with an elbow as she lay on her side.

"Sorry; we- Well, _ I-" _

"Don't got two hoots to give. You're where you should be, so consider gettin' in on this mad cozy snugglefest~"

"That sounds absolutely heavenly. It's my opinion that the elements are unpleasant at best here this time of year."

"Correctamundo, comprade; them's the facts-" She grimaced at Timaeus, looking him over as he stood and started dusting himself off. "Whoah-whoah-wait. You ain't dirtyin' my humble abode with soot and whatever the fuck else…"

He departedly silently to wash up at his waterfall before returning, towel wrapped around his waist and additional pillows and blankets in his arms.

"... Heh. Nipplerections."

"Nature's thermometer. Still not cold enough to be bothered, though."

Enough time had passed while he was gone for them to have a slumber party of sorts. Roxy had lent Jake one of her nightgowns, and they'd huddled up in the twin-sized bed for warmth.

He dropped the heap of softness atop their quilts and knelt awkwardly next to them. She reached up in slow motion to poke one of his nips, making a button sound effect. He didn't react aside from spawning his own gown as soon as she withdrew, then glancing down at it in distaste.

"I look like Ebeneezer in drag."

"So you _ did _take a gander at the Dickens anthology!"

"Surprisingly, it wasn't shit... The underlying messages about society and ethics were worth several reads."

"I knew it!!! I knew my bookmark kept relocating!"

"Shoulda named you Dork," she laughed. Timaeus just continued to half-stand there, since the bed was nowhere near large enough to accommodate them all.

"... Wait, couldn't we've come with you? It’s much more spacious there, and warmer- no offense."

"... I mean, yeah, we could. Do you wanna visit our crib?"

"Course I do! Just gotta wait 'til Johnny boy and Janeycakes show up to take over. Ya girl got TEN WHOLE DAYS OFF thanks to the magic of subs!"

"Hell fucking yes."

"I shoulda asked 'em years ago so I coulda gotten a freakin' break; I didn't realize they were _ that _bored with eternity...

...

Actually, you know what? Fuck waitin'; there's nothin' to even do right now."

"You sure they won't need you?"

She pulled out a rugsack from under the bedframe, which was already packed.

"Nahhh. I'll pop back later justa check in and say hi, but I ain't wastin' precious vacation hours sittin' around in this draft shack when we could be havin' ourselves an ADVENTURE! Tally ho, beyotches!!!"

"That's the spirit!"

Timaeus failed to hide a smile as he opened the portal, leading them through. With a flash, colorful lantern orbs lit up everywhere the sunlight couldn't reach. Roxy looked around excitedly at the hoards, intricate carvings, and tall, dome ceiling of the entrance room in awe.

"You don’t know anyone good at dogs, do you?"

"Yeah, why? You got another?"

"... Impulsively."

"We saw her on the way here."

"Hey, I ain't judgin'. If Nep hadn't come along to take over I'd still be fuck-deep in meowcats... It’s whurpy to make pups of all critters fend for themselves- they can't 'cause we devolved 'em, and it's too freakin' cold anyways..."

"To be fair, they're also pretty damn cute."

"Dogs are berries! Cats, too."

"A-fuckin'-men."

"Better than humans."

"... I'd be inclined to agree."

…

"Ok, I mean, yeah. I _ like _ people, and even I can admit we suck eggs."

"You're a kindred soul. It’s no wonder you two jive so well!"

"No; she just has a high bs threshold. She's a better person than I'll ever be- we have nothing in common."

"Cut it out, ya goober. You’re a hella fine humanoid, and we share lotsa stuff! Like, we... fuckin' uhhhhh… we're _ both _ deeply flawed individuals who give a shit about beans that're hurtin' and the future of the planet- that we also share... Listen, differences balance out, or somethin'. You’re the beebo's kneepoles, D-man, and that's all that really needs to be said about the matter so clammit."

"Subjective, but ok," he shrugged, proceeding to toss the bedding back in the pile and then eagerly pull his necklace off. "Anyway, we're down for just about anything you want to do these next two weeks- make yourself at home."

"Oh, I will~"

The possibilities were vast, if not endless. For starters, she could have taken a tour of the place, gotten him to heat up the falls like a hot tub, begun to explore the many sights of the island, hit the beach, went for a hike… but she opted to first tug Timaeus over to the sleepy pup and initiate a cuddlefest. He was more than happy to oblige her, curling his tail around the three of them as they got cozy under the blankets.

"I'm namin' her Scruffy Fluffkins."

"Too late; she's the city of Pawnee, Indiana."

"You suck at names."

"Again, subjective. Would you prefer "Lil Dogg" with two G's, or should I get more creative?"

"Nooooo."

"If we're reopening this can of worms, perhaps… Perhaps Barktha."

Roxy snorted.

"I made an executive decision, so there's no platform for public commentary."

"Yeah, yeah, ok... Pawnee has a kinda cute ring to it."

"I knew you'd come around."

"We're at the mercy of a dogtaggin' dictator," she lamented, draping across him melodramatically. "No dissent allowed.

… Man, speakin' of which, I wish you coulda been there to vore Chris Columbus and save that godforsaken country. I know you didn't know; like, I didn't either 'til after the fact and I was relatively in the loop. Be awesome if we had those personal phone thingies already, but anyhoo… a lotta places got wrecked like that. Slavery's race-based now and s'posedly ended but really it's just been institutionalized. Also, indigenous peoples all over are bein' killed off and worse. Issa huge, sticky mess, but I know you can handle it and we'll be behind your fine behind a hundred percent."

"... The last time I tried to get political, bad things happened. So did just about every other time.

…

I want to fix the whole damn world, but… it always goes pear-shaped. I lack and overcompensate in all the wrong areas."

"You've straightened shit out before with no probs. I wouldn't sell yourself short; just… just start small, methinks, and don't jump to all-or-nothing like that."

"The most miniscule interpersonal nuance is inextinguishable hellfire. In my experience."

"You don’t gotta do it alone. If you want, we can just tell ya who to go after?"

"I trust your judgment over my own."

"Them's some strong words…"

"I mean, hell, I'd even trust _John's _over my own... but you're the most qualified leader I've ever known- if anyone should be allowed to play God, it's you."

"Jeez Louise, man... That's so sweet, but nommin's _ your _ thing, not mine!"

"Fair enough. You deserve way sicker powers, anyway."

"Your majiks are hella sick and good for way more than offin' people, though… _ Way, _way more. Hell, we prolly scratched that surface with a needle-thin kitty claw."

"Yeah, probably," he agreed, looking at Jake. "I have a metric shit-ton of 'em, but I rarely find suitable scenarios for the majority, so she got used to me pulling miracles out of my sparkly ass at random... If I think of more quirks that are both comprehensible and relevant, I'll try to explain them beforehand so you won't be in for as many mindblowing surprises."

"That's much appreciated."

"What do ya know so far? I can catch ya upta speed."

"Ah, well there's the healing, the shifting..." he trailed off, tapping his fingers as if counting. "- and then the double-shifting and general shapeshifting... molecule manipulation, energy transfers... Er, and internals that can plum obliterate matter from existence if he so chooses... and teleportation and wardrobe-ifying and language adaptation-slash-foresight... and pseudo-deification and... inverting consciousness? And whatever means of reality-modification by which he makes this place so charming... Am I missing anything or butchering the terminology?"

"... I thought I was over the hilarity factor of "deification," but then you had to go and use it again. That's all I can remember mentioning, sans space eggs... I'm surprised that one didn't stick, considering-"

He made suggestive gestures before Jake could interject.

"I was trying to be gentlemanly! There's a _ lady _present."

"It's chill," she laughed, continuing to give the city of Pawnee, Indiana ear scritches. "I know alllllll 'bout that clusterfuck of a tussy labyrinth. For a super-ultra-mega-reserved guy, he sure can overshare."

"I use discretion… Anyway, uh, add "highly conditional telekinesis" to the list."

"Ooh, and duplicity!"

"Duplicity?"

"Self-cloning. Isn't as cool as it sounds- only one of me can use a given power at a time and only one has the amulet, but it's useful when I need to be at multiple locations simultaneously... That being said, the longer my splinters exist, the more prone they are to deviating, which is... not fun for anyone involved, so I try to avoid unnecessary utilization and rein them in once the deeds are done..."

"Yeah, the main one he spawns turned into a boob who liked jankin' us around and pretending to be the OG, but he stopped after we staged a therapeutic intervention of sorts. He ended up takin' a new ID and name and everything since he evolved into a different person."

"We established an almost fraternal bond and I can trust him now, but we tend to antagonize each other out of sheer self-loathing when times are bad, hence not letting him hang around during the amulet ordeal just to have a conversational partner... He would've been pissed if he knew, and I wouldn't've blamed him."

Jake was unsure how to process that information, so he just nodded along.

"... He's real fun at parties. Funny _and _frisky, hehe... While I love our most cherished and irreplacable Dirkadirk, the Halster is a whole 'nother dude. He digs all genders and doesn't get the social anxieties, so we go crazy stupid together."

"Golly... He sounds like quite the fellow."

"Yeah," she sighed nostalgically. "I miss 'im..."

"Don't worry; I'll bring him out again once shit's sorted."

"Really?! That'd be friggin' SWEET!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

He smirked, patting her back.

"... If there's a second list for aspects I can't control, it includes actual life and death, people, and time? Those are the biggest ones, but feel free to add emotional stability, existential dread, team-building, social functioning, basic competency-"

"Oh my godddd, shaddup. You’re an angel, and I swear on David's cocktail weenie I ain't lettin' you keep rawin' yourself for eternity."

"Shadding up, but no and not happening."

"Hrghhhhh…"

She buried her face in his shoulder, muffling her exasperation. He booped the top of her head with his beak of a nose and proceeded to snort and sniff her hair, then mouthed it. She giggled.

"Mm… That's some fineass hay."

"Gosh, you really are allergic to compliments," he laughed.

"Neigh. Fuckin' try me, English."

"Alright, ah…

...

...

...

\- I've got it!"

He propped himself up on his elbows, attempting to look as suave and theatrical as possible whilst wearing a granny gown.

"Ahem: _ Your eyes are a sea of fire, alighting me with a sweet siren song. Through all my travels I was nothing more than world-weary, and the flames purify my ragged soul with a warmth I'd never known. Your waves welcome me as I drown in your love, for the land is a drought-stricken, frozen expanse and here I am safe. You turn me to ash in your embrace, free me to become the wind that intertwines-" _

"Smooth as hell, but you lowkey plagiarized my Shakespearean satire."

"What?! How? I haven't even finished!"

"First stanza- just substitute ocean for sea."

...

"Shoot, that does ring a bell… Hrmm.

… You care a lot about being kind and try hard to do your best."

"Ok, that's it. See what you've done? Now I have to eat your toes or some shit."

"Ahahaha!"

"Nutzo..."

"Rest in fuckin' pieces, Jakearoo... He's so presh when he's flustered; lookit that lil blue glow blush~"

"You're not off the hook, either."

"Worth it," she smirked, turning to wave her foot in his face. He recoiled immediately with a grimace, swatting her leg away.

"Ew, no. I was trying to be ironic, or something- my sixty-nine fetishes don't include feet."

"That's what I fuckin' thought!"

"Thank the Blarney," he sighed in relief.

"... Just FYI, there are four baths on the top two floors alone. Fancy soaps, rocks, soaprocks, sponges, and all that shit, too. Do you want me to wash those puppies like Jesus? Because I will."

"He doesn’t like having anything remotely dirty in his lair. Mark my words- as soon as he thinks we're not looking, he'll clean all of the bedding and floors we've contaminated."

"Goddamn, I could use that kinda maid energy. The hobos keep me on my toes- and not in a kinky way."

"I didn't ask for this exposure, but I can't say I don't deserve it... I know you have great hygiene, Rox; it’s just a nasty world out there."

"Naw, I gotchu… A soak sounds nice; I can wash my own-ass feet, though."

"Fair. Uh, we'll give you some privacy to enjoy the master falls."

"... Wait, you want me to shower, like, right now?" He started to speak, but she talked over him._ "C'mon, _I just got here... M' probably gonna get way dirtier by nighttime and also not in a kinky way."

…

"I'm washing my hands of this. Backing the fuck off and letting you soil my linens, since it's your holiday."

"Aw, shucks. Such an honor~"

"Still scrubbing the hell out of them once you leave the room."

"I really don't give two hoots, s'long as I don't gotta get off my kaboose… Sorry; I'm mad hyped about gettin' into shenanigans. I'm just _ beat," _ she sighed.

"Sleep. It’s fine."

He guided her back down to his right tiddy pillow, then dragged Jake over when he hesitated to join. He stroked both of their hair simultaneously, petting the dog with his tail tip.

"That's a real talent," he mumbled, closing his eyes.

"My record is seventeen."

"Hm?"

He slapped his tail for emphasis, quietly to avoid startling her.

"This bad boy can pet seventeen average-sized dogs at once."

"Really?!"

"Or forty-three small ones."

"... Holy cripes."

"Roughly equivalates to six-point-five horsies!"

"We conducted some pretty serious experiments in the name of science... Never got to cats because they wouldn't stay still, but using Mathematics we guesstimated about fifty."

"S'true; I double-crunched the numbers." 

"... But how'd you remember for so long?"

"Figures this impressive are hard to forget."

"Ditto, 'specially once you add kitties to the mix."

Jake nodded thoughtfully.

"I remember _every. single. one_ I ever did have the pleasure of pettin'."

His eyes widened, and he stopped stroking his nonexistent beard. 

"I'm not sure I could remember _anything _as long as you have- I can't even recall a single face from yesterday, sans John and that nice lady! I fear if I ran into those mobsters in street clothes, I'd be none the wiser... and it’s a real problem when folks expect you to recognize them, let alone slap monikers to them right off the bat..." 

"Might be the way your brain's wired. I've known other people with those issues, and they did just fine improvising and adapting over time."

"No, yeah, it's def a thing."

"When in doubt, I think using a blanket statement about memory would smooth it over and avoid both insult and injury... Then again, my social ineptitude is rank." 

"Nah, that's a good idea! And you best believe you'll be meetin' lots more nice peeps after our homeymoon~" 


	17. Chapter 17

Once their affection quota was reached, they decided to change from their granny gowns and begin showing Roxy around. 

"I'd be lying if I said that thing wasn't comfy as fuck."

"You looked so bootiful~"

"I looked ridiculous."

"Tssh, as if you'd have ANY fashion sense without yoinkin' other people's rags."

"You got me there," he shrugged, leading them down the main tunnel.

"But! I ain't judgin' the rare occasion you choose not to be a nakey snakey. If you like airing your junk in nightgowns, more power to ya."

"Thanks, really."

"... I think they're rather nice."

"Because you can work basically anything?"

"Good gravy, I wouldn't say that! It’s just fun to liberate one's legs every now and again." 

"Yeah, can't relate," he smirked.

"Bluh. Jakey an' I'll just havta play dress-up without ya." 

"I'll appreciate your unparalleled prestige."

"Dealio... So, which mysterious trove shall we 'splore first?"

"Depends- how much do you want to see? Because I have a couple dozen rooms spread out along these six miles of tunnelage." 

_ "..._ _Six miles?" _she squeaked.

"You heard correctly. Could make days out of it."

"Shit, son... Uhhhhh, how 'bout show me your favorites?" 

"... Won’t narrow the scope by much, but sure. Feel free to stop at any point if you see something interesting or want a break."

"Aye, aye!"

As it turned out, he had only one stash of weaponry and armor, next to a large workshop with tools scattered haphazardly and a connected room full to the brim with various salvaged materials and scrap metal. There were several rooms set aside for archival purposes, and several more which were stocked with art, each with their own inner corridors to simplify navigation. Jake recognized a few iconic pieces, and Timaeus admitted that most of the items were molecular duplicates and restorations because he felt bad about hoarding the originals, but that only made his guests more impressed. Roxy got a kick out of the stack of [medieval cats that looked nothing like cats,](https://www.reddit.com/r/MedievalCats/) and there were plenty of elegant pieces from different eras and regions as well, the vibrancy of pigments better preserved than those in museums. The media came in many more unexpected forms, from a broken vase fixed with gold leaf to rainbow blown glass to shaped gourds to carved shells to unfathomably intricate assemblies of trinkets and so forth. A Mandarin tapestry adorned the wall above one of the carved out bookshelves, depicting four colorful panels of the same tree and creek scene in different seasons. 

"Oh my god, lookit that lil dude hidin' out in the border!" 

"Gadzooks! I daresay he's a winged squid man..." 

"It's a bat. You have to view it turnways." 

"But what if it's not?" she grinned. Jake hoped it was just a bat, but he didn't want to put a damper on her excitement.

"Regrettably, I can't ask the weaver."

"Eh. Sometimes not knowin' is more fun." 

Timaeus dusted a bit as they scoped out everything else, opening the windows to improve the air quality. He seemed to take great pride in maintaining his collections, yet he was fine with people going through them. _Perhaps it has something to do with how intact they've been kept? An ordinary millenia-old paper likely would've crumbled at first touch, yet everything is so durable... _

"... Is this Persian?" 

"The ceiling rug? Yeah." 

"How the fuck did you- I mean, 'course you can reach that high, but how'dja get it to stick?"

"Magic? Magic glue? A shitload of normal glue? Honestly, it was so long ago…" 

She and Jake giggled, and then she resumed rifling through the papyrus hieroglyphics section. Jake idly inspected one of the ornamental shields mounted on the adjacent wall. 

_ There most definitely is magic involved. Hell, even if we broke something the chap could just piece it back together! _

"Ooh, wait, that reminds me! I wanna see your apothecary or wherever the flip you make those potions and oils and all that jazz." 

"Sure. Uh, just lower your expectations, because I haven't bothered restocking ingredients in over two hundred years…"

"He does a quick zippity zoop to replenish any near-empty vials, thus saving time and effort." 

"Sounds like a sweet hack. He usta do that when our water ran low." 

"Refused to make booze, to everyone's disappointment except hers."

...

"Soberin' up was a hoe and a half, but he helped me stay on track so I could handle never bein' able to get drunk again…" 

Timaeus patted her shoulder with his tail tip from around the bend. 

"In case it wasn't painfully fuckin' obvious, she's a badass." 

"I've concluded as much. Bravo, madame!"

"Ehh, I'm a p regular-ass normalson. Y'all are sellin' yourselves short; if I'm the cat's toe beans, then you're the duck's bow tie and the snake's snootle, respectively. Snake snoots are adorbs, btw. Wanna boop 'em all."

"That's fair... But you're both amazing human beings who give me 0.27% more hope for the future, which is an improvement from zero." 

"D'awwwh. C'mere, you!"

He placed the tiny gemstone bird he was holding back in its case with the others before getting tackled again. She nuzzled the crook of his neck once he hoisted her up. 

"Is this the part where I add my two cents? Although I've known Ms. Lalonde for a mere twenty-four hours, it's clear that you're equally admirable, top-notch folks." 

"Get in on this hug train, you absolute cutie."

He complied happily and was lifted in his opposite arm. Timaeus wound down the hall to the essence-bottling room, carrying them with ease.

"It's nice to not be alone anymore," he mumbled to no one in particular. "You're downright lovely companions." 

They leaned in to smooch Jake simultaneously, Roxy on the cheek and Dirk the top of his head. All three laughed in their own ways at the timing. 

"Heheh… Gosh, do you know how to make a fella feel cherished." 

"Just you fuckin' wait, buster! I told ya, you're gonna have more friends than you can even keep track of!" 

"I've no choice but to believe you. I'm sure it'll be a fantabulous time, though the likelihood of me screwing the pooch in one manner or another is nigh inevitable. I'm just bungs at forging and keeping bonds…" 

"I'd say you're doing better than me, and apparently people still want me around."

"Damn RIGHT they do. Everyone misses ya, and the ones who ain't metcha yet are dyin' to… One step at a time, an' you boys'll do just fine."

"Your optimism is almost contagious... Choo choo, motherfuckers, this stop to behold my wares." 

"Oh frick yeah!"

She wiggled out of his hold and hopped down before he could place her on the ground like Jake. She glanced around as he opened a window and tried to be subtle about collecting the various decayed plant matter.

"... Damn, you weren't kiddin'. This bitch empty." 

"Yeet," he deadpanned, yeeting a heap of ash and sticks over the side of the mountain.

"Do you have a single wastebin in this place? Thinka the environment!" 

"It's organic." 

"On the rare occasion that we have trash, he usually just absorbs it like a cell with bacterium." 

"As wise men do." 

"Look at this artisanal shit. Pistol and mortar, whimsical miniature falls, oil press, bottled salts and shit, fifty empty containers. Are you not aroused?"

"Mm, bb, you know I love those science majiks~"

"Good. I won't blame you if you can't keep it in your pants once you see the lab. It’s not as aesthetically pleasing in the minimalist-"

"You gotta lab?! Shiiiiiit. I don't remember hearin' 'bout that! My dick is OUT."

"If it's any consolation, this is my first time seeing it as well." 

"Then where's _ your _ science boner?" 

"Rest assured that it is scarcely obscured." 

"Atta lad!"

"There's another secret entrance just waiting to be walked through," he commented, directing their attention to a doorway in the back. She hurried ahead, careful not to bump into anything.

"... Uhh, what're we lookin' at, exactly?"

Timaeus activated the lights and crude devices with his energy, pointing at the first one. 

"I call this my miniscule viewer. High-powered lenses and thin glass panels to study specimens with." 

"A microscope?! Out of _ rubbish?!" _

"Hey, rubbish is a strong word. But microscopes got patented without me, so I improvised through sheer speculation. Guessin' it's worthy of the title of bootleg?"

"Hell yeah it is!" 

"- And this is my junior chemistry set, complete with burners and sandmade test tubes. Didn't realize just how many hazardous materials I collected until I finally had a use for 'em." 

"So. Freakin'. Coooool."

"What sorts of experiments might one conduct here?" 

"Pretty simple ones, the kind they'd show you in school. I just like to dick around and contain the occasional explosion for shits and giggles… accidentally. But I've been trying to teach myself the basics- it helps having nonflammable surroundings."

"Damn, that sounds like fun," she snorted. "Totes wanna hijack it for shenanigans." 

"By all means... Aside from the rest of these mad scientist knockoffs, I keep notes on my "findings" and what I've already fucked up in the hopes of learning something from them." 

He gestured to the walls, and they suddenly noticed the plethora of small Greek engravings scrawled across them like a chalkboard.

"No journals to peer-review?" 

"Sadly, no."

"How come?" 

"Books fragile, paper scarce. Claws strong."

"Ah. That makes sense." 

"Can't really go wrong with rock." 

"You weren't kiddin' 'bout bein' an actual caveman… But, like, in a classy way. You're the most exquisite cryptid, with a hella fine lair of luxury to match." 

"Thanks."

"... Oh, oh! We've got to show her your rock formations." 

"If you insist."

"I do."

"You have a rock collection? Fuckin' love rock collections; lemme at it!"

"Yeah; my hoard is near the entrance. This is an entirely different thing, though." 

He brought them to his creation room, picking up the nearest pile of meticulously carved rocks.

"Ready to be mindblown?"

"I'm dyin' for a good brain succ."

The rocks began to glow, then levitate and assemble into pre-arranged formations. They channelled his energy like a machine, making it move as a single, animate object.

"Yooo!!! It’s _ ALIVE!" _

"Temporarily, but not sentient. I call them rockbots."

He traced one of the patterns on its back with an illuminated claw before setting it down. It rolled across the floor slowly and turned on ninety degree angles whenever it reached a wall, sucking dust and pebbles into its jar as it progressed. 

"It may be cute, but it has a functional purpose." 

"Imma call him Rocky," she gushed. "M' so prouda his papa." 

"They're easy to make if you ever want to try- you'd come up with way better designs." 

She stared him down with a raised brow and bemused smirk until he caught on and backtracked.

"... You'd come up with sick designs, and I'd refrain from comparing my own as an assbackwards attempt at a compliment because worth is subjective and clowning on myself makes the people who somehow enjoy my presence feel bad."

"That's what I'm talkin' about; thank you."

"You've done it, Roxy," he whispered in awe. "You've found a way to subdue his self-deprecation."

"He's just been alone with his thoughts for too long; he'll bounce back." 

"She's my unlicensed therapist."

"Do you perchance know where a fella could find one of those? I think I could benefit from a slap to the noggin every now and again..."

She smiled, patting his head.

"Dr. Ro-lal shall lovingly noggin-slap you in thee most unprofessional of ways when you least expect or want it."

"That's much appreciated."


	18. Chapter 18

([A quick PSA](https://youtu.be/rn1FSPKKxj4) in the form of shitart.)


	19. Chapter 19

(Apologies for the hiatus, but there's a lot more chapters in the works simultaneously. 😅 [Here's a fantabulous solicited masterpiece](https://akgerhardt.tumblr.com/post/190557247488/hello-good-sir-would-you-spare-some-talent-for) and [a surprise micro/macro nsfw giftart!](https://chiriils-kinkart.tumblr.com/post/188008528163/naga-dirk-for-pocketsizedvoid-s-premium-dj-fic))


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shitart garnished with emojis because I can barely draw humanoids, let alone backgrounds. If/when I understand the arts I wanna redo this, but in the meantime I promise there's an update coming soon. Thank y'all for stickin' around. 💚
> 
> As always, if there's anything you want to see with future chapters feel free to drop a comment!

( + pre-orange glitter massacre and negative just for funsies, since he can mod his bod and i'm indecisive)


	21. Chapter 21

"This. This is my greatest treasure." 

"It took hours to copy." 

"Hot DAMN! Whatta majestic setta hoofbeasts... RIP to the ellie, though," she frowned. 

"Still tryin' to put an end to that shit. If you think of any permanent solutions to implement, do share." 

"Complete socio-political upheaval an' the reinvention of what it means to live as a sentient bean! Coexistence, ethics, all that jazz. We're gonna shake it up good! It's time for some motherfreakin' ANARCHY!"

Jake startled at that, eyes widening. Neither skipped a beat.

"And what tasks would you assign me in this revolution, provided I have a role?"

She fixed him with a somber stare, unblinking.

"The economy."

"Yeah? You think I have the appropriate credentials?"

"Mhm. You’re gonna nom it, obv."

"Sweet. I've been dyin' to dine on some abstract social constructs." 

"Trust me, I got it allllll figured out. Just you wait!"

...

"Ok, maybe I don't. But I gotta 'nough ideas to make _ somethin' _ better."

"More than I can say these days. Though, I'd argue it's best if I don't take charge of anything ever again."

"Shhhhhh. Shhhshh. It'll be a team effort."

"Still, don't trust me with anyone's wellbeing. The less responsibilities that require me to use discretion, the better."

"Urghhh, fine…"

… 

"I never thought I'd live to see an anthropomorphic equine statue, let alone one so chiseled and well-endowed."

"That's an original piece."

"Ahahahaha, holy shit. Looks realistic as hell." 

"Thanks; had a lot of time on my hands so I reinvented the centaur."

"... Would you consider making a dame with cerulean skin?"

"How would you pay for it? I'm consuming the world economy as we speak." 

"I… I suppose I'll be indebted to you for eternity." 

"This was a four-decade project, so might as well be... Turquoise base? Perhaps a spicy fusion? Let your dick dictate as we go- that's how real art is made."

"There's so many different sorts of blue rocks here to choose from… Are they all that simple to replicate?" 

"Yeah, actually. But I prefer working with elements, considering their molecular structure-"

"OH SHIT, WAIT! I GOT IT!!!"

They both flinched, then turned to her questioningly.

"Aight, ya listenin'? Just up and duplicate moola ala gold, then distribute it on the downlow 'til inflation goes kerplooey! The system'll be uprooted just like that, and whammo! No more stonks, no more power hierarchy; just people helpin' each other while'st exchangin' goods and services."

"... Fuckin' genius." 

"Ehehe~"

… 

"Speaking of stonks, are you still in touch with Son Boy? Wasn't sure how to ask, or if I even should, but it's chill if you'd rather not answer. I probably missed a hell of a lot there…"

"Nah, you're good. Shit's been p stagnant and it's hard to get a hold of him, so we ain't talked in a hot minute. He likes to travel diggin' up dead stuff an' takin' fancy schmancy photos- they'll fling yer bling off! … You can check in on him, right? What with your transportally majiks?" 

"I… In a way. I don't have clairvoyance, or whatever you'd call it. I just know where he is and that he's not in mortal danger, which is better than nothing, I guess."

"Hell yeah it is! … So, you been sneakin' peeps at me, seein' what I'm up to~?"

"Not exactly. It's... more like an extra sense? ... I do a worse job of explaining these things than Pawnee would at teaching colors." 

"Eh, s'fine. When d'ya wanna go see him?" 

…

"I'm still working that one out." 

She stopped playing with his armillary rings, popping them back into the carved jade jewelry box and closing it. This was one of his favorite rooms, stashed with odds and ends that he wanted to set aside from the rest. Since they had no real itinerary, they were just dicking around there until they satisfied their curiosity and moved on out of boredom. Jake and Roxy had long given up their goal of seeing everything in the mountain by the end of the day, as there was far too much to appreciate properly and their excitement didn't make them inclined to hurry it along. In short, they were content to revel in idle asshattery and live for the moment. It was all the same to Timaeus, though he was eager to be their tour guide-slash-curator and go on tangents about his more esoteric treasures and their origins. The dude knew a _ lot _ about the raw materials and assembly processes involved, coupled with their histories and lore. Jake sometimes zoned out with a dreamy smile and just basked in Timaeus's thinly-veiled passion. It seemed to be a rare sight afforded to select folks, and by jove was he going to commit it to memory. He did attempt to listen, too, since the topics at hand were fascinating. He just tended to get distracted easily. 

In any case, Roxy was doing a bangup job of understanding what he was going on about, interjecting with laid-back quips like usual. 

"Jakey. Jakester... J-man! Holy shit…"

"Ah! Sorry!!!"

…

"Noah fence, but methinks you got some sorta thing goin' on. D'ya usually space out this bad?"

"Er… Uh." 

"Not usually. He just astral projects into another dimension when he focuses on complex topics. Like blue tiddies or The Human Condition. Can't blame him; the dude has a lot of Big Thoughts."

"Pfff, look who's talkin'."

"… I guess I _ was _ caught up in the static of my own noggin, eheh... So, ah, where's the fire?"

"She wants you to behold my wardrobe and play dress-up with her." 

"That sounds posilutely gay!" 

"Damn STRAIGHT. Lookit all this shiz-" 

He joined her, rummaging through the floral armoire. She had already donned some frilly mismatched things and an equally extravagant headdress. 

"Wouldn't recommend enlisting him to help with the corset rig. Someone asphyxiated in it."

"... Say sike rn." 

…

"Bleurgh, ew-ew-ew whyyyyy?"

"Sike."

She stopped midway from shucking it off to give him an incredulous look. He reciprocated with a dorky, full-fanged grin.

"Motherfucker!"

"Hey, an hour ago you were waving shitty swords and modeling armor, despite knowing people bled and sweated all over them."

"That's 'cause they're shiny an' cool... C'mere, bitch. You ain't gettin' outta this."

"Absolutely the fuck not... Just because they can be worn doesn't mean that they _ should _ be- it's unethical to cover up art with more art."

She marched over and assailed him with a three-point hat and pirate coat, despite his apathetic protests. 

"You wouldn't knit a g-string for the statue of David… Or, maybe you would. Scratch that metaphor; it was supposed to be bad." 

"Your brain meat's huge."

"Thanks."

"Now I gotta add that to my bucket list."

She held the sleeves up and he made fists to avoid accidentally clawing the fabric, then checked himself out in the built-in mirror.

"... This is stupid."

"It's cuz of yer face." 

"Fair." 

"You're s'posed to get mad!" she snorted.

"I mean, it's an indisputable fact that I'm hot shit." 

"... Then why-"

"You know I can't resist a chance to self-flagellate."

…

"Dammit, you're just one big buzzkill…" 

"Astute observation." 

"Urghhh...... Oh! Hello there, stranger~"

Jake had donned something akin to a patterned kimono and a regal, gem-encrusted mantle. The former was tied incorrectly, but he was preoccupied with trying to balance the latter's shoulderbeam, which looked like it might've served as a mantel as well.

"It's so… heavy," he managed, teetering. "I think I'm stuck…"

"Fashion is suffering," she muttered, helping him out of it. He thanked her sheepishly, then proceeded to change into a floor-length skirt and a gladiator helmet. 

"Classy." 

"Issa tits out kinda look."

She found an entirely metal ensemble, and while they were preoccupied with accessorizing, Timaeus retrieved more of his own bling. 

"Theeth... are called snakebites," he informed them as he secured the backs. 

"Fitting." 

"Sexy." 

"Yeah." 

…

…

…

"You know, we don't have to get through the whole damn place right now. It ain't goin' anywhere." 

"Thanks," he sighed immediately in relief. "All these months I thought I'd gleaned the gist of your menagerie, but nothing could be further from the truth… My mind's been effectively boggled. Perhaps tomorrow we could pick up where we left off?"

"Rox, does that-"

"I'm havin' a helluva time relishing alla yer oddities and endities... But yeah, a break'd be sweet," she admitted. "And mayhaps spacin' it out would prolong the majicks. Wanna experience it all with freshly polished vision spheres!"

"Sounds good. So, what next?"

"Can I, uh… Can we scope out the local scene? Purvey it in person? Investigate the invertebrates and so forth?" 

"Hell fucking yes."


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hi, my name's al and i never learned how to fucking draw


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wip of a camouflaged Blingee boyf and his falls


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last not-chapter before resuming the clusterfuck, because these are highly essential links.

[Flapper Roxy](https://www.deviantart.com/uberchicken/art/Play-by-Heart-Flapper-Roxy-319737404)

[Swing](https://soymikki.tumblr.com/post/190781876843/dont-mean-a-thing-if-you-aint-got-that-swing%20) [Time](https://timmaryderii.tumblr.com/post/624209440143556608/dance-swing-till-u-dead)

[Cheesy Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4kdlu0fmk6ti8oYnXbvjVb?si=hFhMRyefS9eX5Q4uL2uS5w) (feel free to suggest songs, as I am an uncultured man)


	25. Once more, with feeling.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (This is just a bunch of unedited flashbacks that didn't belong anywhere else. Content warnings in the notes at the end of the chapter!)

_ [520 AD] _

"A REAL manly man would be jumpin' the broom justa getta PIECE a this~ So BE a man an' smooch me on the FACE!" 

...

"Awww, c'mon, why the horsey mug?"

"You stayed clean for almost two weeks this time. That's impressive." 

"Not as impressive as THIS DICK."

"Yeah. Uh, aren't you cold? I mean, I wouldn't know, but that kind of dress doesn't look like it'd withstand the temperature drop. For the sake of avoiding hypothermia, can I get you-"

"Mhmm, I sure could use some _ warmin' up~ _ So, how's about you an' me engage in some good ol' [hic] … schmecks. Keep me wermmm!"

...

"You need to sleep," he offered, gently prying her off of him and guiding her to her bedroll.

"Don't be sucha Buzzy McBuzzkill… I wanna meet Lil Dirky~"

She leaned in again, puckering up with cheap wine-stained lips as she ran her hand down his chest. He panicked, jerking his head out of reach and grabbing her hand before she could go further. She froze, still processing it while he let go guiltily and stepped backwards. He avoided meeting her shocked eyes, turning to busy himself with organizing their belongings.

… 

"What's wrong with me, D? Nobody wants me! You're the only person that ever stayed. S' just the two a us 'gainst this big, bad world, and _I love you..._ Can'tcha make an 'ception to your stupid-dumb rule? 'Sides, how d'ya _know _if you never macked on any non-dudes? ... We could be so happy together, steal a couple orphans an' settle down in that mystical land of yours... Have fulfilling lives." 

…

"I…"

She flopped onto her bedroll and buried her face in her makeshift pillow. 

"... I'm sorry." 

"Don't be... Just… don't wanna be alone anymore," she mumbled. He stooped to pull the blanket up to her shoulders. 

"I'm not going anywhere." 

"You should… God, I went an' fucked up _again, _huh? Can't blame the sauce, but 'pologies mean diddlysquat at this point. Any self-respectin' deity woulda ollied out after incident numero uno..."

"Probably... But I want to be here. In case you haven't noticed, I don't exactly have my shit together, either. Everyone fucks up... You-"

"Really? Ya mean it?!" 

He nodded, swallowing. She smiled through her tears.

"Then be my boo!" she giggled. "Pleeeease?"

"Goodnight, Rox."

* * *

_ [532 AD] _

"Hey," she murmured. He shut his eyes tighter and tried to will himself to keep it together. She relocked the inn room's door and perched on the edge of his bed, cautiously placing a hand on his back. He slowly melted under the soothing caresses, no longer holding in the quiet sobs that racked his body.

"Just let it out, big guy… It's gonna be ok; I promise. He don't deserve you." 

"It was my fault… I'm the actual worst sentient being ever to grace this godforsaken planet."

"BULL-loney!"

"... They always fuck off at first glimpse of my batshit thought processes."

"Ya still have me, dingus."

"Thank _ fuck. _You're a goddamn saint."

"Nah... But I've bean certy-fied in the romances department, so believe me when I tell ya it ain't easy. S'like learnin' how to write, 'cept erry other line makes yer heart shatter into a zillion itty bitty pieces… You'll find a hubby someday, and it's gonna be _ tender." _

...

"If anyone will, it's you. But your enthusiasm is almost contagious."

"Thas the spirit!!!"

"Almost. I think you're forgetting just how fucked up I am."

"Binch, we're both fucked! So what?! Just focus on yer well-bean an' you'll get there... One step at a time. S'long as ya keep tryna move forward an' learn from mistakes it's GROWTH." 

"But I'm literally-"

"Shhhhhh. Shh sh. Only the sweetest of dreams now." 

He sighed out the remainder of despondent self-loathing on his tongue and leaned into her hand when she started carding her fingers through his hair. 

"... Thank you."

"Ain't no thing, b. S'what we do 'round here… D'ya want me to-"

"If you want to." 

"Course I do, ya goof! How could I pass on some sweet tlc with the bee eff effsie?"

He rolled over to make room, taking a sip of the glass of water she'd placed on his bedside table upon insistence. She climbed in and snuggled up to him, resuming the affection. He wrapped an arm around her and pulled her flush against his chest, resting his chin atop her head.

"M'sorry," he hiccuped.

"Uh uh; don't even."

"... I love you."

"I know," she teased. "I mean, you too." 

He held her close through the night, managing to sleep peacefully.

* * *

_ [746 AD] _

"Oh, fer fuck's sake- DIRKY, GET YOUR ASS OUTTA THERE!" she yelled. He startled, accidentally yanking a few chains free like strands of spider silk before settling back down amidst his attackers and letting them resume. His booming telepathic voice reached only her.

_ (It's what I deserve. I'm a _ ** _monster_**_.) _

"Not this shit again…" 

Dave started to reach for his sword, but she stopped him. 

"He can handle himself, kiddo. S'just bein' a DUMP ASS GIANT LIZARD BABY." 

_ (Yeah. Sorry you had to see this...) _

She sat down on the hillside with an exasperated huff, joined by their adopted "son." She held his massive, eternally burning gaze until he looked away and resumed their private conversation.

_ (What even happened this time?!) _

_ (There were witnesses... I think I scarred them for life.) _

_ (... Well, why'd'ja do it? _

_ ... _

_ Obv you had a good enough reason to stir that pot after so long layin' low. So c'mon, who was it?) _

He sighed after a moment, blasting steam from his nostrils that made the nearest people scatter.

_ (Can't a dude beat himself up in peace?) _

_ (I know that you know that I know that you know we ain't got time for THAT kinda nonsense today. So start splainin' NOW cuz we needta be all supportive an' shiz for the ceremomies!) _

_ (Tell him those plans are fucking cancelled. Please.) _

_ (Seriously? He's right here! You tell 'im!) _

_ (It's the principle.) _

_ (Principle schminciple. This is his future you're messin' with, and he has the right to know what's goin' down since it involves him.) _

_ (Yeah, I know. I… No matter what I say, it's going to be bad. Irreversible...) _

_ … _

_ … _

_ … _

_ (Oh my dick, you ate his-) _

_ (So, you see my predicament.) _

_ (How'd I miss that? I mean, like… I don't blame ya,) she muttered. (It… sounds like the logistical solution to alla this, tea bee H. Just a big whammy outta nowhere on the day he was trainin' for his whole damn life.) _

_ (I proposed it jokingly more than once, but he wasn't down with the idea... Fuck, Roxy, he might never trust me again if-) _

"You gonna clue a bro in on whatever's happenin' here, or should I go?"

She took a breath and turned her attention back to him. 

"Yer papa's-"

_ (Gone. Sorry, but also congrats? _

_ … It had to be done. I couldn't let him send you off to fuck knows where to continue the trauma and bloodshed until you drop dead. No one will ever raise a hand or shitty sword to you again if I have a say in it. No more psychological warfare or bullshit quests for testosterone, and… yeah. Again, sorry.) _

...

"Fuck…"

"Davey-" 

"I was _ countin' _on those years away to prepare and shit. Can't you just, like, spit him out?"

_ (Hell no. Don't you get it? You don't have to do any of that now.) _

"... Appreciate the gesture, pops, but now I got a wholeass kingdom to guard... Coulda used a heads-up to get my shit in order first, maybe got him to dump some extra servings of ass-kickin' on my plate for the XP. I can't… hell. I'm not even a knight yet, but it's not like I'll ever be worthy of that conksucky coat of arms. Why's it even _ called _a coat of arms? S'not a coat, and there's no arms. What's next, pants of feet but it's just a fork?"

…

_ (Uh. I can answer that, provided it wasn't a rhetorical.) _

"I don't know how to deal with half of what he did daily... Like, I _ know _he was a douchenozzle, but at least he had a clue about how it all works…"

He leaned forward, rubbing his brow. She placed a hand on his shoulder, and he flinched, then relaxed, still getting used to the whole affection thing.

"Lil birdy, you're real smart, k? You don't need 'im."

_ (He wasn't preparing you for jackshit. You were just an extension of his power.) _

"... Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right. Still kinda screwed, though... How am _ I _supposed to call the shots? He left a metric fuckton of irons in the fire, and there's gonna be armies linin' up for their turns at avengin' all the booties we pillaged..."

"We'll just… give the lands and stuff he stole back an' say we're real sorry 'bout it?"

…

_ (I mean. I have experience managing these things. It could be a temporary-) _

"HELLS no."

_ (... Shit, that was a close one. Thanks.) _

"Welc. Are you done stickin' your head up your ass yet?"

…

_ (For now.) _

He stood and stretched, snapping the thinner chains loose and sending the others' stakes flying. With a casual sweep of his tail, he rendered everyone in the vicinity unconscious and then coughed up a heap of steaming hot chainmail like a hairball.

"Nice." 

* * *

_ [752 AD] _

"Prince Strider of Guy seeks brides. So, like, cough up the broads. All of 'em. Widows, kids, hobos, whatever. Chop chop, people. Get your dough while it's fresh, 'cause he's fuckin' _ loaded." _

Sometimes that was enough to pull it off. Other times, they'd only give him one, so they had to get creative.

"Oh, what in the fresh hell is that? Looks like a dragon. Man, those bastards are _ lethal. _Fuckin' obliterated my kingdom without even breakin' a sweat; ate the richest peeps first and seized the memes of production. Hah, we're screwed-"

Their weapons were useless against him, so he continued to advance at a leisurely pace. Someone flung a ball of firey metal at him from a slingshot, and he let it bap his cheek, unphased. 

Once he reached the castle, he pried the door open with one claw. The people screamed in terror, scrambling for cover. He just sat back on his haunches and leaned against the wall casually, cracking it a bit. He picked up a crossbow arrow to pick his fangs for show.

_ (Ladies. This is an elaborate ruse to allow you to live out the rest of your days however the fuck you want. We have a fancyass fake nunnery in the middle of nowhere with your name on it. Trust me. Please. I'm basically God.) _

He shifted his voice to reach everyone in the vicinity this time.

_ (Give me a bride, and I'll spare your city for now. The more the merrier; I might just fuck off permanently if you let them choose for themselves.) _

…

Several dozen women were all but shoved his way.

_ (Thanks. I think I'll take this dude, too.) _

"Ah, fuck. Guess this is the end of the line."

He scooped them up carefully in one fell swoop and then launched himself into the air, flying off like a giant seagull with a sandwich. 

There were some matters that he didn't fuck around with- namely, slavery. He went full seamonster and flung the captors off their ships before unlocking all of the shackles with telekinesis and returning the people to their homes, arming them against potential recurrences and then leaving to let them enact justice upon any bastards that made it to shore. 

The atrocities of humanity barely reduced with his meddling, even when he was splintered into a hundred places at once. It was fucking depressing to show up and find himself too late, for his actions or lack thereof to backfire, and to "fail" to resolve issues outside of his jurisdiction. On rare occasions, he'd almost dare to think the state of the world was ok, but then some people somewhere would find another way to restart the fuckshit. The only thing keeping him from falling apart beyond repair was his companions. Roxy kept insisting that he had a substantial impact, and Dave seemed to genuinely believe they could fix it all with time. 

He wanted to do right by them, so he persevered despite feeling like he was never enough.

* * *

_ [1689 AD] _

"... He's not coming back."

"No shit… Sorry.

…

Was it something we did? Said? … I mean, I know I spew a lotta hot garbage, but I didn't think-"

"It was my fault," she stated bluntly. "All those years I spent tryna goad 'im into reciprocatin'. I _ saw _ what it was doin' to him but kept pushin' and shovin' 'til he was so uncomf that he couldn't stand bein' around me anymore… I took 'im an' his platonic lovins for granted, Davey. Didn't think there'd ever be a day that he'd up and disappear."

"No offense, but imma have to call bs. It's been, like, twelve centuries since you two worked that shit out."

…

"I don't know. Might _ never _ know why or what happened, or where the hell he even went. Like, fuck, what if he's hurt or somethin'? Not that we'd be real helpful, but..."

"He's a tough dude with fuckin' superpowers. I'm only worried about him havin' an emotional crisis or some shit. Beneath that hard, scaley exterior is a whole bunch of gooey stuff." 

"Thassa wise wisdom right there," she snorted. 

"... Maybe some emergency biz came up. Y'know, snake family problems," he joked half-heartedly. 

"Yeah, maybe..."

"But whatever went down wasn't a total surprise if he had time to leave us more gold than our whole squad could carry… And he didn't go and die, thank fuck. I mean, mostly for his sake, but also 'cause I don't feel like turnin' into infinity dust anytime soon. Got a wholeass bucketlist still, namely livin' long enough to jockey some discs."

She smiled, ruffling his hair. At least they'd always have his nonsensical future memes.

* * *

_ [1919] _

"You know, we've had our... moments, but I'm just tickled pink that you've decided to settle down with me, Jacob! Oh, I can't wait to spend the rest of our days together." 

"Y- Yeppers! How could I _ not _wed such an endearing dame?! Really, it was the only option!" 

"And don't you start again with that wishy-washy nonsense about no children! You'll come around in time... Keep it hush hush, but my dad is very pleased with your contributions and wants to make you a lifelong business partner. And this! This is a big step. I'm so proud of you for making your first commitment. You're becoming a real_ man,_ darling."

"Heh… I sure did sink the ol' anchor, didn't I? Hoo, boy! This calls for drinks!!!"

He flagged the waiter and then excused himself to the lavatory, shaking with nerves. There was no alternative route, he'd told himself. Jane was a childhood friend and thus the only lady who didn't scare him shitless. They had a lot of fond memories growing up, playing make-believe as adventurers and detectives, baking with her father, helping his grandma garden, and engaging in all-around silliness. Her allergies prevented her from being around their dogs, so he could only set foot in her house. Their families came together often, which helped them feel less alone. Jane's mother had passed right after she was born, and her father never remarried. Jake's origins were unclear, as Jade had found him alone in their decimated village and claimed him as her grandson on paper. It had been anything but easy adjusting to life in America, but a chance meeting of the two guardians led to Jade securing better circumstances and a decent research position.

Then, of course, Jake went back to being an orphan before his tenth birthday. All of their beloved dogs were rehomed, along with most of their possessions. The Crockers couldn't legally adopt him, but she'd put her savings towards sending him off to a boarding school, where he didn't make a single authentic friend. Adolescence brought a spike of popularity and male envy as his scrawny but charismatic ass became thirsted after, which led to him isolating most of the time and actively striving to avoid such encounters. 

Once he graduated high school, he was essentially free but broke and homeless. The first thing he did was return to his old stomping grounds. Jane was still living there, so they reconnected rockily. As it turned out, people were prone to changing. He started working for her father while they caught up and reminisced, and soon he found himself courting her. He wasn't sure _ how _ it ended up that way, but Jane was a lovely gal and he had to hitch himself to someone sooner or later. Besides, he'd have a more secure future if he could keep his job, and a father-in-law/father figure wouldn't opt to feed him to the wolves if he kept his daughter happy, right? And Jane seemed very happy with the arrangement, most of the time. Unless it was forced. He couldn't afford to delve into _ that _sort of interpersonal conflict. He was already bungs at reading people and picking up on implications. But surely, if she had something to say, she'd say it, wouldn't she? 

Either she was prone to spontaneous combustion, or she was internalizing quite a lot. He eventually caught on enough to stop saturating her with miles of monologues that didn't concern her. She was his sole confidant and never shared her own thoughts or feelings unless they were alluded to in blowups, and then she'd apologize and cork them until the next time. She clearly cared about him, but listening and being supportive all the time was wearing her out- that much became evident. It didn't strike him as an appealing position for anyone, but like hell was he about to try to talk about feelings with another person. Every single time he had gathered the nerve to do so with a peer, it backfired and made him an easier target. No, he wouldn't be making _ that _mistake again, thanks much. From then on, he opted to confide solely in a journal (not diary!) and bury everything not superficial with him when he died. At the least, it made things with Jane go a lot smoother. With each cheesy romantic gesture and three-feet-apart date they became closer, to the point that her father sat him down for a warm but stern conversation about taking the relationship and her feelings seriously. He tried to play dumb and nod along until he came out and asked if Jake was ever planning to ask for her hand in marriage. Jake panicked, and the next thing he knew he'd taken a knee in her favorite restaurant. The patrons ate it up, and she was over the moon. 

He snuck off and ran away that night, shame and guilt in tow, and kept running, primarily in the form of train-hopping. There was no place for him in the world; he'd known that for a long time. He drifted through the states and did odd jobs to survive. On the east coast, he found work at the docks and was then recruited by a rich geezer who liked to noodle around on a dinky little boat but couldn't handle it alone anymore. Once he stopped puking his brains out, he managed to learn the basics of sailing. It was the longest job he'd kept, and a rather enjoyable one at that- he preferred being away from crowds and doing physical tasks, however menial. The old man had plenty of outlandish stories to tell, too, which were fun to listen to. 

Years passed this way, and then his employer went and fucking died, but he willed him the boat. Lost all over again, he packed up and set off in search of whatever the waves had in store for him. 

* * *

_ [1925] _

"- hence my frame of reference not being up to snuff. I was quite the oblivious dunce- even moreso than now if you can believe that! Sure, I played it up in the hopes of dashing expectations because I sure as hell couldn't meet them- at least, not on a regular basis- but overall inadequacy seems one of the few traits I can call characteristic. "Phony fraud" is a close second… Maybe if I'd just manned up and spilled the whole stash of beans out they might've… might've… not done those things, I suppose? It's too late to ponder the what if's, I know. It's just hard _ not _ to when you can't catch a break from your own noggin. For chrissake, I never imagined I'd miss human interaction. I scarcely kept up the act long enough to flee such misery… I like to think I'm happiest alone, but hell's bells and all its whistles does this degree of isolation rattle a man. I wish I could… just... chat with folks from a safe distance every now and again... Gah. The reality is I'm just not made to be a decent being. After much contemplation, I've come to the conclusion that I'm not even _ capable _ of functioning in society, and what good is a dewdropper who can't get along with others? I'm plum useless so I put all I've got into that facade to swindle them. Swindle myself, mostly. But now... it's just me. On my lonesome. I was so desperate to escape that I fooled my pathetic arse into believing I could make something of myself in the world! That I could forge a path like she did and secure a sound identity, or at least a life. _ Jake English, adventurer extraordinaire! Courageous and rugged explorer of uncharted lands- the stuff of legends! _More like puny nincompoop. 

… It's no wonder I'd managed to alienate all the decent individuals who came along. Except dear Jane; she was either thoroughly bamboozled or doggedly determined to make us work… If I hadn't high-tailed it out of there she'd be miserable because of my self-centeredness. Really, what kind of incompetent imbecile can't bring himself to be upfront about important matters? I'm a coward through-and-through… but there were far too many "incidents" for even me to ignore. We were a regular trainwreck waiting to happen.

…

I don't know who I am anymore… The more I think about it, the more I realize I likely never did. I'm an unfortunate joke at everyone's expense, and it's just as well that I don't return to civilization. By all accounts, I shouldn't have survived as long as I did. Just look at me! I'm a wretched madman babbling to himself as a first attempt at honest introspection... Why can't it be over already?! I just want it to be over… Not even someone with as low merit as me should be condemned to suffering in this purgatory forever… 

…

Hoo, boy. Didn't set out to get THAT off my chest. I frankly can't tell if I _ knew _it was there in the first place… What in the Dickens even spurred this particular tangent? Something about the seaworthiness of canned goods, if I recall correctly? 

… The one thing I do know now is that I'm a veritable disaster, and I fear these social simulations aren't enough to sustain any semblance of sound mind I may or may not still possess... Nevertheless, I'm glad the flighty make-believe side of me is proving to be wrong about you. There's no giant serpent lazing about waiting to grant wishes... Yes, I daresay I'm relieved you don't exist. No offense intended, but I'd never recover if anyone actually heard the nonsense I've been spewing. And to think I start each spiel with the intent of keeping things lighthearted but end up deep in the muck! Downright disgraceful, but that's just my brand, isn't it? Heh… Crud, the time keeps slipping faster than… than one of those giant bugaboos that slide around after it rains and whack you sideways if you aren't paying attention. Which happens far more often than I care to admit… Should've brought the longshirt." 

He curled up apathetically in the soft bed of moss and covered his face with his burlap sack, mumbling himself to sleep. It was far cozier to shelter by the temple, but all the coconut trees and the ship's remains were on the shore. Not to mention, he was sort of fearful about living there when the noises from the dark depths were still persisting, sporadic and unidentified. At the least, it was motivation enough to keep active during the days. He did sleep sounder outside the temple, and he had yet to be disturbed by a single beast from the surrounding jungle or even feel cold. On the shore, he wasn't so lucky. He resolved to continue bringing a couple supplies each trip to stash in the haven of greenery, should he gather the nerve to set up shop there more permanently. 

Despite objectively withering away on this strange but beautiful island, he found himself drawn to the mountain's ruins. Perhaps he was becoming superstitious in his delirium, but it struck him as a sort of living magic mumbo jumbo. He supposed it was a placebo effect akin to seeking shelter in a chapel.

For whatever reason, he felt… safe there, protected.

* * *

Centuries had passed with next to no human contact, and he became overwhelmed by his own mind. Isolation, guilt, and gnawing loneliness coupled with the pain of existence to overwhelm him to the point that he often forgot how to think in words. On worse days, he'd just sprawl out trying to ignore the plethora of mistakes he'd made until the urge to self-destruct abated enough to function. Their souls kept him tethered to life like marionette strings, and as much as he wanted an end he couldn't bring himself to take them with him. 

So he resigned to holing up inbetween dealing with the occasional band of intruders or emergency summoning, after which he always wormholed back to the hell he made for himself. The mountain itself was sweet- he just missed having distractions from his thoughts and the eternity that stretched out before him. He _ needed _people more than anything, and it showed the longer he went without tending to his complicated-yet-extroverted human side. There was morbid humor to be found in his acknowledgement that he couldn't sustain being an "island" forever.

… God, he missed them. 

But then some bozo came along to splash around, dirtying his fountain and making him question his sanity. Had he really lost his touch? He used to be able to sense ships miles away, but he didn't even notice this guy. Then again, he'd been holed up for months in yet another one of his legendary depressive funks and hadn't kept the sentries active in at least a couple decades. 

He watched in dumbfounded shock right up until the dude stomped on over to the ground entrance. He snapped out of it just in time to ollie the fuck out, feeling like a dick. 

"Er, I suppose I'll take my leave. Same time tomorrow?" 

He returned as intended, and this time Timaeus was prepared enough to lurk out of view. 

_ Oh, lovely, he's going skinny dipping. _

He pulled back before there was anything to see and resolved not to stare anymore, because that was pretty fuckin' creepy. 

The man lingered for a good hour before meandering over, calling in again. 

_ Use words. Say _ ** _something, _**_asshole. _

He stayed silent. He wasn't about to scare him off just yet, let alone deal with… _ any _ of this. Luckily, "Jake" seemed content to hunker down and shoot the breeze with a derelict, mossy wall. The monologue was as bizarre as it was grounding, and there were plenty more to follow. Sometimes, it seemed like he was grasping for topics, but the way he rambled and went off into esoteric tangents reminded him of his own conversational tendencies and put him at ease. 

He didn't ask Timaeus questions and hardly mentioned his life on the island, but he figured it had to come up at _ some _point. A request for resources, anything to make him obligated to respond. 

He didn't. It was perplexing as hell. 

Weeks passed while Timaeus contemplated saying a single goddamn word or even showing his face. He always shot down the idea and then regretted it once Jake left. Rinse and repeat, until he felt so comfortable just lounging around listening that he forgot himself and decided to be a smartass. 

"It's like those theories Hippocrates jotted down-"

"Archimedes."

…

_ Shit. Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Mother_ **_FUCK-_ **

"Sorry, did- did you say something?"

_ Ok, just roll with it. Fucking answer him. _

His voice almost cracked from nerves and disuse, but he played along and got back to being quiet again. Jake gradually started peppering in light questions, and each subsequent response became easier. By the time he could keep the friendly banter going, he found himself trying to talk Jake out of wanting to become properly acquainted, but he persisted with the infuriating patience of a man with nothing left to lose. Before he knew it and despite his plethora of inhibitions, Timaeus had agreed to come out. 

He tried his hardest not to break his nonchalant facade, feeling way more terrified than Jake seemed (which was pretty damn terrified). But he finally got a good look at the shipwrecked man, and- _ fuck, _he looked like a walking corpse. How long had he been stranded here? How long did he spend just visiting him? Time eluded Timaeus when he wasn't actively observing it, and now he felt like he let one of his beloved plants die out of apathy. 

He regretted not meeting him on the first day, but he wasn't exactly in the best frame of mind for interacting with anyone then.

Jake started to slowly back into the corner, trembling but holding his gaze. He stopped slithering closer then, uncertainty betraying his awkwardness. 

"You're not going to faint after all that effort, right? Relax," he joked, grateful that Jake was already propped up against something soft. Right, they both appreciate plush moss. Maybe that would make a good conversational topic? … With his luck, he'd probably end up saying he watched him sleep.

There was something off about Jake's eyes. He stuck his tongue out to better sense it, and Jake tried not to stare. Goddamn, his vision was _ fucked. _

Maybe he could just… offer to fix it? 

Jake struggled to still his shaking for him to get close enough, but he managed, then blinked a couple times and looked around in amazement. Fuck, that was adorable.

Timaeus knew it would be all downhill from there. He wasn't above begging to take care of this puny human and house him. Ideally, he could set the stage, ease him into the idea. All Jake had to do was not die in the interim. 

He resolved to make it quick.

It was funny, considering he didn't register just how much danger the dude was in until he was half-standing in front of him. Judging by Jake's initial shock, neither did he. He wasn't sure what he expected. But, to his credit, Jake let himself be adopted. Timaeus's existence got a whole lot less depressing on that day, and he could finally divert his overabundance of hyperfocused energy to a cause worth fussing over. 

_ [Two Months Later] _

"I promise you, it's nothing personal. I'm just… a backwards sort of man, you know? I need space and time to myself for my sanity- plain and simple. While it's true I've been a tad overwhelmed by your sheer concerned attentiveness, from now on I _ will _speak up! I was just afraid of spurning your hospitality and whatnot, and… Er… Sorry, that train of thought left the station without me it seems. But really, I do cherish your company! Please, don't take it as a slight-" 

"What? Oh, no, dude. That's a relief, if anything. I can dig needing alone time. Just keep me in the loop if I start fucking anything else up."

'Will do! … And, ah, likewise. Thank you."

"I should be thanking you for putting up with my shit." 

"Oh, and like I've a foot on you in the issues department! Hah! That's a big stinkin' HOOT... Suppose I've just become so used to playing the part of a civilized gent that I manage to pull the wool over folks even when I'm not trying to? The unfortunate reality I've only recently come to terms with is that I'm a sorry excuse for a functioning individual, with more baggage than… than a bellboy in… a popular tourist location."

"... I think we'll get along just fine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for Drunk Roxy (aka alcoholism and unwanted advances), Dirk feeling guilty about being gay, Jake hating himself, mentions of vore crimes and abuse, and passive suicidality.


	26. Chapter 26

He opened a portal back to the top floor to save them two miles of walking, and then they suited up for adventure. Pawnee showed no desire to accompany them, dozing happily in one of the rainbow patches of sunlight on the bedding. 

Once they were properly equipped for the terrain, they began their hike. For a couple minutes, they just looked out over the horizon from the peak, appreciating the landscape in view- lush vegetation, rolling hills covered in trees, uneven rock formations, ruins, and clear bodies of water, including the plethora of falls spilling down the mountain and recycling through the carved filtration channels. It was a misty, cool day but much chillier and windier at their altitude. The clouds were sparse and scattered below them, crossed by the occasional flock of colorful birds. Roxy put her hands on her waist and whistled low. 

"Now THAT'S scenery… Wish I could engrave it on ze old noggin." 

"Ideally, you won't have to. You're welcome here anytime."

"HELLS yeah!!! Catch me squattin' erry weekend."

"Sounds like a fuckin' plan." 

The ocean was calm, its warped glass-like surface disturbed sporadically by seals, otters, and unidentifiable finned creatures. Eventually, she opted to climb down the mountain instead of taking the tunnel to the lower exit or letting Timaeus teleport them despite his thinly-veiled anxiety over her falling. He slid ahead in a squiggle pattern to slow his descent, but unlike Jake she wasn't far behind him. She held onto the mossy, fern and lichen-covered ledges for balance, chatting excitedly between hops and shimmies. Neither of them anticipated her being so adept at it, considering she lived in a flat city. 

"How are you so _ fast?" _Jake panted, struggling to keep up as he ducked under large-leafed foliage.

"Am I? Shit, I dunno... I do a lotta finagling at the house... an' dancin' helps, I guess," she shrugged, stopping to run her hand across a neon-striped creature the size of a cat that looked like a cross between a woodlouse and a crab. It startled awake and booped her with an antenna inquisitively before deciding to play it safe by curling into an armadillo ball. It rolled down the slope, disappearing into a pre-dug tunnel and pulling a circle of dry earth up to plug it. She seemed at a loss until Timaeus spoke.

“Lizard that's warmblooded, somehow, three o’ clock.” 

“Egads!” 

The pattern of rough bumps on its back resembled encrusted jewels, set on a backdrop of obsidian scales that didn't appear to reflect light. It was three feet long but blended almost seamlessly with the dramatic afternoon shadow it was hiding in, making it hard for the others to locate. When Roxy spotted it, she gasped and crept closer to inspect it. She spoke in a hushed voice in fear of scaring it off.

"Dang, they pretty..."

"Prettier than the horned squirrels?" 

She forgot herself then, switching to a normal volume as she looked up at him indignantly.

"Hey, no, don't make me pick favs!"

She covered her mouth and glanced back, but it hadn't even stirred. With caution, she stooped and reached out to pet its back, and it just let her. The glee at finding something that would permit human touch was evident in every aspect of her body language.

"... Fair. I love all of my children indiscriminately." 

"Even the acid-spitting ones?" 

"Especially the acid-spitting ones. Indiscriminately." 

"I'm biased against those from personal experience."

Curiosity satisfied, she straightened and rejoined them.

"... Speakin' of which, uh, you got a lil somethin-"

She pointed, and Timaeus reached over to gently flick an unnoticed spider almost as big as his hand off Jake’s back. Its thread stuck to his claw, and it dangled in front of them. Unphased, Timaeus detached it on the nearest boulder.

"Nerves of steel, this guy," he shuddered belatedly. 

"Is _ everything _ oversized here?"

"I think so."

"Fuck's sake, the Galapagos got nothin' on this..."

"General rule of thumb: if they're less than a third of your size, they're afraid of you. Evolution was kind enough to nudge the bugs that go after mammals into extinction."

"That doesn't mean the others won't assail you in offensive defense!" 

"I mean, you're not wrong. It's hard to understand the ways other species think, but they'll usually only attack if they feel threatened. Don't block off their escapes or touch their young, etc. As long as you're with me, you'll be fine." 

"Because he can knock them out."

"... Or heal the aftermath," he smirked sheepishly. "And predators are scared shitless of me when I'm towering over them, but if I'm default and they get cocky I can just portal you to safety. And, like he said, I can always knock them out."

"Yeehaw, we got ourselves a bonafide guide."

"That's how it's been for the better half of our excursions," he laughed. "He's saved my keister on more occasions than I'd care to admit."

"You can handle yourself just fine... Hell, you made it over three months on your own before I came to my senses and let you in."

"I-"

"Three _ months?! _Hah, hopey shiz, whadda BAMF."

"... I don't know what that is, but I'm fairly certain I'm not one... There were plenty of close shaves; it was only a matter of time before natural selection kicked in." 

"You survived Hellmurder Island, and that's all that really needs to be said about the matter."

Jake made a noncommittal noise, teetering across a log as Roxy splashed in the creek below. Once he reached the other side and hopped down, he resumed the conversation.

"Truth be told, this is the nicest, most whimsical land I've ever heard of. The temperature remains mild year-round! And I wouldn't consider the environment hostile, persay- just takes some getting accustomed to." 

"Yeah, this place def strikes me as habitable- I'm usedta sweatin' buckets or freezin' my tits off at least parta the year anywhere remotely scenic." 

"If luck is on my side-"

"Not a thing, but continue."

"... If he remains alright with the notion and no unanticipated curveballs uproot me, I'll remain a resident for the rest of my days... There are no obligations or roles to play and no ways to pretend and fail when the only other fella here doesn't subscribe to them… This poor jobbie puts up with my brand of unadulterated malarkey and seems to- dare I infer- enjoy it???"

"Being genuine and exposing vulnerabilities and flaws to better yourself and your relationships isn't malarkey, if that's what you're implying."

"Malarkey is a catchall term! Poppycock and bullfeathers included, with a complimentary heap of baloney."

"Right, well, enabling is your thing, not mine. I have more than enough of my own horseshit to give you a run for your money in any aspect."

...

"My... "bettering," as you call it, is still very much a work in progress and will likely remain that way..."

"... I mean, ditto? I'm pretty sure no one can run out of room for improvement... And obviously, I like it here. I wasn't masochistic enough to set up camp from the dawn of civilization in anywhere less than ideal." 

"By ideal d'ya mean alone?" she joked. 

"... You know this was the utopia I used to talk about? The one I straight-up destroyed?"

He gestured to the ruins of the temple.

_ "Ohhh. _Ah, fuck. Shit. My bad."

"No, it was my fault."

"He certainly wasn't all to blame. I'm wont to point at human nature and say it was just a matter of time." 

"That's generous, but the physical destruction was entirely me. Those jagged rocks along the coastline? Used to be attached to cliffs. I'd scare the shit out of my residents ala giant wrathful deity to subdue them into obedience… Granted, it backfired, but-"

"Yeah, uh, that was the gist of my extracts. If only you could purrfect peeps with sheer spookery..."

"And mindgames. Can't forget those. Most of the string-pulling was subtle."

She shrugged. 

"S'much as I hate to get pessimistic, we kinda keep buttfuckin' ourselves and everyone else over again and again… Man, I ain't been so critical in ages. You're just vibin' misanthropic realism 23/7, and I can't _ not _agree with it. Hhghhh..."

"Sorry."

"No, no, the thing is... you like bein' around people as much as me, even though yer always denyin' it. You just don't like how fucked up and frustrating we are."

"I mean, I'm arguably moreso than the average person, which makes me a hypocrite."

"But it _ hurts _ya to watch us hurt ourselves and each other, to keep doin' the same bad things over thousands of years like we never learn. Can't control us or keep us safe 'less you're hoverin'... And like, yeah, we ain't bad ourselves… just neutral-faulty overall with fuckity civilizations I guess… And shit's undeniably gettin' worse now that we're gettin' good at bein' bad," she muttered, kicking a pebble and watching it bounce down the slope. "The worst part in my onions is when we actually think we're doin' the right things, or when we subscribe to bastards and ideologies 'cause we don't know better… Ya know, like, when it's ach'ly a choice but we go in blind."

"... It could be wonderful. Theoretically, we could all just... coexist and enjoy living, more or less, but we're too damn "smart." Like you said, we're ruled by corrupt, archaic institutions, and technology is evolving, which, unfortunately, will make it easier to extort and exploit... If another species had our advantages, I wouldn't bank on them being any less flawed- not if they shared our instinctive drives and easily-fucked minds."

...

"Maybe we were always hopeless." 

"Hey!"

Timaeus slowed to a stop and sprawled across a boulder with a heavy sigh, observing the paradise glumly. They sat near him in silence.

"... The lack of clearcut answers could indicate that they don't exist, or at least aren't attainable. It's a theory I've been clinging to for a while now."

...

"Do you think it's a good thing? To become comfortable with… the uncertainty?"

"Yeah, for the sake of preserving my remaining sanity. I try to make sense of shit, use reason and logic to stay grounded and seek improvement, still end up going off the rails... I _ want _to believe there are viable solutions, that the world can get better. I just can't afford to invest in that kind of abyss with no returns or safety net. Hence eliminating all expectations and becoming calloused from the entropy of existence."

He found himself now the subject of two despairing sets of eyes.

"... Dirk," she murmured softly, stroking his fluffy hair.

"Why is life so fucking painful? I've never even had physical needs or vulnerabilities, but I'm a fucking disaster anyway... And not to sound like a cheesy bastard, but there's so much beauty in the world, so much to discover, and everyone experiences it differently... Yet, in the end, there's no "point." We live just to live, and our subjective perceptions of reality mean that no one's ever truly on the same page. And said reality never stops changing- nothing is permanent. I wish I could… preserve it, for better or worse, just to have something anchoring me, a constant through this shitfest. The more I did and saw, the more I had to lose- it was a catch twenty-two."

"C'mon, sunshine, don't go into one a those existential crises on me…"

"There's no way to escape the suffering... but we tend to tell ourselves that it'll all be ok, don't we? That everything will be justified somehow, that what's lost can be regained. So where the fuck does that get us? Stuck in the past, afraid to accept the truth and move on? Or are most people able to function and take solace in that? 

... It’s probably just something wrong with me. I can’t share that belief, even if I try to pretend I don't know better, that I didn't meet the "Creator" and get told to go fuck myself. Literally. Continue the cycle and make some new universes. Like, yeah, oviposition's kinky, but _ what the hell?" _

She snorted and his expression softened. They went quiet. 

...

"I… You know I like to lie to myself and play make-believe... It used to be exceptionally difficult for me to handle reality when push came to shove. Sometimes stepping away from it all helped, but other times it just made my situation worse or more challenging... I do know that I have to detach myself a bit just to handle the intensity of my emotions and avoid jumping the gun in knee-jerk reactions… The truth is, I can be ridonkulously immature and stubborn in more ways than I'd care to admit. I'm allergic to facing unpleasant matters and doing the hard work of improving; I'd rather just let other people do it for me and live in an over-the-top fantasy with no repercussions. It often gets to the point where I don't think I _ can _deal with it. I'd frankly rather die in these delightful delusions, go out with a bang and pretend I'm worthy of a hero's ending... Any ending is preferred to a minute of real introspection." 

…

…

…

"Hrrghhh... Why we all gotta be so fuckin' depressing? Just wanna shut off these thots…" 

"Is that possible?" 

"Nnnope."

"No. Sorry."

"I tried real hard to back in the day... It was a problem. Had to get clean before he'd godify me, just because I needed to be able to handle no more blissful blankness."

"There are other ways to achieve that, minus the dependencies."

"Yeah, but the highs ain't high enough…"

"I know. Sorry, again."

"Don’t be; I needed to stop before I did permadamage. And I am way better off now, thrivin' for the most part… I just… Addictions ran deep in my family. S'like a predisposition.

...

It's still my round at the flagellation station, though. Like, fuck, I was so lonely back then that I stopped carin' 'bout consequences. I threw myself at anyone who'd gimme the time a' day, but they always ended up leavin' so I raided their pockets on the way out t' at least have somethin' to show for it an' be able to eat... Then he came along, all handsome and polite as hell. Wouldn't leave me even when I was practically mackin' on him. And I _ knew _ he was uncomfs! Once his dopplegangerly douche showed up, I had someone who looked like him _ and _ wanted to smoochy smooch to mess with his head, so I got right the fuck on board with his shenanigans... It was one big game called "lemme permafill this void no matter who gets hurt." That shit? That shit was bad. Real bad."

"Roxy, please."

"But I told myself he was just an aloof tightass who needed to loosen up, so I kept on plowin' past boundaries and didn't even fuckin' realize that I wasn't pissin' him off or anything, just makin' him feel guilty as hell for not reciprocating? Still can't wrap my head around that one…"

"You felt alone-"

"And I wasn't! It's called friendship; I took you fer granted." 

...

"Once upon a time, back when Europeans rejected basic hygiene, you were the product of an assbackwards dystopia. Rejected and fighting to survive on the fringe of a so-called society rank with violence and superstitions. It wasn't your fault. You of all people deserve to be happy and have your needs met."

"Fer fuck's sake, quit tryna excuse me! I thought we were past this… Jake."

"Ye- Yes?"

"If someone was creepin' on you, you'd deck 'em, right? Or at least ollie out?"

...

"Let's not drag him into our clusterfuck. It happened, then it stopped, and I never actually said anything or tried to avoid you during it. But, now we communicate like the big kids. That's all that matters."

"... You're unbelievable, ya know that? Even when I suck donkey balls you turn the blame on yerself and keep me on that pedestal… It's just what you do, huh?" 

...

"I was lonely, too... On some level it was nice feeling wanted, despite not being what you needed. I was almost glad when Hal happened." 

"D-man, I am _ beggin' _ you to acknowledge my shittiness. Gonna keep wavin' this sacka nasty diapers in yer face 'til ya do."

...

"Fine, you're an organic being subject to imperfections, like everyone else.

...

And… you… made decisions… that… weren't ok, despite knowing better. Big fuckin' deal." 

She sighed in relief, flopping down across him melodramatically.

"I really thought we had to haul ass allllll the way back to square one there. Don't scare me like that!"

He laughed despite himself, playing with her hair in turn.

"... I'd tell you if you somehow managed to do anything else remotely sketch, and I don't hate myself to _that_ extent anymore. Things are different now."

"Thank _ fuck..._ You gotta treat yourself right and remember that bein' alone is waaaay better than bein' dragged down by spirit'ly unsexy peeps."

"Duly noted." 

They fell into comfortable silence, the mood lightening drastically as they enjoyed the moment. 

"... I think I would deck them this time around. If it came down to it. A quick "realigning of the chakras" should I need an out."

"Good. An' there's no shame in callin' for backup." 

"I'd literally eat their asses off if you saw them again. Death would be too kind." 

"Bone app the teeth, baby!"

"Heh..."

…

…

…

"If we're done being miserable for the day, there _ are _ things you might want to see. Evolution went apeshit once the human inhabitants were gone, but it'd be nice to have people here again someday…"

"Wanna see the natures!!"

"A warning, though- I think I fucked up the ecosystem with all of the horses. You don't need to worry about it when I'm the guide, but there are carnivorous plants even that can trap stallions. Granted, they take weeks to-"

"Wait, really?! I figured it was always like this."

"Nature be wildin'." 

"Yeah, just assume anything bigger than you might see you as a snack. And a lot of the smaller ones can still wreck your shit."

"Yeowzers…"

"Indeed! But rest assured that I've dealt with plenty of neighbors and the majority are pleasant. Their diversity baffles me, but the moths are rather nice. Friendly, even! And so fluffy..." 

"The ones here tend to be poisonous, so they have no predators. They're safe to pet, sans their caterpillar forms."

"Awwwww yis!"

"Just don't touch the wings. Shit's fragile, even at their size." 

"You can pet bird wings, though! Provided they let you."

"Wouldn't recommend that. They'll fuck you up; he was lucky the one he found was sick."

"What happened to luck being fake and so on?"

...

"Mother_fuck, _it's contagious."

They cracked up at him, and he got up after a moment, slinging each of them under an arm.

"Jeez, chillax! What's the hizhaps?"

"This is dumb. We're gonna bullshit the whole day away if we don't get moving."

"Rude," he huffed, trying to wiggle free.

"... M'hyped, but we were gettin' a sweetass photosynthesis session in an' also tyin' up a tender feelings jam… 'Sides, bsin' is kinda all we ever do, so do we really gotta stop right now?"

"There's a negative amount of time to waste."

"Hrghhh… You're ridonkulous, you know that?" 

"An unstoppable force, this one."

"I'm aware. Do you really want to just sit here and ignore the siren song of adventure, though? Wouldn't be fair to either of you nerds." 

"... Yeah, yeah. Hate it when you're right."

"I'm also aware of that."

…

…

…

"Fuck!"

"Hm?"

"FUCK… Fuccck, I forgot about Janey…" 

"She can wait a little longer. Look, I'll speed it up- one lap around the island, then you can go do whatever."

"One _ lap??? _This place is ginormous; we can't… Oh, HELL yes!" 

Jake blinked, lost. Neither of them noticed. 

"Do the feathery fluff one!!" 

Timaeus glanced at the wet noodle of a man slumped over his forearm.

"That work for you?"

It took a moment for Jake to realize he was talking to him. He tried to crane his neck upwards, but it was an awkward angle and Timaeus was still slithering downhill, jostling them slightly with every rock and crevice he slid over.

"Sorry?"

"You can stay behind if you want- I can portal you back, and we'll meet you there."

"No, no, I've just no idea what you're going on about."

...

"Wait… I never even offered _ you _ a trip. The hell is wrong with me? Class A host over here… The giant scaley thing. Soar with seagulls, pass out, drop personal belongings at a high velocity.

...

Do you want to fucking _ fly? _ Insert "riding" innuendo." 

"SWEET JIMINY, YES!" 

Timaeus smiled to himself. 

"It shouldn't be too traumatic, considering I have this shit down to a science."

"Ahahaha, yeah… Been a lonnnng time since the good ol' days, though. Prolly rusty."

...

"You're not wrong."

He plopped them on the nearest flat rock and kept moving.

"Fuck it, just give me a minute to warm up... And, uh, Jake, if you have a preference regarding forms, just say the word. There's a lot of overlap and fluidity with shifts."

He nodded despite not really understanding and Timaeus facing away from him. 

"Hoo, boy. This gon' be RICH... Just fyi, won't judge ya if you flip yer shit."

"Th- Thanks." 

Timaeus stopped a long distance away, then hesitated as if contemplating saying something before stretching his back and leaning forward at an angle. He coiled his tail like a spring, then launched himself several dozen feet off the mountainside. He went perfectly horizontal, arms extended at his sides. His hair billowed with the leafy frills of his tail as he freefell. 

Jake snapped out of the shock and made a choked yelp, scrambling backwards and slipping off the rock. Roxy cracked up.

"Deepfried dicknuts, he's FALLING!!! Why are you- Why are you laughing?!"

"He's _ fine… _Look-"

As if on queue, he poofed into a giant fucking dragon all at once. His outstretched wings caught the wind like a hawk, and he switched to a smooth glide. He circled back around, sunlight reflecting off his hues of orange and blue so brightly that they had to shield their eyes. The assorted batlike membranes between his scales and claws were translucent, casting cyan shadows on the stones like stained glass. He hovered for a moment, flapping to stay in place and assailing them with gusts of wind. Then he shifted to a chimera-looking creature with a longer neck, spine ridges, and the aforementioned feathery fluff, which billowed in the gusts like fields of golden wheat. 

"THAT'S the bitch! That's _ my _bitch!!!"

_ [She designed my fursona.] _

"AAGH!" 

Timaeus landed before them with an amused glint.

_ [For fuck's sake… Next you're going to tell me you've never had a deity thoughtspeak at you.] _

"Looks like we got ourselves a cold feet case. Mister English, I diagnose you with... noob."

"You said you wouldn't judge! I don't even know what that means..." 

_ [Shakin' my head, dude.] _

"Everything was so nice and warm and friendly earlier…"

"Hey, nooo! We're just yankin' your strings; fuckin' no one handles this shit well at first. If you're not down, there'll be lotsa other chances. Prolly."

"... It's alright, sorry. I do want to give it a whirl."

"That's the spirit! C'mon, let's get aerial up in here. All you gotta do is climb on up this majestic mane and get settled on this here luxury cranium."

_ [Again, her design. Hard to build things that you can't see.] _

She grinned and patted his foreleg as he lowered his head to the ground for her. Then she grabbed fistfuls of the feathery stuff to scale it. He didn't even wince, just sideeyed Jake. 

_ [You sure you're up for this? Remember, you can always back out- I don't care if I have to stop in midair and portal you through the clouds. Seriously; it's fine.] _

Jake nodded, flashing an expression of gratitude before hurrying after her and fumbling with the stuff to pull himself up. Several times he lost his grip and landed on Timaeus's conveniently-placed paw or his feet slipped and he ended up dangling until Timaeus nudged him upwards like a rising platform. Once he reached the top, he flopped next to her in an undignified manner, winded. 

"... Thank you." 

_ [Don't mention it.] _

Roxy was occupying herself with administering scritches, to which Timaeus was making a sort of clicky purr. 

"Best furry bird ever to yiff."

_ [Think I'm still technically a scaley, but go off.] _

Jake sat upright amidst the fluff and looked around. There was no actual sitting area; it was just the plush pseudo-feathers, soft and springy. However, it curved with the shape of his skull as a sort of crescent slope for them to lean against. 

"So, we just…" 

"Just hang on! He an' I perfected all that physics-y stuff like equilibrium and aerodynamics so you don't _have_ to-"

_ [But as your pilot, I'd prefer if you did. Safety first.] _

"Yeah, yeah... An' it ain't gonna be scary 'less yer 'fraid of heights. That handsome crest of his deflects the wind from goin' right at us, and the way his weight is distributed keeps ya anchored to his noggin with a fierce kind of gravity- even if he fuckin', did loopty loops we wouldn't budge... but it don't hurt to be careful. Gives the poor worrywart some peace a mind, anyway." 

Jake had no intention to experiment. He was already holding on for dear life. 

"... It doesn't hurt to be yanked on, right?"

_ [Honestly, no. Majik biology, plus you feel like dainty butterfly wings.] _

"Dude's the size of a wholeass mall. Yank as hard as ya want; I guarantee you can't pull out a single strand." 

_ [I'd be concerned if you could, considering they don't shed.] _

He patted the space, reassured. Timaeus's head was at least twenty feet tall, and they had plenty of room to sprawl out without being smushed together or even coming near the edges.

_ [Ready for lifdoff?] _

"Ay ay!"

"Bet."

They nestled in and got comfortable. Timaeus stood slowly for Jake's sake, then crouched like a cat preparing to launch himself an unreasonable height. He sprung up in a fluid motion, catching the wind again and swooping around the mountain before flying higher to give them a full view of the island. If it looked small from the peak, it was downright miniscule now. They were so far removed that they could see it all at once, rocks and trees and bodies of water nothing more than texture on an otherwise level surface. Jake peered over the side, directly down at the mountain, which just looked like a weird bump. He tightened his grip, palms sweaty and limbs spaghetti in the face of this majesty. 

Timaeus spent less than half a minute hovering there, then went even _ higher. _It wasn't a particularly cloudy day, but the further-up strats were all stretched out at the same height, flat tuftlike streaks making an ethereal sort of painting as they drifted eastward with the cold current. Roxy reached out as he skimmed over them, getting her hand wet. Jake scooted closer, preparing to grab her other arm if she teetered.

"... M'fine, but thanks, ya goober." 

...

"What's it like?" 

"S'just dank mist; you ain't missin' out. No pillowy cotton with cherub kisses, only ghost tails." 

"Ah." 

_ [How's Jake lookin'? Can I dive, or will he die of shock?] _

"Hey!"

"Dunno if I'm koala-fied to comment on his attractiveness, but he seems aight."

"For chrissake, I'm right here… I think I can handle it. This is all so incredible; it's surreal..."

_ [It's about to get a lot realer. Brace yourselves.] _

Roxy bounced excitedly as Timaeus angled himself.

"Oh boy, oh _ boy… _ You ever been on a roller coaster, J?"

"N- No, why do y-"

Timaeus folded his wings and plunged down. They screamed (Roxy in delight and Jake in terror), but as promised, the majority of the speed was deflected from them, and they didn't budge. She started laughing hysterically, and as his shock faded, he joined her, exhilarated. 

"THIS IS FUCKING FANTABENAL!!!" 

"I KNOW!!!"

She tossed her hands up, sleeves plastered to her front. The wind whipped their hair fiercely, making it stick backwards. It was bitter cold, stinging their skin and making their noses and ears hurt. They had to squint with watering eyes and release the pressure against their eardrums from the drastic altitude shifts, but they were downright gleeful, addled with adrenaline and fortunate enough to not have to breathe the thin air. Their surroundings were a blur of blues and greens, and they were soon wheezing quiet laughs through chattering teeth. Jake turned to her with a goofy, unhinged grin, extending a hand for no real reason. She reciprocated and shook it vigorously in erratic circles. 

Eventually, their two braincells thawed from the icy rush, and Timaeus slowed his descent, leveraging in degrees until he could safely reopen his wings. They giggled breathlessly once they could speak again. 

"I… I feel… so… _ alive," _he heaved. 

"A… musement- parks... ain't got... SHIT... on this... Almost- missed it more… than the mans… himself."

_ [Thanks.] _

"Np... Was- just usin'... you for the… thrills, sorry."

_ [I fucking knew it... As if my sense of self-worth wasn't already below sea level. Speaking of which-] _

He leveled out to glide over the pristine sapphire, low enough to graze it with his limbs and spray them both with salt water. They squealed. 

Then he picked up speed again and headed towards the remnants of his worse decisions, swooping around and through them while dodging the jagged edges. He headed through the final gap, a puncture just wide enough for them to fit when he folded up. 

"Barkour."

_ [Remember dear Lil Rocky? Haven't done this in… a while, but you might get a kick out of it. Essentially, I realized that I could divide my consciousness without splintering if I just threw it in something that already has my energy. Saves a hell of a lot of hassle and doesn't drain my powers like cloning. Also, I don't have to worry about deviation, since it's literally just my mind chillin' there.] _

"Oh, _ what? _Wack…"

_ [Yeah. Only downside is they can't do shit sans move around and be my eyes.] _

"He made wrestling buddies for me, which was both generous and hilarious because he's easily distracted, split up like that! Despite his claims to the contrary." 

_ [Just leave me out to dry while you're at it.] _

"D'aww~"

"To be fair, though, the prototype-"

_[Brototype.]_

"- was a fiesty bugger. He aimed to improve my self-defense skills by letting it run amuck on autopilot and giving me a run for the money I don't have, but it-"

_[Which was equal parts idiotic and asinine, in hindsight.]_

"Shut your yapper; I'm not finished."

_[My bad.]_

"It got to the point where I had to spurn his offering. Couldn't go for a leisurely stroll without ambush 'til I put my foot down and leveled with him. The poor sport worked so hard on it, only to have to turn the thing into a bodyguard and let me partake in its redesigns... Hoo, boy, was that a messy time." 

_[Ah, yes. The awkward days when we tiptoed around issues because we didn't know how to bring them up, so we just didn't in fear of alienating or upsetting each other... I was neurotic about him being outside unprotected when he wanted space, which wasn't my business as he isn't helpless, but once we finally fucking talked and I aired out my bullshit, he was amenable to the aforementioned compromise because he did want the safety and training aspects; I just needed to let him make his own decisions... And months later, immortality happened, so having his Life Alert signal embedded in my soul helped me chill to an extent. ]_

"Took swole balls for y'all to get past that; it's real scary to put yerself out there, and sortin' through those things is all kindsa hell... Sidenote, what's with us and bein' rank at people-ing? I mean, like, damn..." 

She stroked her nonexistent wizard beard contemplatively.

_[Something something general ineptitude that can potentially be attributed to malajustment from trauma, followed by the painful process of learning through experience.] _

"Sounds about right."

"You can't see, but I was noddin' sagely in agreement."

He seemed to be looking for something amid the wreckage, then landed on a piece and stuck his tail under the choppy waves, fishing around. 

"Oh!! Are you showing her one of the golems?" 

_ [If I can find it, yeah…] _

After a moment, there was a faint glow on the ocean floor, which grew brighter like a spark igniting a fire. It channeled through the designs carved, and then a giant boulder slowly rose up, grating the others as it pushed past them. It floated in midair once it surfaced, even taller than Timaeus. 

It was just a stone torso, covered in seaweed, muscles, algae, and barnacles. Gallons of water trickled from the divots. Their lines glowed pale green, reflecting off the surroundings. 

_ [The rest should be down there, somewhere… But you get the picture. I used it to do… this, from the luxury of my throne. Just imagine a bunch of different rockbots stomping around to monitor the populace for me and raising hell around the island, along with the occasional monsterform splinters and me myself when I deemed it necessary. Shit was beyond fucked.] _

...

"Rock tiddies," she offered quietly. 

"They're pretty spiffy."

"Solid."

_ [Thanks.] _

He lowered it back down gradually to avoid a big splash, then resumed the tour.

_ [So, knowing that, you might like the serpent.] _

"Uh huh? … Wait, like, a stone snake??"

"Yeah!! A mighty big one at that. He's got a lot of pals around the island, but now he just uses them as a security system and the occasional lifeline when I'm exploring perilous areas on my lonesome. They're quite endearing. He taught me how to carve my own companions, too!"

"Oh em gee, that's adorb..."

_ [He's a funky little dude who creates equally funky creatures. It's impressive; the man has a knack for it. Remind us to show you that room.] _

He continued to the part of the shore where they'd left it. It appeared to be nothing more than a series of worn-down, cylindrical, lichen-spotted pillars submerged in the sand, reminiscent of spinal column segments with a tapered end and a cobra bust. He swept his tail across its entirety, and cyan light seeped into the scale outlines and eyes in its wake. Like a worm on a string, it rose in a fluid slither, nose pointed at the sky before swerving towards them. 

"Dirk. Dirk, holy fuck… Holy fuck." 

_ [We never actually bothered to name it, but you can.] _

She furrowed her brow thoughtfully, then murmured, "Snazzerpan."

_ [Nice.] _

"So it's really just… you?"

_ [Technically. I can put it on autopilot, though.] _

"Fuckin' incredible…"

_ [Any requests?] _

"Ooh! Can they do a lil dance?" 

He obliged her, making it spiral in circles, bob its head, then sway as one big wiggle. She snort-laughed. 

"I love you, snazzer mans."

He maneuvered it carefully to tap her with its snoot. She cooed. 

_ [The others aren't as interesting, sans the one with six bug legs from my experimental phase.] _

"Sounds like ANOTHER funky friend~ Wanna hug 'im!"

_ [He's a bit out of the way, but he ain't goin' anywhere.] _

"Ehh, yeah, it can wait. She's already gonna be hells of pissed…"

_ [That's a "her" problem.] _

"Dunno 'bout that, chief... I kinda left her fuck-deep in hobos without even 'splainin'."

...

_ [Ok, we should probably wrap this up.] _

"Yyyyyeah, sorry…" 

_ [No sweat. Like I said, we can dick around here anytime.] _

"I def def _ def _wanna go on fuckin', nature walks and get schooled. Make a zillion expey-ditions and also get through the rest of your crib. OH, AND just zap all over the place, see my old pals and introduce you! Pleeease?"

He finished deactivating the serpent and took off. It was a leisurely glide along the fringe of the jungle, allowing them to sightsee along the way.

_ [We'll get there. Probably. You can always take Hal.] _

"Wanna take YOU, binch… Him too, obv. But they're gonna _ love _you~"

_ [Guessin' they already have an idea of what a dumb bastard I am.] _

"I shared very charming and endearing tales."

_ [So, yes.] _

"Says you, but hey! Least you don't have to worry 'bout impressions an' whatnot. We're all dumb bastards, anyway… Just picture a bunch of John's linin' up to meet ya!"

_ [Great, awesome. Can't wait.] _

"I know~"

Jake snorted quietly, unwilling to interrupt the exchange. 

"... That's a hugeass beetle."

_ [Word.] _

"Like the majority of folks here, they're opportunists, but they mind their own beeswax for the most part." 

"Wouldn't want 'em gettin' up in mine… _ Yeesh," _she shuddered. "I mean, you saw those pinchy-grabbers!"

_ [Extreme scavengers. They eat a lot of bones and shells.] _

...

"Eugh, I can practic'ly hear the cronchin'..."

_ [Good source of calcium. Don't diss 'em for bein' health-conscious.] _

"Between them and the crabs and whatever other whosits and whatsits come along, it's nigh-impossible to find any intact remains, which is a shame, really. I'd love to scope out some good-" 

_ [Skulls. Dude fucking loves skulls. You will never meet another layperson this passionate about cranial bones.] _

"Yeah, well, _ these _ skulls are _ especially _cool! Dare I say... badass, even?" 

Roxy gasped. 

"I wouldn't dream of letting them leave this isle, mind you. But gad-shitting-zooks do they fuck! From the tidbits I've stumbled across, anyway."

"Whoahhh, Jakey, you kiss yer momma with that mouth?"

"Absolutely NOT! Heheh…"

_ [Orphan.] _

"Fuck, sorry!!!"

"No, no, it's fine!! I was too young to remember them."

"Well, how 'bout I go an' unofficially-officially adopt you? That's, like, my THING. I am the mom friend; it is me." 

"That's awfully generous… It would be an honor to flaunt ties to the lovely Lady Lalonde." 

"Flatterer~"

_ [No, he's tellin' it like it is.] _

"Stahhhp, m'blushin'..." 

...

_ [Which reminds me… I need to face the music sooner rather than later. I just… It was easier to show up at your door for some reason, despite the three of us having more than enough baggage to go around. I'd say he and I were just as tight as-] _

"Still are. Just chillax and speak from the heart, ya know? He sure as hell won't be mad." 

_ [I think I'd prefer if he was.] _

...

"Ohhh, ok. I get it now… He ain't made a glass, though." 

_ [What if he's better off not seeing me again? I'm serious; it must have scarred both of you...] _

"Uh uh. I _ guarantee _ he wants to see ya. He'd be upsetti if he found out you coulda come back and _ didn't- _I don't wanna get caught in the middle of that! … 'Sides, you can't just avoid him for eternity."

...

_ [Yeah, that's probably a worse idea…] _

"It's gonna hurt, but you gotta take this bandaid off one way or another."

_ [I'm just terrified of seeing what's underneath. Can't undo the damage.] _

"You'll both benefit from a tender reunion- bee leaf me."

His passengers fell silent for the remainder of the trip, focusing on the sights in awe. He coasted over and through mini biomes that diverged based on physical features like location, altitude, and lighting, from desert-lined ravines full of rapids to valleys teeming with bizarre flora and fauna, and so on- even the woods varied from more traditional, temperate rainforests with trunks that rivaled sequoias to straight-up jungles shrouded in vine canopies. Once they made a full circle, he opened a portal and tilted his head to let them climb back down into the pillow pile. It sealed behind them, and he returned several minutes later in his original form. Pawnee's tail thumped in greeting when he approached to check her over and give her another dose of sustenance. He smoothed her fur, then straightened, putting the bottle back.

"... I know you're right, but I... Could you help me prepare? Emotionally, at least."

"Ab-so-LUTELY! When do you wanna see 'im?"

...

"Might as well get it over with once we get you situated." 

She beamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been hoarding inspiration pics for almost a year now, and it's an ever-growing clusterfuck but feel free to check it out. The high-quality ones were yoinked from various places and the shitty mobile ones are mine, lol.
> 
> https://photos.app.goo.gl/oepHWBjUh74LwTCr9
> 
> (Also, they're referencing Carl Sagan and a DBT book in their existential crisis 😅)


	27. awkward ex time

"Ok. Dave, I am sincerely contrite for abandoning you like the dumbass bastard I am. I'm sorry that you were forced to spend the past few centuries without my brand of assholery, and that I didn't even send a goddamn postcard. I'm unworthy of forgiveness, and I never deserved your-"

"Maybe dial down the self-deprecation."

"... Dave, I failed you. I have no business coming back after leaving, but- you... I have a pathetic explanation and a shitload of apologies, if you want to put up with me a little longer to hear them."

"Superb! So long as you phrase it where he's not in a position to console you- and I know that _ wasn't _your intention, so I won't tolerate any nonsense- so long as you omit or at least limit the insults and don't beat yourself up in front of him, it should get your message across effectively but be no less heartfelt for the changes."

"Right, uh. Thanks." 

"It'll be fiiiiine~" 

"I want to believe that, but only time will tell."

"Imma master of impersonations, k? This'll be a bone of fide preparation simulation." 

She cleared her throat to lower her voice.

"Sup, sup, daddy-o, welcome back." 

Timaeus cracked up three words in, surprising the others, but she kept going.

"I'm not even a little smad 'cause I _ get it; _ sometimes a dude's just gotta sleep-snack. Shit happens, demigod error. It's chill; we're cool, yo. Totes magotes. Now gimme a fistbunp and tender bro embrace."

"Fucking incredible."

"Told ya!"

She fixed his collar as he tucked in his shirt, which had been scrubbed clean of soot and dried with his heat energy. 

"Question: have my tits been out too much? Is this a socially acceptable amount of cleavage?"

She stepped back to study the several unbuttoned inches with scrutiny. 

"It's tasteful."

"Thanks."

"No prob, Bob. Consider me a con-sensual chest connoisseur as well."

"Nice."

He combed his hair into place yet again while they finished getting changed, meticulously shaping it. 

"Figures you'd be ready first even though you were nonassnaked... Hah, ass _ snake_-ed. I'm on a ROLL today."

"Damn right you are," he chuckled. 

"In all fairness, we'd be waiting another hour if he wanted a wash."

"Yeah. It was difficult to resist, so you're welcome for my sacrifice." 

"The man, the myth, the martyr."

"I know- I'm fucking tragic. Waiting for someone to save me from myself and my endless ablutions."

"No mere mortal dare stands between you and your showers."

"You're not wrong."

"So, we good to go? Sorry, m'just kinda freakin' out like I left the stove on or somethin'..."

"You're fine. I think we're ready."

"Yeppers!"

"I mean, I'm in no way ready to see _him,_ but I never will be, so fuck it." 

"That's the spirit!" 

She darted ahead and hopped through the portal to her open closet, peeking through the door to make sure no one was there before giving them the ok. 

"Y'all can hang out here or comingle with me comrades downstairs. You def gotta meet her, though. Plus Johnny boy's puttin' on a show!"

Jake and Timaeus exchanged a glance. Jake shrugged.

"Yeah, what the hell. I'm morbidly curious." 

She bounded down the narrow, rickety staircase and rounded the corner. They took a while to catch up, and by then she was already talking to John. He had overturned a crate as a table for magic tricks. 

"Howdy, strangers! Long time no see. You're just in time to be my victims- I mean, volunteers! Jake, right? Pick a card, any card!"

Roxy headed to the kitchen, leaving the boys to their japery. She sidled up to the aproned lady at the stove, who had yet to notice her.

"Heyyyy, Janeycakes!"

Jane whirled around, accidentally flicking some droplets of sauce towards Roxy as she pointed her spoon at her in defense. Roxy was unphased.

"Super-duper sorry for the disappearin' act. How're ya holdin' up?"

"Good heavens, you startled me! I didn't get any on you, did I?" 

She licked a splotch off her hand, leaning against the counter. "S'just extra flavor... Lookitchu, all master chefess procurin' the most scrumptious of sustenances~"

"My apologies. Here, let me get you cleaned up-"

"Nah, nah, it's fine."

"Not in the least! Now hold still and let me mitigate this mess."

Roxy cracked a wry grin as she was fussed over with a damp towel. 

"For reals, I'm the only one who oughta 'pologize. What with the spookin' _ and _ the goin' rogue after you so kindly volunteered yer services. Meant to be back before you showed up, but I got _ hells _of sidetracked..."

"Oh, it's alright! Though I can't for the life of me imagine how anyone is able to navigate this little aisle. I hope you don't mind that I did a bit of reorganizing while I was at it."

"Course not! You're so sweet, you know that? I'd pay ya if you'd let me."

"Nonsense! That's one of the many advantages of being a self-employed trust fund child," she chortled, finishing up with a boop to Roxy's nose. "I can afford to help out a dear friend and take an impromptu leave of absence every now and then... It's YOU who should be accepting MY financial assistance, anyways." 

"Jane de Generous strikes again," she muttered, amused. "We both know damn well that you ain't better off than me these days- not that it's your fault!" she quickly added. "Rent costs a hoe-and-a-half up in the Big Apple, so obv a fuckin', private office is gonna be through the ROOF."

The cheeriness faded from Jane's eyes, but she turned away and busied herself with stirring the pot. 

"And what you're doin' is all kinds of badass. Uprootin' corruption, strikin' the system from the underbelly. Of _ course _ all the odds are stacked against ya! That's just how it is when friggin' _ anyone _tries to do the right thing..." 

"We're still new at this. The foundations haven't been solidified yet, but we're getting there. I_ do _believe that there's a way to correct society legally. Once she gets certified and works her way up, we'll have the advantage of doing it from the inside." 

Roxy just smiled sadly, placing her hand on her shoulder.

"I'll be here if you ever wanna raise hell... That sounds more like TZ's brand, anyway. Can't picture her goin' through miles of braille and tippity tappin' transcriptions on her typewriter WITHOUT gettin' bored enough to find a loophole for manslaughter. You gotta keep an eye on that one."

Jane chortled.

"Wait, shit, you know what I mean."

"I can concede to that. She's delightfully uncouth and unhinged."

"Are you twos still doin' the LARP-y stuff?"

"Er... Larpy?"

"Ya know, the sleuthin' an' whatnot!"

Jane retrieved her fruit knife from her briefcase and lined up several innocent, greenhouse-picked tomatoes on the cutting board.

"Oh, you betcha! My disguises are impeccable, though she insists on wearing the same ostentatious costume at each crime scene we infiltrate, which nullifies my efforts. I fear someone will track her down _ sooner _ or later, and she'll get _ both _of us in hot water!"

She dumped a handful of diced tomatoes into the boiling pot for emphasis. 

"... Sounds spicey."

"The basil brings it all together."

"Jane... Jane... Jaaaaaane...... Janey, _ c'mon." _

"You are _ insufferable," _ she laughed, swatting Roxy's hand away when she tried to steal a tomato. Roxy was prepared and used her other hand to nab one while she was preoccupied. Jane shot a fake disapproving glare, and Roxy just bit into it like an apple.

"Mmmng... m'starvin' for some juicy deets, girl. Throw me a bone, pleeeease?" 

"Judging by how freely you disclosed the source of our immortality's sexuality, I've got more than enough reason to be wary about sharing secrets."

"Huh?? Oh, no, that's a wholeass thing. He ain't secretive about it, just doesn't go around tellin' everyone with a megaphone... Like, shit was different way back when, but we're past alla that now. I would NEVER disclose your deets without parmesan. Gimme a crumb, _ anything!" _

...

"We... We've got a unique sort of dynamic, I suppose. It's complicated."

"Oooh, GET IT!!! ... Didja do the smooch? A heartfelt handhold, mayhaps? Linking of pinkies?"

"Declining to comment." 

Roxy took another comically large bite amidst an even longer "ooooooooh~" that was impeded by the mouthful. Jane grimaced, offering her the towel to wipe the mess off her face and hand. She ignored it.

"Sometimes I wish I could understand you, but more oft than not, I'm grateful that I can't."

"Damn STRAIGHT. My ass is _incomprehensible._ Da eighth wonder of da world... Scholars of old debated their theories, studied it day after day, scribbled down notes all furious whenever I walked by, and NOTHIN'. It will REMAIN a mystery, 'cause that's how I BE."

She crammed the rest in her mouth, wide enough that she couldn't even close it. Jane heaved a bemused sigh as she finished up and put the lid back on, turning the heat low to let it simmer. 

"Alright, now what all are you bestowing on me this week and a half?"

"Mm! ... Yeah, that'd be useful info. I was so happy to see that apple pie smile o' yours that I almost forgot! Ms. Paint has a note from me for ya, since she don't speak Inglese. But she just kinda vibes and does a lotta the work herself outta boredom, so it'll be easy peasy."

She rinsed up at the sink, took a sip from the faucet, then dried her hands on her skirt and her mouth on her sleeve despite the towel being right there.

"K, so, like, I just realized we'll both be loaded once the D-man starts playin' sugar buddy. It's no sweat off his brow, and he's _ gonna _do it whether you want 'im to or not, so brace yourself for a return to financial stability, babey!!!"

Jane blinked, eyes widening. 

"Dude straight-up fabricates gold n diamonds n shiz into existence. Just maybe don't cash in the whole first installment at once, ya know? Might look sus."

"I... That's awfully kind, but I've got to _ earn _my livelihood like everyone else."

"Falsitude. Money is a CONSTRUCT, binch! Nothin' matters... Lemme just introduce you to him and his lil snack; you're gonna love 'em~

...

By snack, I mean-"

"I pieced that together, but it doesn't sit well with the "juicy deets" you've already given me about him."

"Ahaha, yeah... I kiiinda didn't think you'd ever meet him, so while this is the feline's lingerie... maybe pretend you don't know anything, eheh."

"Mind you, I'm not judging! I just... don't think I can look him in the eye and keep a straight face!"

"It's ok; he invites people to dunk on him for some reason. M'mostly worried 'bout embarrassin' the little guy. D, on the other hand..." 

Jane laughed, shaking her head. She tidied herself up in preparation before heading out.

"- and _ that's _ why I embrace nihilism!"

"Huh... Not gonna lie- you raised some interesting points."

"Hoo hoo... He does sound like a character; I'll give him that!"

Jake jolted, blood going cold at the familiar voice. He looked over to confirm the source, then edged behind Timaeus. He tugged his sleeve and whispered urgently.

"It's her!" 

Timaeus glanced around less-than-subtly, at a loss.

"Who?"

"That's Jane! Next to Roxy!" 

"Yeah? She said that's her name."

Jake was cowering behind him, practically climbing under his coat in a desperate attempt to avoid being perceived. Timaeus just continued to stand there, dumbfounded.

"So, you've already met?"

"Very bad things happened between us. Very, very bad! She can't know I'm here; she'll- she'll do worse than kill me!"

...

"Wait... _ She's _ your ex-fiance?"

"Yes!!!"

"Oh, fuck, ok, let's go. I'll talk with Roxy later." 

He took Jake's hand, and they hurried through the crowd towards the door, Jake still hiding behind him as he walked.

"Thank-"

"Hey! Dirky, get your ass back here! Where's the Jakester?"

...

"Biological functions to attend to. Bee are bee."

He continued his awkward shuffle away. It was obvious to everyone looking that he was attempting to cover for Jake both literally and figuratively.

"Pfft... Ok, uh, have fun I fuckin' guess. Just don't keep poor Janey waitin'!"

"Will d-"

"You MOTHERFUCKER!!!"

Jake jumped as if electrocuted, then scurried towards the door. The residents looked rather captivated by the scene.

"WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?! COME OVER AND FACE ME LIKE A MAN!"

_ "NO NO NO NO PLEASE!!!" _

"Holy shit, what?"

Jane ran after him, both having a time of getting through the throngs. Jake darted back to Timaeus, who regained his role of barrier. Roxy sprinted after Jane, who was alarmingly fast on top of having a head start.

"What gives?! Chill the fuck out, you're makin' a pisspoor first impression..."

"Hoo, boy! I don't know what's going on here, but I can tell you what should be- introductions! Jane, Snake Jesus. Snake Jesus, Jane."

"Uh. Hey."

_"Hello," _she muttered through gritted teeth. "Pleasure to meet you."

She lunged past Timaeus, who made to render her unconscious but missed at her quick sidestep. Jake yelped and scrambled away once more.

"I'm sorry!!! Really, I am, I-"

"OH, _ BALONEY." _

While stepping backwards, he tripped over a poor sleeping dude. He sprung up in surprise and narrowly avoided landing on him, crashing into the corner behind him instead. He sat up, wincing, just in time to see her trap him there. Jaw set, she grabbed his collar with one hand and lifted him against the wall, pulling her other fist back and then pumping it towards his face. He made a pitiful noise as he braced himself, shutting his eyes tight. 

The impact didn't come. 

After several seconds, he peeked out warily. Her fist was suspended in midair, too close to even focus on. She seemed almost frozen sans her rapid breaths and distressed expression. 

"C'mon, honey, let 'im go and we'll sort it out." 

She didn't respond. Her eyes shifted to him, rage fading to more complex emotions as tears threatened to cloud them. 

"Why?" she whispered.

...

"Uh, 'cause, like, friends don't punch each other? You just met the-"

"I shouldn't have left you high and dry; it was selfish and I feel terrible."

Timaeus nudged Roxy to get her attention, then made a wedding band gesture.

"_Oh... _ Shit, that's _ your _Jake?? Yeesh, talk about a small, awkward world..." 

Jane just continued to stare at him as she lowered her arms. 

"M' sorry... So sorry..." 

"You're just saying that to evoke sympathy and save face in front of your "new friends." Do they even _ know _what a cur you are yet, or are you playing them so well that they're eating it up?" 

"... Janey, I-"

"Don't you "Janey" me!!! You lost the "-y" privilege when you disappeared with nary a word." She turned her attention to the others. "The boy is all talk- relationships aren't real to him, and people only matter when he needs them. Spare yourselves the pain by not falling for this front."

He was already crying, head in hands, and just let himself slump in the corner with his knees pulled to his chest. He folded his arms to hide his face in, gripping his elbows with white knuckles and shaking silently as the adrenaline caught up with him.

...

"Maybe he and I should go; we can-" 

"N- S'fine," he mumbled. Jane rubbed her brow, subtly drying her eyes as he sniveled before her. 

"I'll be out back. Forgot an ingredient."

She left abruptly, stride measured and face unreadable. He didn't notice. Timaeus crouched beside him, placing a hand on his back for comfort. He flinched but then relaxed when he realized it was him.

"... You sure you don't want to leave? I mean, I don't give a fuck who's getting their entertainment fix as long as you don't..."

He shook his head, breaths still shallow and erratic despite being unnecessary. 

...

"Need to do this." 

"Do what, have a goddamn panic attack?"

"Rox-"

"Jane's right; I was a manipulative prick." 

"For fuck's sake, you're-"

"I fucked up... plain and simple. She deserves closure at the very least."

He rode out the attack for another fifteen minutes or so while they just sat beside him, unsure what to say or do. John drew away what little attention was still on him, but not before tossing him a colorful handkerchief and declaring it "on the house." Once he'd finally recovered and recomposed himself, he honked into it and offered sheepish thanks to the three of them. John paused his performance to inform him that he was a parttime counselor, should they desire his services. 

As he navigated his way out, he noticed that the walls and ceilings were all adorned with murals as esoteric as they were whimsical, a mixture of childish paintings, flowers, cutesy critters, wizards, and comical, dada-esque renderings of people with misspelled phrases. The greenhouse was thronged with small trees and shrubs, and it took up most of the lot, an amalgamation of trash pickings, scrap metal, and milk bottles cemented together with bits of broken ceramics and mirror shards to liven it up. The door was frozen shut but flew open with the wind once he unstuck it. He winced at the noise and hesitated before peering in cautiously.

The floor was cement, too, but there were hand, foot, and even pawprints in it, among names and doodles. There had to be at least three dogs involved in the project with what was assumed to be all of Roxy's rehomed cats, somehow. Colored glass bottles hung from the support beams, some holding tea lights and the rest used as planters. He looked around at the aisles of mismatched containers and trays of rusty seedling cans in awe. A lot of them had holes poked into the bottoms for drainage, which was collected through grates above irrigations channels that led to a dented basin beside a wine barrel that was used to collect rainwater. He just sort of stood there in awe of the creation until she spoke. 

"Cold air kills the plants." 

He startled, then shut it behind him with a clatter. 

"Sorry."

"Sure."

She was initially out of view, busying herself with plucking and collecting dead leaves to compost. It was clear that she'd spent a lot of time there in the past by how familiar she was with the place. The floor looked like it had been recently swept. An old chainsaw was propped against a folding table littered with gardening tools. He shied away from it.

"You look well!"

She took her time tending to each plant meticulously. There was a stepstool next to the tomato trellises for her to reach.

Finally, she emptied her offerings into the compost pit, then picked up her basket and set to harvesting some greens.

"I assume you've also been deified. Did _ he _at least let you choose? Roxy went about it in an underhanded manner, but you're not aware of that."

"Ah, I, yes... I'm sorry to hear that."

She shot him a cold glare.

"Cut the crap. What more do you want from me, Jake? Why are you here?!"

"I... wanted to apologize."

"Well, you've done plenty of that already." 

...

"I know I screwed the pooch-"

"You BROKE my HEART and went off on a seven year honeymoon."

...

"If it helps any, the first six were just surviving on my lonesome... I was a regular douchecanoe to you, and I don't blame you for not wanting to see me again."

"I never said that."

He rubbed his arm, uncomfortable and at a loss for words.

"Alright, maybe I didn't. Maybe I wanted to knock your lights out at first sight! But it's better than finding a corpse." 

…

…

…

"What happened to us? The happy-go-lucky youngins we once were, who didn't _ have _problems... We had so much fun together-" 

"Don't- Don't." 

"Sorry." 

"... You never grew up. I did. That's what happened.

...

Oh, don't look so sorry for yourself! I've had it with your sob stories. You aren't going to spin another tale of woe and make me baby you.

...

JAKE. Don't be sad in silence either!"

"I'm sorry! I'm not trying to, I swear. I just don't know how to talk about anything without making it about me..."

"Oh, thank heavens. He's found a shred of self-awareness."

He turned to start inspecting the plants and feeling their textures, trying not to laugh.

"Several, if you can believe that."

"I'll believe it when I see it."

...

"I did a lot of isolation-induced soul-searching and came to the conclusion that... that I'm not a romantic fellow, and should have cherished our friendship in both word AND action. I know that I spewed hot air on the daily, but I thought I could play the part and make you pleased with me. You were getting tired of my nonsense, and I was so afraid of losing the only person on the planet who wanted me around..."

"Surely that's an exaggeration."

"I'm bungs at social situations, unlike you. Couldn't find a single lasting companionship at that fancy school no matter what mask I donned... I was so scared and lonely-"

"You're doing it again."

"What? ... Oh, fuck, sorry." 

"Just stop. You apologize too much.

...

Alright, so you're an oddball with a traumatic past. Whoopty doo! It doesn't take a gumshoe to solve_ that _mystery, but by Jove, did it just get solved. Is that all you've been trying to say?"

"I'm not... It doesn't justify my screwups. I feel downright awful for ruining what we had."

She sighed after a couple minutes. He glanced over his shoulder to find her facing him.

"No... That was a mutual effort. I made more than my share of bad decisions- still am, in fact. Communication is a two-way street, and I've become rotten to you. Oh, just look at how unkind I'm being about all of this!"

...

"You- You aren't." 

"Of course I am! Christ, it's no wonder you ran for the hills; my temper gave you reason to fear me... I'm sorry, Jake."

"It's ok."

"No, it's not! That's the problem! I let myself go unchecked in the moment, and you're cavity-inducing about it. We kept pretending everything was peachy, but nothing was further from the truth. We were _ both _immature and couldn't- or wouldn't- lay all our cards on the table... I like to think that if those events had transpired after we'd grown and learned some, it wouldn't have gone sour so fast..."

"I guess... I guess I thought I could fit the mold if I squeezed and duped myself hard enough. I needed companionship, yes, and when I realized I might end up alone again after ticking you off so many times I set my mind to being the ideal man. Phony and underhanded in hindsight, and-"

"It was awfully ridiculous, now that I think of it._ I _thought I _had_ to take a husband, and there you were, a dear old friend eager to please. I didn't realize I had the blinders on, either... I hurt you, and I can't undo the damage but I can halt it." 

"... What do you mean?"

"We ought to part ways from here... I'm sorry. I bid you a good life." 

"I... Likewise..."

She picked up her basket and made her way to the door. Now that he wasn't being looked at, he was better able to compose his thoughts as he revisited her words.

"Wait, this is idiotic! Who says we're doomed to keep hurting each other? We used to be great pals way back when!"

She seemed shocked. 

"We were very different then... People change."

"And?"

...

"Pretending that we can step back in time and act like nothing happened will only make us even more miserable than before."

"We don't need to! I for one have had enough of skirting around these matters. Don't you think we could just find a proper home for this elephant, as difficult as it might be? If he won't budge, then so be it! But I think it's worth a shot."

"... Why do you _ want _to? What do you care? You've got yourself a man now, and, in any case, I don't deserve your company. You've no obligation to let me drag you down again."

"I... what? Oh, for chrissake, that's not... Those were a tumultuous few months-"

"Five months."

"Please, just... I had no business relegating you to the role of listener or being so fickle. If I _ could _ go back, I'd haul myself aside by the ear and give myself an ultimatum: either be transparent and let you choose what you wanted to be subjected to, or up and opt for solitude. Jane, I- I thought I needed to court you to continue being a part of your life, and... I'll never be able to rectify the past, but I truly am contrite for all of my malarkey and would like to try being platonic again, if you'll have me." 

…

…

…

"I'd like that very much... But we've got to be careful and take sure steps if we're to keep on the up-and-up."

"I agree wholeheartedly!" 

...

"You didn't have to do this, but I'm grateful you did. And, for what it's worth, I miss the old days- the_ old, _old days. When we were just children, bright-eyed and carefree. I... I missed you quite a lot."

"I missed you too."

"Oh, I wish I could smack my younger self silly until the notion that we were supposed to marry dislodged itself from my head. It was so foolish... and I regret ever seeing you in that light, let alone being so harsh or causing any of that hullabaloo... But you're right; just because things are more complicated now doesn't mean that we can't sort them out and learn to be mindful of each other's perspectives. I'm parry to the course if you are. From here on out, I need you to value yourself and work on asserting your boundaries, alright? It's my job to respect them."

He smiled softly and held out his hand for a shake. She set her basket down before accepting daintily, just to pull him into a bear hug like she used to. He cracked up to the point of tears as he hugged her back, and soon they were both crying.

"... Lordy. We might need some time to get this out of our systems," she sniffled. "I caused enough of a scene as is; I'm not about to weep an entire willow in front of an audience."

He chortled, patting her back. 

"There's no hurry... We've got a lot of catching up to do, I think."

* * *

"If that ain't fuckin' adorable... Lookit 'em, don't they remind you of us waaaay back when?

...

We were a hot mess. Emphasis on the hot." 

"I mean, yeah... But should we be gawking like this?"

"It's fun~"

"That's why I'm concerned. What if they notice?"

"Hey, you're the one who was worried she'd shank him with a hand shovel or somethin'."

"Fair... But, they seem to have the situation under wraps now."

"... Aw, shit, they're huggin' AGAIN but sittin' on the floor this time. Totes still waterworks; I'm gettin' all misty-eyed just WATCHIN'."

"It just feels like we're intruding on a private event out of boredom at this point."

"Yeah, well, maybe _I_ am, but you got somewhere to be. Imma commentate 'til then."

...

He groaned.

She pulled away from the foggy, streaked glass, color returning to her previously-smushed nose.

"You got this, b. Tell 'im he's cord-gealy invited on RoLal's patented homeymoon."

"Will do... And thanks." 

"M'prouda you."

She led him to the pantry closet and opened the door. He hesitated before stooping down to hug her. She reciprocated with ferocity.

"He'll be _ fine," _she murmured, smooching his cheek. "Now, get in before you spend another damn century mullin' over it."

He nodded reluctantly, shuffling forward until she bonked him the rest of the way with her hip. He made an undignified startled noise, flailing to catch himself on the shelf. 

"And have FUN!" 

She shut the door, then reclined against it. One of the children had wandered over and was now looking up at her. She grinned.

"Hey, wanna peoplewatch?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally enough characters to justify using the Homestuck skin; workin' on neatening the indentations. Also, we're approaching the first anniversary and 45k word mark, so if you're wondering who the fuck would spend his freetime writing vore jokes, here's a bio.
> 
> My hobbies include: crying over and relating to the alpha kids, projecting as Jake, being gay as hell for triangle man, ignoring the epilogues, and making indulgent kink fics centered around catharsis for myself to larp in. In case it wasn't painfully transparent, I'm an arospec, asocial autistic dude with bpd and ptsd (and a whole clusterfuck of issues) who makes his own content because it doesn't exist anywhere else. It's hard out here for a twink top who just wants soft niche fiction 😔


	28. the davening

The door shut in his face, and he sighed to himself, leaning against the shelves uncomfortably for a moment before summoning a portal. He proceeded to fall backwards into it, along with several of the boxes and cans that had been jabbing his sides. He sat up and tossed each of them back in unceremoniously, then sealed it, got to his feet, and attempted to dust himself off. There was a hell of a lot of dust, so he eventually settled for just getting it off his hands, generating a small cloud in the process. The temptation to fuck back to his falls and neaten up was overwhelming, but he knew he'd lose his nerve if he did, so he tried to ignore it. There was enough to preoccupy his mind already. 

The place was drier than a mummy's asshole and just as unpleasant to look at. There were no obvious signs of life- not even a lone tumbleweed. 

There were plenty of signs of death, though. He couldn't relate to this hobby, as it unnerved him with a sort of morbid awe at best, but he could respect it. If the two most important dudes in his life both happened to fixate on bones, then so be it. Like hell was he going to be anything but supportive. 

He crossed the flat, cracked earth as if he was approaching execution, trying to drag it out as long as possible. The somber, anxious air about him would have benefitted from a soulful orchestra piece, but he made do. 

The excavation site was on the side of the plateau he was walking parallel to. He took his time running through additional simulations and rehearsing his responses, only to get cold feet at the last second and opt for another lap to prepare. He turned to find a painfully familiar, gangly and scruffy man, who seemed to have rounded the corner or climbed down at some point and had just been standing there, yards away, staring at him in shock. Panic seized Timaeus, and his mind went blank.

"... Dad?" he whispered, as if he was a desert mirage that would soon disappear.

He snapped out of it and fumbled for words.

"Dave, I... I'm so sorry, I..."

Dave dropped his tools and bag, several rocks falling out in the process, and ran at him, mouth set in a straight line. He sprung up and attached himself to Timaeus's side in silence. Timaeus hugged him gingerly at first, as if afraid of breaking him if he lost composure, but Dave was bawling his eyes out within seconds, trembling and clinging with everything he had, which made it hard not to follow suit. They stayed like that for an indefinite amount of time, sobbing quietly until he spoke.

"The hell took so long?" he choked out, face still buried in his shoulder. Several minutes passed before Timaeus could even speak. He took a shaky breath, voice cracking. 

"I... Funny story, actually."

"Yeah? Gonna get a chuckle out of it? It better be comdeddy gold. Lay on the punchline- I'm all ears." 

"... I ate the amulet in my sleep that night and thought it was stolen, so I fled- you know, like an idiot... A certain pastime inherent to my nature led someone to accidentally recover it yesterday."

"Oh my god, you vo- Actually, that checks out... but... how'd you find_ me?" _

"Such is the magic of Skaia? I can locate anyone attached to me and get the name of said location before even going there."

"... So, just to summarize, make sure I understand: you can ID a random town in the middle of fuckin' nowhere, but the thing was in you _the whole time_ and you didn't even _know?" _

"That's one way of putting it."

"Jesus..." 

He showed no intention to let up, just koala-hugging like it was nobody's business.

"In all seriousness, I... I'm really, really sorry. It was asinine, and I can't begin to imagine what you went through."

...

"I mean, it can't be worse than what your dorito went through... but it still sucked gorilla gonads. One day you're there, the next you're... not. Like some kinda shitty reverse surprise party... Honestly, I didn't know_ what _to think. Did his ghost finally escape your gut and commandeer you? Were you gonna manifest outta nowhere and challenge me to some unholy strife when I least expected it? Or did you up and join a traveling circus? Were you snakenapped at the size of fuckin' Australia? Was it the aliens? Did you just get sick of our asshattery and decide to leave in the middle of the night? Packed up a lil satchel on a stick, found yourself some sheep, started a new life as a nomad?"

"It's not possible for me to get sick of either of you. You didn't seriously consider that, did you?"

"All I'm sayin' is the possibilities were endless, man. Kinda just settled on it bein' a mystery 'til now... The truth is lackluster, tea bee H."

Timaeus snorted, patting his back.

"I can narrow those possibilities with the fact that ghosts aren't real, and if they were, he'd be trapped in The Bad Place, not haunting my bowels. He was just an ordinary fleshbag asshole, and you will_ never _have to deal with him again." 

"Yeah, no, I'm just bullshitting... but you’re the only dadbro that ever mattered. Raised me from an edgy dumbass poser and cared more about my wellbeing in that time than he did my whole life... So, like I said, when you ollied out, I didn't know WHAT to think, 'cept that I prob never even stopped to say thanks. By the way, thanks. I've been waitin' a long time to say that," he sighed.

"Of course you did. Not that there was anything to thank me for? You’re one considerate son of a douche, so if there was, you would have. It happened too long ago for you to remember, anyway."

"I dunno, man, you'd be surprised the shit my feeble, organic brain clings to... Like, that time bandits jumped us but you TKO'd 'em and we just kept walkin'. _That _was wild... Or when you cradled me to your paternal bosom and told me everything would be ok because I mistook you for him in the dark and almost_ DECAPITATED_ YOU, like it was a surprise attack bad dream- things that intense tend to stick... Also, I missed you, you scaley fuck. God." 

"... You too. In case that wasn't painfully obvious."

"But seriously, where in the dickslapping dongleberries were you? How'd you pass time? Meditating? Transatlantic diving? Hangin' out with people who were trippin' over their own testicles so they'd think you were just part of the experience? Did you lure them into a cave and start a cult about portrayin' phalluses in every single art medium out there? Paintin' peens for the cultural enrichment? Who were you wangin' with? I gotta know." 

"You're giving me way too much credit."

...

"So, you just kinda... you know. Sat around all alone cryin' and shit? I won't judge."

"... Kind of. I stayed on my island for the most part." 

He finally hopped down but continued to hold on. Timaeus straightened to realign his spine before resuming.

"Well, damn... Now I feel bad."

"Brought it on myself."

"Dude, come _ on. _ For fuck's sake, it was an accident... You're not seriously dumb enough to blame yourself like your gremlin brain was conniving behind your back or somethin'. I mean, like, I'm still tryna wrap my head around it, because holy shit, but you clearly didn't _ want _ to commit crimes of consumption that you weren't even conscious for... Not gonna lie, I'm gettin' a good giggle outta picturin' you all snuggled up nice n cozy in your jimjams, maybe snorin' a lil- no offense- and havin' some hyperrealistic dream about a mouth-watering morsel so scrumptious that you just _ have _to-"

"Ok, yeah, it is hilarious in hindsight... Would've been better if I hadn't isolated myself for the interim, but hey, what's a couple centuries to immortals?" 

"Only a metric shitload of suffering, in your case." 

"... It was hell. I think I've done almost enough penance to balance out the suffering _ I _inflicted." 

"You gotta unthink that kind of donkey dung right the fuck yesterday. Sometimes, shit just... happens. S'fine now; you're back, and that's all that matters... But fyi, for future ref in case you get the midnight munchies again, I would've been chill with you showin' up anytime, claws and all... Honestly. My friends are beyond weird, man- they wouldn't care. And most of us keep to ourselves because we're shit at being members of society, so it's not like you'd really have to worry about confidentiality or whatever. No one listens to wackjobs like us, anyways."

…

…

…

"So, I _ am _ legally dumb as fuck. I wasted all this time when it wasn't even an issue in the first place?"

"Maybe? Doesn't matter; we're all numbnuts, and you're here now... Oh, speakin' of which, you gotta meet Ramses."

"... Like the pharaoh? Is that really their name?"

"Course not. What do I look like, a guy who _ doesn't _slap slam poetry monikers on peeps as a sign of affection? It was a tie between that and Ra-Ra."

"Nice."

"Yeah. Anyway, her name's Aradia, and she's chiller than a pre-Anthropocene cucumber. You're gonna love her. Probably."

"By all means, lead the way. Uh, when you're ready."

_ "You _ ain't ready. But I sure as hell ain't either... Just. Lemme savor this for a hot minute." 

They fell into comfortable silence, relaxed without the fierce desperation of earlier. A long while passed like that, sweaty despite the shade that the plateau provided. Eventually, Dave made an exaggerated sigh and released him from his vicelike grip. Timaeus followed suit, restraining himself from expressing his disgust over Dave's rankness. They untangled and just sat side by side under the cloudless sky.

"K, I'm healed if you are... Sorry. I haven't showered in weeks." 

"Didn't notice."

Dave shook his head.

"You suck at lyin'- it's the eyes, man. They tell all. Windows to the soul, etcetera, that poetic bs." 

"You got me there.

...

If it's not out of line for me to ask... What have you been up to? Besides the archaeology schtick, which is-"

"Bro, I'm a goddamn PALEONTOLOGIST now, too. I done dug up _ dinosaurs. _They're real. They EXIST."

"Oh, hell yes. If anyone'd make that happen, it's you."

"Someone somewhere's gonna erect a museum just for my bones, and it's gonna _ fuck... _But yeah, I've gotten up to all kindsa shit since we last bunped chests. Like, I'm talkin' a metric clusterfuck of extracurriculars... Lately, though, it's been a photog rig gig and jammin' with the Dadas. They appreciate my ill beats and memery. We even got a comic goin', like, drawn on old newspapers and distributed to the masses if you can believe THAT."

"Dude, that's badass. Always knew you'd be a legend." 

"Shucks, thanks, Padre."

"Hah... Sorry, I just- Roxy predicted how this exchange would play out."

"Real shit? You saw her? How's she doin'? Still gettin' dolled up and flappin' erry night?"

"Yeah. It's pretty impressive... She told me to tell you to drop whatever important things you're doing in favor of joining us on a "homeymoon." It's your call, though, and there's no hurry if you'd rather postpone it. We-" 

"Oh, hell fuckin' YES. I'm so down. Just gotta tie things up here, ya know? Can't go disappearin' without a word like it's hereditary." 

Timaeus ruffled his hair with a bemused smirk.

"You should totally come with, though. She's the embodiment of chaotic neutral, but she's decent at lookin' like a normie at first 'cause she's polite an' shit... Also, the dude acts the polar opposite, so they're a trip. His name's Salt Licks."

"Nice. Shall we?"

"We hella shall."

They stood, and then Dave went back to retrieve his abandoned possessions, handing the bag to Dirk. 

"Feast your eyes on all these mother FUCKING arthopods. It's a goddamn treasure trove up in here." 

"The shell looks cool, too... Perfectly preserved."

"Not to be a smartass, but it's called an ammonite and the thing itself probably disintegrated, like, a hundred million years ago. That's just how well the rock impression schtick works."

"That's... incredible."

"Right? Nature be wildin'."

He went ahead to lead Timaeus to the site, then knelt at the rectangular dugout. It resembled a coffin hole.

"We hass ay visi-tour."

"Oh, goodie!"

There was a series of clanks, and then a small, tusked skull popped up, jaw hinge being puppeted with a gloved hand to talk.

"Welcome to my shop! May I interest you in some bones or bone accessories?"

"Holy shit, a talking skull."

"I will also buy _ your _ bones! What's your offer?"

"One whole trill of bite."

He leaned past the skull to give it to her. She gasped. 

"How beautiful... I'll trade you an unidentified premolar!"

"You got yourself a DEAL." 

The skull disappeared, and then she appeared, scaling the dirt staircase with it resting atop a box of assorted remains. She handed it to Dave to examine.

"Hello! My name is Dr. Megido, but you're welcome to assign me fun nicknames. I am not a medical doctor!"

"I, uh. I don't really have a set name, so ditto. Dirk, Timaeus, Bastard, whatever."

"He's my frappa figure- you know the one. Just waltzed on over here outta some wormhole."

"What a wonderful surprise! Welcome to Hell," she grinned. "You may want a hat, as it is very easy to get sun poisoning here. We have a tarp if you'd like to wear it."

"Actually, we're finna head out if that's alright with you. Sorry. Was hopin' to make up for lost time and all that. But if there's still shit to do-"

"Just go," muttered a man's lispy voice from the hole. "You'd leave the worst parts to me, anyway." 

"Thanks, man. You a real one." 

"Yeah, yeah. At least refill the water when you fuck off."

…

"Wanna see a cool party trick?"

"No."

She nodded, beaming. Dave waggled his brows at Timaeus, then gestured towards the cooler under the tent nearby. Timaeus walked over awkwardly, swirled energy around it, and then returned.

"Uh. There's. You can't tell, but it's full now."

She clasped her hands in unphased delight, then skipped to it, pouring some into her canteen.

"Thank you! It's so nice and cold, Sollux!"

"Cold? Oh, fuck yes." 

He scrambled out, even ganglier than Dave and almost as bony as Jake. He squinted at Timaeus as his eyes adjusted to the light, taking him in, then shrugged and headed to the cooler, unceremoniously sticking his head under it.

"Fuuuuuuck, _ yes." _

He drenched himself, then tilted to actually drink some, and straightened, taking his bifocals off to dry them.

"Haa...... Thanks. Bring him back soon. We're not filling the whole ditch ourselves."

"Can't make any promises. He's untamable."

"I literally just realized that you two are tethered. That would explain the "not being dead despite lacking adequate resources" thing."

"Yeah," he laughed sheepishly. "Makes goin' out into the middle of bumfuck nowhere a lot easier."

"I yearn for death every day." 

"But you'll stay alive because you care."

"Unfortunately," he sighed. She patted his wet head.

"... This might be inappropriate, but same fuckin' hat."

"Misery loves company."

"We could form some kind of support group."

"Good luck with that- I've been emotionally constipated since age ten."

...

"K, so, maybe postpone the heartfelt tearjerking, 'cause I dunno how much more my bro has in him today. Once he runs out, he'll have no choice but to enter a depressive funk for fuck knows how long... We should prob get goin', anyway."

"Whatever."

"Have a great day! Are you a hugger?"

"I, sure... Do-" 

She lifted him up all at once in a bear's embrace and cracked his back, an impressive feat considering he was solid muscle and at least two heads taller than her.

"... Holy shit."

She then turned to Dave and did the same before performing an intricate handshake that ended with a fistbump. 

"Try not to raise the dead or anything while I'm gone." 

"Of course not! It wouldn't be a proper corpse party without you."

"Implying you want his corpse."

"I mean-" 

"Yeah, yeah. Later."

They waved goodbye and left in front of them. 

…

…

…

"Why are we all so fucked up?"

Timaeus brought him to the cave to "let" him get cleaned up before seeing Roxy and the others. He took his sweet time between getting to the falls and actually showering, rambling about the luxury of the place loud enough for Timaeus to hear from the entrance room. He attempted to initiate a conversation before realizing that Dave was just spewing hot air, as the rushing water made it hard to hear. Timaeus smiled to himself, bemused over how little he had changed. He caved to the urge to degrossify himself while he waited.

Eventually, Dave dripped his way over to the fresh laundry, towel wrapped under his pits.

"That was goddamn _ exquisite." _

He flopped onto the plush thing most reminiscent of a couch and sighed contently, closing his eyes. Timaeus tossed him his outfit, accidentally wapping him in the face with it.

"Thanks."

"Sorry."

"... Smells like fuckin', potpourri. Mm..."

"It was the only apple-esque essence on hand."

He buried his nose in his trousers and took several appreciative whiffs. 

"Classy."

He left to check on Pawnee while Dave got dressed. She had her head on his lap by the time Dave wandered in.

"Oh, holy fuck, you have a- you have a DOG?!"

"Seems so. I'm surprised you missed her, but, then again, she probably slept through your monologue."

Dave hurried over and let her sniff his hand, then teared up when she started licking it. Timaeus switched places with him, and he scritched her ears, barely able to contain his joy.

"Oh my god... Oh my dog..."

"She's still recovering, and we don't know if she'll like living here since it's not safe for her to leave the cave on her own, so if you know anybody who-"

"I wanna love her forever and ever," he mumbled into her fur. "Catch me quittin' the bone industry, settlin' down somewhere, and givin' all of my findings to her. I'm gonna call her Snoop."

"I'm giving you naming rights, but don't tell anyone else. For general purposes, she's the city of Pawnee, Indiana." 

"Indiana? That's not a real place."

"It's an inside joke for me only."

"Sounds like it."

He showered her in affection for a while longer, then departed reluctantly once she went back to sleep. Timaeus had forgotten how crowded the pantry was, and they ended up awkwardly crammed in there until Roxy opened the door. 

"Daveeeeey!!!" 

"MOM, HOLY FUCK-"

He tripped on a can and tumbled into her arms. They cracked up, hugging each other tightly. Eventually, he composed himself enough to sling an arm around her shoulder and dry his eyes.

"How long's it even been?!"

"Hell if I know... I think the last time I was here was- no. S'been at least a year... Heh, sorry. Must run in the family."

"Hey, at least YOU wrote and shiz."

"Ok, ok; message received."

"Just messin' with ya. Like, it figures that somethin' this stupid would get in the way of our wholesome memeries."

"Word."

"It was unvoretunate for all involved parties, 'specially you. We weren't the ones fucking isolated." 

"My poor horsey, sad an' lonesome for a million bajillion years..."

"... Can I just. Just..." 

He pulled them both into a hug with the grace of a mother duck and just held them in silence, hot tears threatening to spill over again. They reciprocated fervently.

...

"God, I missed this so fucking much."


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> full shitpost: https://akgerhardt.tumblr.com/post/629923751032700928/


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> doodles

"It's just you, me, and this literal mountain between us." 

(please take a closer look at those demigod peepers because they're my favorite part)

It's been eight months since the last illustration attempt. We're gettin' _somewhere._

I keep finding songs that match chapters after they're written, so the playlist is continually updating. Also, if you squint, his ink has some vague spoilers because I'm a nerd who doesn't like to drag out surprises. 

Anyway, baby time.


End file.
